And On Day 3 - March 2006

March 1st 2006


Today, the dog and I embarked on another project walk, on a mission to deliver some CDs. The sky was blue with a few fluffy white clouds passing through. We came upon a red carnation, still perfect despite being in the middle of the path .. we decided to leave it for other 'in the moment' passers by to enjoy. Corbin was not really too interested in the flower, much more engaging was the 'BabyBel' he found, his reflex action needs more practice however, as I am quicker, he was reminded of this as his jaws slammed shut on themselves and not the 'BabyBel' he was expecting. We dropped the CDs off, P was not home and Corbin seemed determined to sit down on the step and wait, I told him, it would probably be a while .. he decided breakfast was more important than waiting for P who he agreed, could be a while.

When we got back, I broke up the ice in the bird bath so they would be able to drink, I was surprised how thick the ice was, it did not seem that cold. I looked at the bits of ice I had thrown on the garden and saw a mandala, I rescued the pieces and made them back into a circle on the patio, at that moment, the first mandala idea of the day came into my head, I would paint the ice.

I put the pieces of ice into a big pasta bowl and proceeded to paint all the sections different colours, Corbin wanted to help, his idea of help was to eat the end of the paintbrush .. whose project is this anyway ? Two sparrows flew down beside me to inspect my work, or possibly just to collect nest material.

When I finished, I moved my ice mandala into the now glorious sun to melt away - more impermanence, which is getting easier to allow - this time, I was looking forward to what it might become.

My ice painting completed, I came to my room .. today I do not feel as good about things as I have the last two weeks and consequently, did not drop into my day as easily as before. Although I did make lots of mandalas, it just doesn't feel as rewarding today.

It was mainly a black paper day, I made a bubble wrap mandala, a dotty one and lots of other 'stuff', most of which I don't really like.

I had been listening to lots of music and ignoring the part of me saying I need to step out and be quiet. Maybe this would make me feel better .. I put on a Tibetan Incantation and sat to meditate, the day had closed in by now and my room felt dingy, during my meditation, many thoughts passed through, I tried to come back to my breath, to be there on the out breath, until the bottom, to be there on the in breath, until the top .. I could never have had a big enough pile of stones ! Many, many thoughts, too many thoughts.

I decided to contemplate some of my creations, I held them in my awareness and approached my breath again. The same thing ..

It didn't make me feel better .. I could've let it in and I didn't ..

This never fails to confuse me. I want it so much and yet, I turn away .. probably when I need it most.

It's always easier when I'm in a better place .. I'd like it to be somewhere I could go when I'm not in a good place, for it to take me there, so far, that hasn't happened.

I took a long, hot shower.

Tonight is Tai Chi .. I went to Tai Chi, it was a great lesson (as it is mostly). We talked about R's session on Saturday and then worked on some basic stepping and other things which came out of the discussion.

I felt calmer following Tai Chi.

Today, doesn't feel as successful by any means .. is that because from the place I find myself in, I did not fully allow this week ?