The Living Transformation

Blimey did I make a weekend of it !!!

I got to Poulstone and started to panic .. everyone seemed to know each other, I hardly knew anyone .. the group was a massive 28 people and we only just fit into the BIG room ! I began to think 'I am a Deepener and I don't belong here', had I bitten off more than I could chew, was I being greedy and way too ambitious ?

Anyway, I lay awake all night planning my escape .. my car was blocked in and I was accompanied on my journey by L and O, so escape would not be easy. On Saturday morning, I took some space for myself to hold my feelings of panic which remained .. and started to relax into the knowing that R had said 'Suck it and see' and there was the freedom to not attend the rest of the meets. During Saturday, I relaxed further into the goings on and by the end of Saturday, I no longer felt the need to escape .. I would just call it a day at the end of Monday.

Sunday came and I had slept much better, I opened the curtains and WOW ! snow was covering Poulstone and it was still snowing, this was not just a bit of snow, this was lots of fluffy white snow and it was maybe 3 or 4 inches deep. R gave us more time before the first session to play and play we did, myself and a few others made a huge snowman on the front lawn. I left them to make snow rabbits ! and went to be on my own.

I trod a mandala on the side lawn, a big circle filled with bubbles, I would've liked to have taken a picture and did not have my camera, other people had cameras and I decided it would be of more use to me to allow it to go. I sat on the landing looking down on it as the snow continued to snow .. Impermanence, I let it go.

By early evening, all the snow was gone, just like that, it had been and it had been beautiful and now it was gone.

By Sunday evening, I was really allowing the LT in and I was enjoying myself, I had let go and sitting in the lounge a small group of us were laughing, laughing so much we were crying. This is something I so rarely do and it was so great, to let go and to laugh.

Of course by the end of Monday, I was in a much better place, I had let it in and now as usual did not want to leave and go home !!

It was such a huge learning experience and in a funny kind of way, it was really useful for me to be at Poulstone and not want to be at Poulstone .. I had planned on the LT enhancing the Deepening experience for me, I went through a stage of worrying it might diminish the Deepening and now I know it will enhance it for sure.

We did quite a lot with the 'Mandala Of Being' which R introduced to us at the last Deepening meet and I saw so clearly when I walked the mandala that, if I stand right in this moment of now, I can be a Deepener AND I can be on the Living Transformation.

I feel so great to have come through this, learned so much and allowed nourishment. I'm really proud.