I Am My Teacher

I have been contemplating, who is my teacher ?

On Saturday, R asked for hands from people in G's practice group, I put up my hand, knowing that really this was not my truth. Then he asked for hands from A's group and I didn't raise my hand, after all it would seem odd to be part of both groups when no-one else is and I had already said I was in the practice group.

In my heart, I do not feel part of the practice group (and as I have not been since before the Deepening meet, really, I am not). I do wholly feel part of A's group and yet, in the moment, I felt I 'should' be part of the practice group (even though I thought I had let go of this a few weeks ago).

My therapist asked me, how would I have felt if R had said he was going to teach A's group ? It's a mean question and it would have been awful.

I'm not completely sure why this time, I did not stand up in my own truth.


I've struggled throughout with the practice group thing.

Initially when G announced her sabatical intention, I was happy for G, full of respect and admiration for her scary and potentially life changing decision. At the same time, I was thrown into turmoil about what this would mean to me and my Tai Chi, other people did not seem so disturbed.

R told me this was the greatest gift G could give.

In September, G left to set foot on her journey. I thought I would and I did not in fact feel sad.

I started to attend the practice group and at first it was OK, in fact it was better than the few sessions we had in a kind of practice group while G was still around. After a couple of sessions, I was actually thinking, this is working out and isn't so bad. Then things changed for me and several demons raised their heads at the sessions and I began to find it very difficult to go, however, being who I am, I did continue to go .. it was a struggle. I talked to R who was very helpful and while using the principles, I started to ask myself each week (with heart), do I really want to go to Tai Chi, if the answer was yes, then I would ask myself (with heart), can I face my demons today, if the answer was still yes, then I would go, if it was no, I would not. However, even this became a struggle as I battled with myself constantly, on one occasion, I found myself half way to Tai Chi and I had to turn around and go home.

I thought a lot about what was going on and about the huge potential for learning here. I saw that I was being double weighted, the practice group was not nourishing me and yet I felt, I had to go, to fly the flag for G (as an ex-assistant) and not to let the side down .. I had to keep on keeping on, as I do. Once I saw I was double weighted, I made the decision to not go anymore, to let go of all this anguish. Life is tough enough and while I acknowledge there are demons I could face up to, deal with and learn from, it's not time to do that, too many other things are happening in my life to deal with another.

G's gift to me had been to allow me to join A's group, a complete beginners class, where I have been able to completely let go into Tai Chi. I know G would not expect me to fly the flag, so I made the decision to not go and consequently became single weighted.

I told R, he said 'Great ..'