The Freedom To Draw At Last - Day 16

I came home tired last night not feeling sure at all about my project this week .. how can it ever live up to this last week at Poulstone .. too much expectation .. too many thoughts .. I went to bed with the window open, a cool breeze on my face, distant traffic on the Causeway, a misty moon .. I knew it would be ok.







June 7th 2006

At 4am, there is light pouring in through the window, there is birdsong .. I go back to sleep, I feel at peace.

It will be hot, the dog and I set off early. Not 100 yards down the street, there is a flyer on the traffic light 'Beautiful People', I have just spent a week in the arms of these people.

Further on, a man is cycling down the pavement, irritation rises up in me as he should be on the road, the pavement is for pedestrians (and dogs), he cycles past me, there is a small (maybe 2 or 3 years old) child in a seat on the back, with his crooked little blue cycle helmet, he looks directly at me and smiles the most beautiful smile, I melt away, the irritation leaves me .. the man cycles away, the boy twists and turns in his seat so he can see me .. there is one more glance and another smile .. I wave at him, he waves back .. they are gone .. what a lovely start to the day.

We walk on, the dog is being a pain in the ass trying to eat everything he sees (including cigarette butts and a squashed and dusty orange juice carton), I shout at him 'No', I am so irritated by him, he walks for a while with his ears down flat, he knows he is naughty .. soon he forgets and so do I. There is a conversation with a scaffolder who waits patiently for us to cross the road and then asks the same old questions 'What's his name' ? 'How old is he' ? I say 'Corbin' (cos that's his name !) and '6 and a half', he says '6 and a half months' ? I say 'No, 6 and a half years' he raises his eyebrows (the scaffolder not Corbin) as if he doesn't believe me and says 'Well, he's nice' Corbin wags his tail at the man, it's nothing personal, he wags his tail at pretty much everybody and if they have a biscuit he wags his whole body.

Outside Woolworths there is another man and his small son, the son is lagging behind, the man sees us, I watch the fear rise up in his eyes as he spins around and calls to his son, 'Ron, Ron, Run to me boy', the boy looks up but doesn't respond, Corbin and I walk calmly past, the boy says as his Dad reaches out for him 'It's ok, I'm not scared of dogs Dad' !! I am reminded of R's story about the cobras.

We are home much earlier than normal, I sit at my window to write my journal. I remember writing many weeks back 'It is a glorious spring day - it is the deepest of winter in my heart' things have moved on, it is a glorious summer day, it feels good to be alive and currently it is summer also in my heart.

The birds sing in the trees, the soft breeze on my face, I sit quietly. I am moved by the trees in the wind and the glint from a huge dragonfly which just went by my window. I feel like I have arrived at point 'A' and I look forward to my next point 'A'.

I stamp hearts in a circle and paint them rainbow colours, I make a chinese dragon by complete accident, folding paper onto paint, I elaborate on the accident .. I make a circle filled with paint dots - before I would have said these were of no note .. today they are all part of my journey.

I have lunch, I wash up, I used to hate washing up, these days it is mostly ok as I do it at the speed of my grace and with Tai Chi.

I read through the 3 months of journal I wrote for R a year ago, I remembered there being no Tai Chi, on reflection, there was a lot. These days there is even more as it begins to move me and my life. I look up at the vast sky and think how awesome life is.

The sun beats down, the sky appears still, a wasp comes to my window but decides not to come in. I watch a pigeon flap madly up, up, up and then open his wings and soar, coasting down, down, down, to begin again - full and empty !

T goes to the allotment, I go downstairs with my stuff, I want to make a mandala to remind me of my Poulstone week, to reflect in a mandala rather than with words.

While I was at Poulstone, I let go of not being able to draw .. I try to draw what I see and get frustrated because the marks on my page do not resemble what my eyes see, (for all of my life so far) I've not been able to get over this and now I really feel like I have, my drawing is the same and it doesn't matter anymore that it doesn't look as I intend. This mainly came about because of M, who drew a sharp robin with big red breasts and teeth, followed by a bear from a dream which looked like a food processor (but it had a big furry body and lots of eyes !).

I made my circle with seven segments (one for each day) and drew pictures to reflect my week, it is finished and I do not hate it, I think it is awesome and I can step through each day and remember.

T returned, he had said he would get courgettes for tea, he did not. I make my way to Tesco to get courgettes, I take my noble spine and all is well. I buy me a crunchie icecream in celebration of the glorious day and my first successful drawing expedition. I get home, we don't have any lemons either, I return to Tesco, I had the urge to run (like I mostly do), I rest in the moment, I do not run, all still is well. There is a magnificent cloud it is very grey and the sun strikes out dramatically all around the edges, like it is gilded.

I make food with courgettes, lemon and freshly picked basil from the greenhouse .. I shower .. I make my way to Tai Chi.

We play with energy, we play the form to cross hands while watched and held by a partner, we talk about the power of Poulstone and the love which is there, we talk about RDTC in the future without the Deepening. Feeling good, I get home at 9.30pm.

I go to bed, the guys in the flat across the way are singing along loudly and drunkenly to 80s songs ! 'I need your love .... Nothing compares to you .... Show me heaven .... I would do anything for love ....' I bathe in moonlight from the window, my skin is silver. I feel the happiest I have felt in years .. the singing rocks me to sleep.

I have a bad dream, I am on a runaway train going faster and faster - AN is the driver, he cannot stop it .. I wake up .. there is no train .. the singing has stopped.