I Love Love - Day 26

August 19th 2006

I was tired .. so tired .. I couldn't get up, I stirred when T brought me tea and didn't wake up until it was cold. I finally dragged myself out of bed and felt better straight away. I took the dog out and we met a lady on Causeway who came rushing up saying how beautiful Corbin was, he wagged his tail like mad .. doh .. he gets all the attention ! Then we bumped into T's Mum, I haven't seen her for ages and so she had to fill me in on everything that has happened (or rather mostly what has mishappened !). Corbin whined a bit and then gave that up and sat down in the road, then when it was clear we were not moving on any time soon, he lay down and made himself comfortable .. when we set off again he looked all pleased with himself as he gulped down a biscuit. We came home and T asked me to help him with my bike in the garage, I felt the grumpy, hard done by me rise up, I wanted to get on into my day of creation, I let this go, helped him out and was able quite soon to come to my room.

Today I want to do some more scrapbook pages and I feel a nagging mandala 'have to', I let go of this also and settle down to scrap. I put 'Sanctuary' on the stereo, light my candle and set about sticking stuff, by eye today rather than measuring everything exactly !

T made some lunch and I stopped to eat. So far today feels a bit weird, like I'm not really letting it happen, not really letting it in.

After lunch, I put on some trance music. I completed my page and then sat to make some mandalas, mainly I think because I still felt I should and also because I had a thought 'what would I put in my scrapbook for today' ? if I did no mandalas at all ! All the mandalas I did were unsatisfactory and feel superficial, quickly, I let go of all of this and returned to another scrap page.

T has gone out to the flower show and so I have come downstairs, all my creation 'stuff' is still upstairs, but music has started to move me and I feel that I need to sit with the essence of what this is really about and let it in, to touch me properly instead of 'doing'.

So I put my singing bowls meditation on the stereo, I light 3 candles on the coffee table and sit on a pile of cushions on the floor .. the power of the rich and mellow sounds meet my ears as the air feels heavy in my upturned palms, it feels like I breathe in the music, I breathe the heavy air in through my palms and I chose life, I join with my Tao and my day so far no longer matters, I rest right here in this moment of now and all is ok. The CD moves onto the next track and crystal bowls now meet me, I am drawn out of the moment by the desperate urge to write about this feeling in my journal before it is gone .. too late .. it is gone. I return to the first track and it touches me again. I sit and gaze into the candle flame .. nothing else matters except this moment .. I could be anywhere .. I find myself humming along with the rich tapestry of sound which fills my room, fills my body, fills my world. As it ebbs and flows from crescendo to crescendo. Candle flames are so beautiful as are the pools of molten wax on which they seem to float .. and once again, I need not search for meaning in my life because it is right here in this moment, right here in this music, right here in this candle flame ..

.. It is right here in my heart ..

.. a little piece of wax has broken off one of the candles and I drop it into the molten pool and watch it slowly melt away, like my troubles, my stress and my preoccupation with why my life is so hard and my constant battle with what is .. why do I do what I do ... that doesn't matter right now either .. I am alive .. I am here in this moment allowing my sacred life to touch me. I have been looking for myself, working towards being whole again .. wanting to return to my true nature which is love .. in this moment .. I am here .. I am whole and I am love .. I cry .. I am amazing.

I sit with this CD for a long while then I spend the next couple of hours just sitting on my cushions with various music. Sitting cross legged, with my candles, then I listen once more to my singing bowls. I return to the moment and life moves inside me again.

T returns and cooks home grown and freshly picked corn on the cob for tea.

I finish another scrap page and am glad I let go of the mandala 'have to' today !

I can't help myself and I go to bed with singing bowls, the blinds are open, there is rain on the window (although it isn't raining), there is a gentle breeze. Again I am thankful in this moment for my life.

The thing I have been wishing for, for so long is finally starting to happen to me .. something in me has chosen this path and I am thankful that I am turning towards it now instead of away.

I love love and I don't feel tired !