Mosaics On Day 35

October 19th 2006

It is very, very windy and a bit rainy today, but still mild as the dog and I embark on our walk, which is full of coughing - my feeble excuse for not being in the moment at all.

I come to sit with my cup of tea, my candle and the weather outside the window as the wind buffets the trees and flowers beneath me. I put two of my collages onto nice backing paper as I have decided to have them laminated, I spend quite a while cutting round the edge of my photo collage and the result it pleasing. I am listening to various music and nothing is really moving inside. I feel restless all over again.

After lunch, I begin to experiment with mosaics .. I start off with a very simple one, cutting a photo of an earlier mandala into strips .. it's ok .. then I embark on another made up this time of tiny (1cm x 1cm) squares .. as I mark out the photo, cut and then stick onto the page, I think how long this is going to take and become aware of the need to enjoy the journey and not just want for the end product .. I stop my music and sit quietly to enjoy the cutting and sticking and soon I am enjoying it and it is looking good. I do one more but decide I think that mosaics are not for me.

Although T has only interrupted me once, I feel like I have interrupted myself many times, I have made much tea and just have not allowed myself to drop in so far today.

I look out of the window at the bright and colourful cosmos flowers and my yellow roses being tossed around in the wind, I watch the clouds pass by overhead and think this is what life is about, there isn't any more to it than this .. however this time, I can not feel it, only know it .. I sit with can I let that be ok ?

In R's letter there are questions to contemplate and I spend a while reflecting on my Deepening journey so far ..

.. passion for creativity .. stillness inside .. self worth .. taking up my rightful place on earth .. separation from the energy of others .. meaning and direction .. positivity .. 'to be' is enough .. 'being with' fear .. slowing down .. calmness .. letting go .. forgiveness .. normality .. smiling .. joy and happiness .. living from my heart .. trust in others ..

and how day by day, these things are happening more.

Then I sit to write my project report to R to take with me this weekend, I could write forever, I sit for a while to let the most important things rise to the surface. As I write, the rain gradually stops and the sun shines through my window onto my face, the sky is blue and the moment touches me as beautiful, what perfect timing ..

So this afternoon, no music, just weather, my candle (and the odd cup of tea). There is this nagging in the back of my mind that I have not been able to tell R everything and he won't know how utterly fabulous and rewarding my project has been - I let this go, of course he will know, he will feel the energy in what I have written and he will know.

My candle illuminates the room, the rain falls steadily again outside the window. I go to bed with the sound of the rain.