Not Until The Very End - Day 34

October 14th 2006

Although I had a whale of a time last night emailing nonsense to and fro some crazy guy I know ! I ending up going to bed really late and then being too 'high' to sleep for ages. When I got up this morning and it was much later than normal, I felt a pang of 'shit, now there is less project day than usual left, I have wasted it lying in bed' and when I sat with that, I decided that my body had done what it needed to do and there is still plenty of time left !

The dog and I went for our walk and I was struck (coming abruptly on one occasion to the moment at the end of a lane) more than once by golden/red autumn leaves (like the ones in J's note) on climbing plants. I love autumn .. colourful and beautiful.



I get home and I come to sit, Tony is in my room on the PC, he says he won't be long .. right now, that's ok .. I tidy my desk .. he stays much longer than 'not long' and I start to get irritated, he's sitting on my chair, I am standing and project day is ticking away .. I feel a little unreasonable and not soft .. as I become aware of this, I begin to soften and eventually, he goes away and I can sit.

My first mandala is inspired by a scrap book page I saw in a magazine .. and turns out really well, symbolising my journey so far on my spiral toward love, including wholeness and individuation (which have started to happen along the way).

So soon it is lunchtime and I rush it to come back up and return to inspired creation - a little voice arises inside which says, rushing to a destination is not what this is about - I ignore it and sit to create again. Again, my next idea is taken from something I saw in a magazine and I intend to make it as a gift for a blossoming friendship, however .. as I progress, I am nagged by self doubt all over again, about how it is not a worthy gift and therefore I will keep it for myself .. I progress further into the afternoon and it starts to look really good and I change my mind back and decide I will give it as a gift after all.

I cover triangles of card and make hinges, I am really enjoying myself and it becomes an expression of 'the honour I feel at the friendship and love we have come to know'.

When it is finished, on reflection .. this afternoon has been quiet and on and off there have been no thoughts to catch me, however .. I have not touched that pure space which I really enjoy. I come to write a note in the gift and I write that 'I give this gift in this beautiful moment of now' and I feel a bit of a fraud because although I cognitively know each moment is beautiful, I cannot feel it in this moment.

T has gone out this evening and I begin walking around my mandala once again because I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't want to.

I come back to the moment which I can make beautiful if I choose to. I ask myself, how can I make this moment beautiful ? There is a song track which appears immediately in my head and I know it will touch my heart because it always does. However, the CD is downstairs and the alarm is already set and I feel like I can't be bothered .. can't be bothered to make this moment beautiful ? really .. can't be bothered ? I feel like I do not honour the intention of my project if I do not go to get it, so I do.

I put the CD in the player and I climb into bed with my headphones on, I relax and I listen to 'The Circle' which I decided would be the warm up for the main act, however, although it is nice, I have thoughts suddenly rushing through my mind and they do not stop .. the music is there and it drowns out my thoughts now and again .. mostly it does not. So after listening to it a few times 'wanting' it to work and 'trying' to touch that pure space, I decide to move on to the main act. At first the same thing happens, I'm not letting it in .. it is there in my awareness and I am bombarded with inner commentary which does not let up, I spin off into oblivion swallowed by it .. I am only brought back by the CD changer loading the next CD !

OK, so I lie in bed and I feel my spine, do I really want to let this in, or is my project day already over and done ? I put my hand on my heart and know that, I have come to really enjoy the space when I allow it and that it nourishes me more than I can express.

I lie still and can still feel the noble line of my spine held by the mattress. I am aware now also of my breathing, deeply, in and out, the rising and falling as I begin the track again. As I continue to breathe, more gently now and to remember the line of my spine, I have a sense of the mattress holding all of me .. the sounds of the piano and the sweet, lush saxophone in harmony begin to wash over my body .. as I breathe them in, I begin to feel the notes fill up my body. At the very end of the track there are four bars, each contains a semibreve and I am nowhere else but right here in this moment, my whole body tingles with the pure sound, as his breath flows gently and effortlessly through the saxophone, it makes the moment without question beautiful .. beautiful absolutely. I have to play the track again. It eases my mind, it calms my thoughts, it soothes my soul. This moment is now truly beautiful .. the last four bars are beautiful. I play the track once more and I hold the headphones tight against my head, I notice, I have furrowed my brow and I relax this along with the rest of my body continually throughout the final gift of this track .. my body breathes in the sweet, sweet tone, deeply into my bones again and I am grateful I gave myself this at the end.

Sweet, tender loving and sax with Kenny G - the perfect end to any day - if I just let it be.