More Collage On Day 33

October 6th 2006

I got in very late last night, from another perfect night of friendship and laughter ..

'Laughter is the shortest distance between friends' - Anon

.. and so again now feel very tired .. however, after breakfast, the dog and I embark on todays adventure and I start to feel better. It is mild and not raining. I notice trees and flowers and a sliver of blue sky sandwiched between grey and white clouds. Mostly however, dog walks now do not really feel different on project days and when I acknowledge that, I feel disappointed and like I 'should try harder'.

I recall something R said to me once 'You say you don't feel anything, well that's a feeling! If you start there you will be amazed what is there. What you mean is that when you look for the memory of what heart feels like, it is not there. Correct. A new sensation of heart awaits eyes unclouded by longing or history. Just breathe, soften and relax and let your intention show you the love that waits for you' .. again, I rest right there ..

We were almost home and it had been a very pleasant morning up until this point, then right in the moment of now, it began to absolutely chuck it down with rain .. not just little rain .. massive, huge, monster rain balls .. instantly we were both soaked, I didn't have time to put up my hood or roll down my sleeves or prepare in any way .. I was just very wet and Corbin well he was speeding along with his ears down flat, keeping as low to the ground as he could (presumably it's drier there ?) well as we were charging home .. it came to me in my cold and soaking wet through to the skin jeans that, it's only rain and I actually quite like rain and have been looking forward to autumn and winter and it ain't gonna kill nobody and so, I stood back up and as the rain ran down my neck and back and drops fell off the ends of my hair .. it was ok .. we got home and it went off !

As I sit downstairs (T has gone to R's) there is the most glorious sunshine. The dog and I sit just being, quietly. It is 12.15 and so far no mandala creation and although it passes through my mind that I 'should' be 'doing' something .. I relax and know that I am ! I put the Be Good Tanyas on the CD and am caught over and over, thinking about last night, the Living Transformation (which is this weekend), the Deepening, V, L, friendship etc. etc. etc. it does not stop. My flowers (given to me last night in celebration by V and L) are on the table in the vase, my first mandala of the day

  

The music stops, I sit in silence, it's very windy outside, I feel sleepy. I close my eyes and allow the sounds of the wind to come to me, the ticking of the dishwasher dial, an awareness of the rising and falling of my hands on my belly with each breath.

I come upstairs to embark on my first creation, it will be a collage day. I begin with strips of blue paper around a circle and some of the encouraging words from my launch night. All the while, more and more thoughts .. blah blah blah. I begin a coloured collage with circles cut from a colourful magazine. I take my cutting downstairs, T is still out. The circles look crap .. I persevere .. I stick more and more coloured bits onto the page and it still looks crap .. I continue to persevere and gradually, I start to like it, by the time it's finished, I think it's looks awesome and I love it .. maybe I can do collage after all ? :)

Then I make another out of strips of colour, which is rubbish and it doesn't matter. I return to my room on T's return to listen to Eternal Spirit and Forever Healing, both of which always bring about quiet inside. They do .. all thoughts have left me and I feel like I have been hours without them. I don't really notice just how quiet it is until the thoughts return and then the difference is profound.

Inspired by a crossword, I decide to create a kind of crossword mandala which ends up looking like a ransom note. I spend hours and hours, cutting letters from a magazine and building up the encouraging words again. As I do this, I am struck by how much a lot of them have moved into my life (as I intended, but didn't really believe) since the start of my project. For hours and hours it is oh so silent again, until one of the words goes outside the circle, I start to curse and feel like I ruined my perfect creation when it was all going to well .. I let go into this 'mistake' ? and it means now that more words will fit on the mandala !

I stopped at 9.45, my back breaking in two as I have been working on the floor and have not been sitting properly.

I lie in my bed and relax into the pain in my lower back. I do some stretches and feel thankful once more for my project and my life in this moment. My back is no longer hurting .. I am ok.