Many, Many Mandalas On Day 42

'In Life .. We Think We Have Forever .. And Then We Don't'

December 10th 2006

There are many mandalas today and some Bargello .. everything is quiet and I know I am still avoiding 'real quiet' as I feel my project reaching it's conclusion.

I listen to the CDs from the last Deepening meet and I hear again that 'In life .. from time to time, we think we have forever .. and then we don't .. and in that assumption, we miss the moment' - it feels like a punch in the stomach as it did when R said it in the circle and as it has each time I have played this CD. They are very powerful words for me and they feel like a big stick to beat myself with and I am aware that I must start to accept and yield to this or it will contribute to another downfall that I do not need or necessarily have to choose.

I decide to take a bath with the intention to let go and allow the real quiet to come and it doesn't fail me. At first my mind is busy with thoughts, many thoughts .. but the water is hot and it soothes my body, as the candles flicker, my body is bathed in their soft light .. the surface of the water is perfectly still. Tiny drops fall from my fingertips and ripples spin out across the rich reflection of the candles. Time stands still for a while .. I notice also that my hand is reflected and I have an image of two parts of me, the part (above the water) which keeps my life going day by day as the other part (a deeper part - beneath the water) falls apart constantly, buffeted by the movements inside, stirred by the Deepening and therapy.

Although I acknowledge that to change, undo and let go of old and unuseful patterns is my only hope of a future, sometimes I wish I could turn back ... as it is so very hard ... I have come to far to turn back ...