And Further ..

.. I spend a night in Bath with J & P, there is good food and conversation, I don't really want to leave .. and on the way back, there is a most beautiful nearly full moon and the lights of Bristol flood the skyline ..

.. again I feel deep anger in class at Tai Chi .. my knees are hurting .. I can't 'do' it 'right' .. the weight is in my heels .. I've been doing Tai Chi for a long time now and the weight is in my heels .. again I can't see out .. I am sad because no-one understands, they just look at me like I'm crazy .. I feel crazy ..

.. I try to unravel all this at therapy and I just don't get it .. there is the suggestion that I want to be perfect, that isn't possible, I will never achieve that and I get mad that I don't .. when the anger comes again, I need to step out of it .. I will try to do this ..

.. I have the intention to allow the anger and hate, embrace it and try to come back to myself ..

.. I will attempt to 'meet it, feel it, allow it, yield to it, it is just a feeling passing through. It will pass on in time. It is not me in my essence' and 'feel the space around me - that is not angry, or filled with hate' ..

.. why is it so much easier to hate myself than to have compassion for my struggle ? .. I DO NOT GET IT ..