Another Bad Week .. And

.. P rings and tries to understand my struggle with the filming of my form and now with my life and it's shit all over again .. he does not dismiss what I feel .. I know he is trying to help .. it does not ..

.. I venture out to lunch around 4pm, it is hammering down with rain .. I wander around with no purpose, my feet are soaked and squelchy .. I think how nice all the lights look, the world in a sodium hue .. street lights .. office lights .. lights on the surface of the water .. it makes me feel Xmasy (even though I normally do not even entertain Xmas) .. that makes me feel sad .. I am aware of people all around rushing here, rushing there .. and I stop in the pouring rain by the bridge, after walking down the path strewn with golden and red leaves under the trees and I take in the power of the rain drops hitting the river, the sky is not quite dark and the storm clouds are truly awesome .. I stand for quite a while and the rain does not matter .. I reflect that another time, I would consider this moment beautiful and this time it doesn't touch me in the same way ? .. I return to work ..

.. I miss Tai Chi because of work .. I feel surprised at how relieved I am that I don't have to stand in front of it this week ..

.. then (wow) the Be Good Tanyas at the Colston Hall .. even better than I could've imagined .. I experience a fair bit of stress and it is completely worth it .. I was sad it was over and to boot we got really, really wet and that was ok ..

.. P came all the way over to see me (x) .. apparently there was the most impressive double rainbow over Bristol and I missed it .. our time together is nice and I feel safe enough to ask P to watch my form with me .. we watch and P sees goodness .. I still see none and I get mad all over again .. then I put on the video from 18 months ago and although we do not watch this with the same attention, I do see a difference and briefly I do feel better and now I feel like I can watch it again on my own ..