Sweet, Sweet Music On Day 39

November 17th 2006

I woke up and the sun was on the blinds, the sky was a perfect blue. It was quiet inside and another bad day .. all the flowers I saw today were dying, something inside of me is dying ..

I light my rose candle and sit with the rain on the window, I light lots of candles in a circle on the table and I breathe their light into my heart where it is dark as night.















I make my first mandala

'As the beauty of each sunset marks the passage of time, every sunrise gives us hope and promise for all that is yet to come - Floria'




















Followed by another which charts my Deepening journey from the beginning to the instability of today




















Then, there is an email which tells me 'Find the warrior, find the root. Do you really want to move on ? Where is the warrior, find her, she is who you need right NOW' at first, I do not let this touch me .. I look for a while and I can't find her or her root .. then I am taken by fear and doubt and I get to thinking maybe she is not and never was a warrior ? I get angry and sad all over again. I make a 'WARRIOR ?' mandala, I feel lost and empty.

I read today's www.dailymotivator.com - 'Empty yourself of every disappointment, every desire. Gently let it all go. Underneath there is freedom and there is power - Ralph Marston'. It makes no difference, I do not let this touch me either. I ask the I Ching 'Am I A Warrior ?' it answers me 'The situation is evolving slowly and Yang is gaining ground'.

I feel the same.

I put my Manifestation CD on which calls to the deepest part of my heart, the very centre of myself and gradually everything changes .. I am sitting and am aware of the emptiness inside me and a feeling of huge sadness at the thought that maybe I am not in fact the warrior I thought I was, or that I have been trying to be. Maybe the fight is just too much, maybe I have reached the end of the road.

In this place where I sit in the darkness, the rain on the window, the flickering cande flame, the CD is playing. I start to read in R's letter from the recent meeting, the part about the Deepening statement, as it still has not arisen and I feel the need to be with that. Through my headphones is flowing this oh so sweet sound and gradually it touches me in spite of myself and I put the letter down.

I feel myself becoming softer .. and it crosses my mind that what is happening to me is sabotage, as the fearful parts of me try to undermine my Deepening journey as it draws to a close ('Fear will tell you nothing will have changed').

I sit with the CD, a cup of tea and I light many candles again. I sit and I sit and the sweet sound envelopes me and makes me feel safe. It feels like it's time to stand in front of my Deepening truly and ask myself 'What is my statement of pass' ..