Back To The Future

.. so today, we play our form again for the camera, I am apprehensive and I guess, expecting it to be very different from last time (18 months ago or so) .. it isn't, as soon as I stand before the rolling camera, I can not go inside .. I am in my head .. I forget the form .. I don't listen to my body .. I look in my mind for the next move and it's not there .. I loose my place .. I miss out half of the moves and I end up facing the wrong way .. M & J are generous and say that it was free form and it was lovely to watch .. I can not let this in as I start to berate myself big time inside .. I sit down as M & J play their forms .. it goes around and around in my head, I am lost again in my old patterning, I can't help it .. we play a form all together and then I play my own again, it is better and I end up facing the right way .. it doesn't make me feel better about the first one .. I can't let it go ..

.. I get home and now I am only with myself and I start to lose it big time in darkness all over again .. I realise how much expectation I had for it to be different this time .. it wasn't .. I can not hold it .. I can not let go .. I am headed for oblivion .. I reach out .. this time I am met ..

.. I am reminded how far I have come and that some tigers are VERY BIG, also that nothing is a mistake and where I am in this moment is where I am meant to be .. right now it is very important to be soft and have heart .. I feel better and thankful ..

I light a candle and I listen to ReTurning and rejoin my journey .. sing with me .. ReTurning .. ReTurning .. ReTurning .. .. .. Home ..