The First Frosts Of Winter On Day 37

November 3rd 2006

Got up feeling just as tired as usual. However, it is a glorious day, very sunny with a perfect blue sky, cold and crisp.

I decided the dog and I would walk a different way today, down Beechwood Road. Lost in thought though, I turned out of habit down Filwood Road. Brought back to the moment by the dog trying to pooh on a step inside a gate .. embarrassed I had let him do this whilst lost in myself. I cleared up and walked back up the road and on as planned to Beechwood Road. There are still many flowers and most fushias seem to still be blossoming happily.

Soon after I got home, T went to the allotment. I sat downstairs in the rays of the lovely sun to make a mandala in a card for B, I reflect on how beautiful she is and how she does not accept this for herself .. I think probably we all find that hard .. I find it almost impossible .. I accept this happens because of years of patterning, but, why is it so hard to change ?

I draw a golden circle and due to a slip of the pen, add a twisting line weaving in and out of the edge all around (which looks great !) then I add in blue velvet stickers the word 'beautiful'. I make a CD and cover it with two mandalas and then I add selected words from the song 'beautiful' to the inside of the circle. I put it into the envelope with compassion for the struggle B shared with me on the Deepening and I include a large golden heart.




I sit with a thought that today, I do not feel I have stayed true to the separateness from the norm and soon see that there have so far been many moments with a glorious sun, the crisp air, the flowers and the brilliant blue sky and I have listened to some songs which almost always touch me. Above all, I have absolutely joined with myself and B's card and that actually today has been very successful

I draw a few freehand mandalas in my journal (because I felt like it !) and after lunch, I take a slow and indulgent shower.

I sit in the sun for a while with a cup of tea and leave for my massage at 4pm, I hurry all the way there with Gnarls Barkley hardly in the moment at all .. I ask myself, why did I do that when there was no need ?

L asks how I've been .. I want so much to say I'm ok .. I want to say all is well .. I feel her perfect holding begin, I feel her wanting to understand. She mixes supporting oils .. Orange, Ylang Ylang (which I love) and Rose .. I lie down and I start to let go .. L asks do I want a purely physical treatment, I don't feel strong enough to stand properly in front of this question .. (probably wanting to be emotionally helped, probably feeling I can't cope right now and I don't deserve it anyhow) .. and so I say I don't know .. we make a deal, L will go with what is and if I want her to stop I will say so .. she is gentle, her hands are on my back and I have an overwhelming sense of being alone .. there are tears on my hands and then on my cheeks .. L says 'be kind to yourself and remember you are special' ..

I make my way home, it's dusk (one of my moves !), there is a very beautiful moon (shrouded in clouds) .. in each gap between the houses, a new moment, a new moon .. it is cold .. that's ok .. I get home and P rings about tomorrow night .. he is such a sweet person .. I ring R .. as usual there is an interruption with no respect .. I am angry, I let it go .. downstairs I ring R back .. I talk to R for a while .. he makes me feel calm and like I am ok .. I know I am ok .. he says we are like waves .. we go back and then we go forward again, each time we go forward it's a little more than before.

I come back upstairs to make a mandala for G. I feel very affected by what happened in the circle and I need to make peace for myself. I use the rainbow letters I coloured earlier spelling LOVE and I stick them jumbled on a circle. I write G, to tell him how it is .. I write out of love, he has taught me a lot. I feel better.




I stop for tea, there are smaller helpings recently, my stomach is grateful !

Inspired by a ghost on a piece of card from Halloween, I make a mandala of Fear and recall P saying Fear is a devious little twit !

Before bed, I decide I will sit with the moon for a while. It is still very high in the sky and to be with it, I have to sit on the floor. I am uncomfortable with sitting on the floor with my back to the dark outside the open door (?) and suddenly I am gripped again by fear and I can't hold it. I close the blinds and get into bed. I decide instead I will engage with the chant again. I put my headphones on and as it washes over my body, I am not aware of anything other than beautiful music .. I play it again and again .. I am not tired now and do not sleep for hours .. when I do, there is another bad dream .. and tonight that's ok.