From Softness To Even Softer On Day 36

October 26th 2006

I have the urge to sit again with the offering chant, I don't really know why, but I don't .. in the post, there is the most beautiful card from a Deepener, who reaches into my world to give his support and tell me tenderly that he cares, it touches me so deeply (and I let it), I have never recieved anything so lovely and it makes me cry (things like this never used to happen to 'me') ..

The dog and I embark on our walk and I feel very soft and open this morning, brought into the moment by P's card, I feel I can rest gently and take in the morning. I go down the lane to take another photo of the variety of reds in the autumnal hedge (as my last photo was blurry) .. of course we are two weeks on, the hedge is no longer so colourful, as only a few red leaves remain .. impermenance and it's still beautiful .. I take photos anyway.

We continue on our walk (even on the side of a taxi there is a mandala !) noticing, noticing, flowers, trees, leaves, the sky, the clouds .. the moment .. every moment .. the trees lining the car showroom, softly yeilding to the wind (it is wind today not breeze and still gently they move with grace). The ground is covered in the rich colours of fallen leaves .. generally today is colourful .. the light is odd .. glowing almost against an ever blackening sky as the rain clouds move in.

For the first time in ages, I am truly with myself, in my body all the way around and we arrive home as it starts to rain. I celebrate this, it feels great.

I make a cup of tea and I read my card again as I come to sit now with Lama Gyurme and the offering chant .. I sit and allow my tears .. the power of the keyboard solo takes my breath away each time .. too beautiful for words.

Riding on the power of today, I have two things to do and normally even though they are both nourishing things, I would feel something about doing them on project day, which I always set all of aside for my project and I don't like to do anything other .. sometimes I even struggle with the idea of going to Tai Chi on a project day !! and this is a Tai Chi project ! Today however, this is different, I feel different and although I'm not entirely sure why, I can allow these two things to be what they are and include them in the spirit of today .. maybe this is because at Tai Chi classes we have been working with including, maybe it's because of the joy of the Deepening, maybe it's just because ..

So I visit J and am held unconditionally again in my knowing and my not knowing why .. then I visit G to discuss my project presentation and how it can come to be .. I feel excited .. like everything about my project from the start .. this just feels so right .. like it was meant to be .. it is part of my path for a reason ..

I return home and come to sit again with the offering chant and my pencils and 'try' to let a mandala arise .. a couple do, but they are rubbish (and that's ok) .. I just sit and looking out of the window, the colourful cosmos are writhing around, tossed on the wind .. I go out and I cut lots of flowers and I make a mandala, then another and another .. and this feels better. I scatter petals and they are not in a circle but they look good .. another day I might have made a circle .. today .. just as they fall is mandala enough for me ! (there is no right or wrong mandala - right ?)

It is 4pm and I feel like moving to music and so I begin to let go into CD after CD, track after track of dancing .. grooving .. physical mandalas .. I move and am moved by dance tracks and slow songs from the heart .. I love them all .. I love it all .. I savour every note and soon the afternoon is gone .. enveloped in music. Dusk is falling and I want to sit .. there has been no Kenny G so far and so I let go into the sweet, sweet sax again .. I sit on my cushions in front of the door with the dusk. I should eat, but this time is too wonderful to miss .. besides, T will be back soon and I will have to reign it in ..

.. I sit and write as the darkness falls around me .. I watch the sillouette of the buddliea dance against the darkening sky as the sounds of his breath through the saxophone meet my ears. I feel rich, mellow, calm and at peace and there is nothing better than this feeling (this is one of my moves for sure !)

I continue to watch the tree tops as they dance to the sound of the sax (so romantic am I).

6 tracks in and T returns and that's ok. I stop the CD and make some tea and then come to my room. A colourful mandala shows itself and I indulge.



I find myself falling headlong into how wonderful my project presentation can/will be.

I listen again to Kenny G and I sit at my window once more before bed to take in the sacred night with track 15, my favourite track. I can not resist the offering chant just one more time (turns into 4 more times) before I sleep. I sit with a straight spine, cross legged on my chair, headphones on and I engage with the dark once more. The flood light comes on directly opposite my window and shines in my eyes .. another time I could be pissed off at this .. I am not .. it is what it is .. I move my chair and I tip the blinds so that it no longer affects me, that's heart right ?

So .. there's the night .. my spine .. my arms wrapped around myself .. and this most beautiful, compassionate chant which fills my whole being with love.

I finally tear myself away (as although I could listen forever, it would not be sensible or practical to do so and I must let this moment go).

I sit with a hand on my heart and give thanks for music, for love and the life that I am in, which right now in this moment could not mean more than it does.

I acknowledge the circle of true friends I have come to know, who help me along, every step of the way.

I feel J with me all of the time, holding me in her heart.

I love love and today has been an amazing day ..

I am amazing (even when I think I am not) and my project days are just the most incredible gift.

There is no sweeter goodnight.