Dear R

After contemplation of the points in R's letter ...

This is a pilgrimage back to who I really am, back to the person I was meant to be before all the layers got added, before all the defence mechanisms came to be. I hope to become more loving and tender especially towards myself, more open and more positive. I want to head toward living life again instead of not living it and not wanting to live it.

This project because it offered itself to me, as did the name. It pushes my buttons and yet has drawn me in anyway.

I want to be able to hold and comfort myself and know that 'to be' is enough.

I intend to let go, let go of not knowing how and of not being able to do this. Let go of my 'this will be rubbish' and my individual fears as they arise.

I have created a sacred space and will invite myself into the weekly gift with candles, music, indulgence and quietness.

I intend to engage for an evening, the following day and through until the following morning with this spaciousness which I am going to allow.

Every time, I intend to sit and just see how I feel and go from there. I have some mandalas to colour, some books to read, many ideas about things I want to create, paper things, woollen things, papier mache things, drawn things, painted things. I have collected many different creative materials with which to experiment and allow. Meditation and space will be at the centre of my project days.

The principles will be needed all around this project.
I'm going to have to hold myself through the creative aspect which I have never been any good at, I have never been able to draw for example.
I will have to hold myself when the need arises to be flexible, I have committed to a huge time investment and although it is a realistic one that I can achieve each week, there are going to be times when I will have to be flexible, this will be difficult.
I intend to give away mandalas, create them in nature, have ceremonies to celebrate impermanence like the Tibetan's do, by destroying some of my creations, this I will need to hold too as I am someone who holds on to everything big time.

I head for acceptance and loving awareness.

I head for space and peace.

I head for a separateness of my energy from the energy of others and establishing my boundaries.

I want so much to be able to love myself and go through my life with heart, letting go of how it is now.

In this moment, I know this project is going to be huge.

SH February 2006