And The Beat Goes On - Da Da Dum .. Da Da Dum - On Day 6
March 20th 2006
I woke this morning with a heavy chest after another cranial session for my RSI - hey, no pain in my arm though. The dog and I went out for our regular jaunt with the mandala project twist. There are so many yellow splashes around, as crocuses, daffodils and primroses burst into flower. On the wall beside the door of a grotty old council flat, was the tiniest conical pot and growing there completely in the moment, was an also tiny and perfect deciduous tree, I looked around and in an absence of green, there it was, loving every minute of it's green little life (OK, I lied, maybe I am a budding Alan Titchmarsh).
I was drawn completely out of any sort of moment as I became more and more aware of the amount of litter in the streets. I do notice it normally and today somehow, it seemed to be worse. I got really grumpy and found myself walking my mandala of being - 'Why do people do it ? Do they think it will just magically disappear ?' 'They don't think about it, that's their trouble' ... blah blah blah. Corbin thought it was great, first some white chocolate, then a Crunchie, some bread crusts, a chewy sweet and a piece of cake .. all of this I fished out of his mouth which didn't make him grumpy but it swallowed me up and very soon all the moments of the dog walk were gone. I had missed almost the entire thing, being grumpy and picking up litter. I did manage to catch glimpse of a flock of birds who took flight from a tree with Red Arrows precision.
I was irritated and sad. No way to embark on the first creation of the day.
I sat at my desk in the window to write my journal and two sparrows flew onto the guttering above me, I can just see their tails bobbing up and down, they are not drawn out of their centre by litter. A tiny ladybird (I'd bet probably THE tiniest in the world) has just landed on my book, I don't think he is well, he is stumbling backwards in a circle with his wings out, I'm guessing he's in the moment though !
I lit some candles and I still felt irritated. It's not very spring like today, it is overcast, windy and cold. I do not feel the usual joyous prospect of my impending creations.
I woke this morning with a heavy chest after another cranial session for my RSI - hey, no pain in my arm though. The dog and I went out for our regular jaunt with the mandala project twist. There are so many yellow splashes around, as crocuses, daffodils and primroses burst into flower. On the wall beside the door of a grotty old council flat, was the tiniest conical pot and growing there completely in the moment, was an also tiny and perfect deciduous tree, I looked around and in an absence of green, there it was, loving every minute of it's green little life (OK, I lied, maybe I am a budding Alan Titchmarsh).
I was drawn completely out of any sort of moment as I became more and more aware of the amount of litter in the streets. I do notice it normally and today somehow, it seemed to be worse. I got really grumpy and found myself walking my mandala of being - 'Why do people do it ? Do they think it will just magically disappear ?' 'They don't think about it, that's their trouble' ... blah blah blah. Corbin thought it was great, first some white chocolate, then a Crunchie, some bread crusts, a chewy sweet and a piece of cake .. all of this I fished out of his mouth which didn't make him grumpy but it swallowed me up and very soon all the moments of the dog walk were gone. I had missed almost the entire thing, being grumpy and picking up litter. I did manage to catch glimpse of a flock of birds who took flight from a tree with Red Arrows precision.
I was irritated and sad. No way to embark on the first creation of the day.
I sat at my desk in the window to write my journal and two sparrows flew onto the guttering above me, I can just see their tails bobbing up and down, they are not drawn out of their centre by litter. A tiny ladybird (I'd bet probably THE tiniest in the world) has just landed on my book, I don't think he is well, he is stumbling backwards in a circle with his wings out, I'm guessing he's in the moment though !
I lit some candles and I still felt irritated. It's not very spring like today, it is overcast, windy and cold. I do not feel the usual joyous prospect of my impending creations.
I have two ideas and also a thought that so far, pretty much all of my creations have arisen from ideas, from a cognitive place and not in fact from an inner stillness. It doesn't feel wrong and it has it's place, however, I have worked 3 long days since my last project day and do not feel like I have been to a quiet, peaceful or still place in that time, so this morning, I am going to sit and allow the quiet to come. I have decided, no music, just a piece of paper before me and a simple circle, I have pens and pencils and I will see what arises from this irritation without pre-conception.
Something came to me which R has said many times and which he said again on the LT weekend. Who is it who sits ? The grumpy, irritable one who doesn't feel at home with the project today, is not going to allow it inside. The one who loves this project and what it offers more than life itself (right now) will allow nourishment.
So, I sat with both of these in my awareness, acknowledging that they are two parts of me and I can choose, I gradually let the irritated, litter obsessed one fall away as quiet enveloped me, I felt emotional.
Something came to me which R has said many times and which he said again on the LT weekend. Who is it who sits ? The grumpy, irritable one who doesn't feel at home with the project today, is not going to allow it inside. The one who loves this project and what it offers more than life itself (right now) will allow nourishment.
So, I sat with both of these in my awareness, acknowledging that they are two parts of me and I can choose, I gradually let the irritated, litter obsessed one fall away as quiet enveloped me, I felt emotional.
When I opened my eyes, I saw an image on the paper .. I did not dream that could happen .. not to me .. and I cannot absolutely swear it did not come from a cognitive place .. maybe it still did .. that does not matter. It showed itself and I can't draw, I certainly can not draw a hand, which is what I was being offered .. so I placed my open palm on the paper and traced around it, it looked good, then colours chose me and the circle came alive as did the open palm and in the centre came an energy, it stayed simple and there was something missing, a link from the palm holding the energy to the outside world .. little lightning bolts were added from the fingertips to the edge of the circle.
WOW, did I do that ..
I called it UNIVERSAL .. and for me it symbolises my energy joining with the UNIVERSE (funnily enough !). I like it so much, I put it in a frame .. although, I may give it away.
I continued throughout the day to create many others mandalas, I tried a collage as someone on the LT suggested I might - T says it looks like a pizza. As I am not a saint, the irritable one did return with avengence and there were really no more of note until, I used another cognitive idea to create a mandala similar to my favourite last week, the spiral of words. Writing in this way held a certain 'I don't know' for me .. it centred me for sure and I almost became one with the words.
It seemed like a good idea at the time to make a larger one containing the story of my life from birth to present day - I already have this on a timeline which I did for another reason and so, I would just transcribe the words into circular form. It also felt like this would be cathartic and I planned to burn it at the end, to rid myself of 'bad' things in my past.
WOW, did I do that ..
I called it UNIVERSAL .. and for me it symbolises my energy joining with the UNIVERSE (funnily enough !). I like it so much, I put it in a frame .. although, I may give it away.
I continued throughout the day to create many others mandalas, I tried a collage as someone on the LT suggested I might - T says it looks like a pizza. As I am not a saint, the irritable one did return with avengence and there were really no more of note until, I used another cognitive idea to create a mandala similar to my favourite last week, the spiral of words. Writing in this way held a certain 'I don't know' for me .. it centred me for sure and I almost became one with the words.
It seemed like a good idea at the time to make a larger one containing the story of my life from birth to present day - I already have this on a timeline which I did for another reason and so, I would just transcribe the words into circular form. It also felt like this would be cathartic and I planned to burn it at the end, to rid myself of 'bad' things in my past.
What in fact happened was, I got drawn into the words big time and saw that I was an awful person in the past, who did lots of bad things and hurt people. I could not let go of the 'bad' feeling it introduced.
I was already uncentred and then began spinning out of control into the dishwasher fiasco, which T until now had been holding .. I sat in my chair with a straight spine (resenting the interruption on my project day) to talk with call dispatch, I spoke to the Supervisor, he was sorry for the unsatisfactory service to date and agreed to deliver tonight. I was shaking and I had stayed calm and achieved what I wanted. Uncentred again, the dishwasher was delivered and T was intent on installing it whilst cooking tea and I had to let go of my project again for an hour or so while we did this .. everything remained calm though and the dishwasher works .. so the nightmare is over .. food is consumed and I return to my room, haunted by the now completed 'life' mandala and all it's pain.
I had a Martini and lemonade .. don't think me an alcoholic .. but when needs must !!
I decided, to bed early, I would listen to some music .. Lionel Richie fell out of the rack, so 'Deep River Woman' it was .. I put on my lava lamp and soon an owl appeared sitting on a cloud which was held up by a crouching athlete with no head and a VERY long neck .. behind him, a dragon (not fierce).
Can I let go of my life before ?
It was a restless night and I had a bad dream, which I know came from within that mandala. I have not yet burnt it, I will .. it just is not time yet.
I was already uncentred and then began spinning out of control into the dishwasher fiasco, which T until now had been holding .. I sat in my chair with a straight spine (resenting the interruption on my project day) to talk with call dispatch, I spoke to the Supervisor, he was sorry for the unsatisfactory service to date and agreed to deliver tonight. I was shaking and I had stayed calm and achieved what I wanted. Uncentred again, the dishwasher was delivered and T was intent on installing it whilst cooking tea and I had to let go of my project again for an hour or so while we did this .. everything remained calm though and the dishwasher works .. so the nightmare is over .. food is consumed and I return to my room, haunted by the now completed 'life' mandala and all it's pain.
I had a Martini and lemonade .. don't think me an alcoholic .. but when needs must !!
I decided, to bed early, I would listen to some music .. Lionel Richie fell out of the rack, so 'Deep River Woman' it was .. I put on my lava lamp and soon an owl appeared sitting on a cloud which was held up by a crouching athlete with no head and a VERY long neck .. behind him, a dragon (not fierce).
Can I let go of my life before ?
It was a restless night and I had a bad dream, which I know came from within that mandala. I have not yet burnt it, I will .. it just is not time yet.
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