Out Of Control

It has been a tough few days all told, until then, I was managing to hold it all together, now I am lost once more in the midst of myself. This time however, although I am lost, it is not dark and I am still soft.

At Poulstone, 'life' goes away and it is easy to 'let go', it is easy to come into the moment and truly be there with myself. As this Deepening journey has progressed, at Poulstone, I have even become aware of a beauty within myself which I never dreamed was there ..

.. and ..

.. real life is not like that, shit happens, sometimes lots of shit happens, sometimes it happens all at once and I have to hold it or I fear I will fall apart.

This time since the Deepening meet, I am choosing not to take the easy option and slide into the familiar darkness in the pit of myself.

I am choosing to be with how I feel, shit has happened and I am in it, I am battered and it hurts and this time I have not turned away and gone underground. I stand with the pain and the hurt, let it do it's worst, this is the way to healing.

So the rocks have been thrown
And my cover has been blown
There is glass on the floor
As I turn for the door
I decide, I won't leave
I will stand here and grieve
For it is what it is
If I run, I will miss
An opportunity to heal
All the pain that I feel
No quick escape anymore
No longer will I abhor
What I am in the night
I am heading for the light
I will be great
Stand up so straight
And be me

I'm here to be seen
Fuck it

SH June 2006