Transcend And Include On Day 27

August 24th 2006

I was so tired again this morning after two long, busy and exhausting days on my own at work. My RSI is really bad again since the builders knocked the power out of the back of the switch (twice !) yesterday and I had to go round, bomb out and restart all the launchers on the 5th floor.

T took Corbin out as I had therapy early. I have had a run of quite up and positive days recently, where it seemed like anything was possible and all was bright and breezy. Today that has all fallen away and I feel empty. It felt like I was heading for another big low as I told J, I am half way there already, she pointed out I am not actually half way anywhere, I am just exactly where I am in this moment. At that point, I changed course, I pulled up out of it and was able to reflect on it instead of being in it.

I feel better.

My first creation today, a mandala of mandalas .. a spiral of my work so far. It's good and I like it - this represents me gathering myself up, it includes all of me to date in this project and my journey so far.

Then, I find a simple image on the internet which reminds me of turning towards love and this becomes my next mandala as I trace and alter it slightly .. I move on as lots of other mandalas appear on the paper, mostly inspired today by things I have seen on the internet .. the yin yang heart is traced from a design I found when I searched for 'love mandalas'. I draw 'Happiness' in Chinese calligraphy and find a poem and some quotes .. my next mandala reminds me of a ladder and I think of how far I have come since the start of a) my journey, b) the Deepening and c) my project.

T has gone out and on this occasion, I decide to remain in my room anyway. My mood has slipped even though I thought I had caught it earlier. I have listened to various music today and have not let any of it touch me.

My final mandala was made from a tracing of the wax I spilled on some paper.

I feel no passion today and although I have still managed to avoid the big low I thought I was heading for, I have not let the project in.

T comes home and cooks more freshly picked corn on the cob for tea, which I do allow to be yummy !!

I run a bath in an effort to relax and just be, after a day of thinking, thinking too much. I lie in the bath, still thinking way too much about everything. I am feeling very apprehensive about my bike training tomorrow. I am afraid I might have to do an emergency stop in the rain (hell, it's not even raining !).

I give up after not very long in the bath, as I am not allowing any affect. I lie on my bed feeling sad, today feels like a crap project day. I play track four of my singing bowls - waves and saxophones - perfect, finally it starts to touch me .. I glance up out of my crumple and spot a quote on my wallboard "People become more committed when inspired by love rather than driven by fear" is that what has happened to me ?

I lay my head down to sleep with that thought ..........