It's Xmas Day

After a restless night worrying about whether I switched the halon over to auto or not and several bad dreams, I get up early, T asks did I fall out of bed .. the dog has already been out and so, I go for a walk on my own .. like I did last year ..

.. as soon as I step outside the back door (and this is not an exaggeration) I notice that the noise level is virtually nil, scary that it is so noticeable. I walk out onto the Causeway where every now and then there is the odd car and mainly it is empty .. it's so weird like this and so quiet and it only happens so briefly ..

I walk down to Fishponds Road, totally pre-occupied by this guy who is walking behind me, he has his hoodie up and I immediately have him down as an evil dooer and so I feel afraid .. he seemed (in hindsight) simply to be going the same way as me (!) .. there are a couple of other guys also walking on their own and I feel the fear rise up some more .. consequently, I don't really let go into my walk .. fuck .. why do I still do this to myself .. there is (generally) nothing at all to fear and I miss out because of fear (AGAIN) .. will I ever stop .. ?

I get to the bridge over the cycle track and I want to stop and just take a moment, since I really haven't at all so far .. and as I stop, some guy comes around the corner and it is back all over again .. on the one hand, I love and crave the quiet and on the other, I'm scared because there are so few folk around .. it makes me crazy .. the guy walks on past, he is at least 70 !

I take the moment on the bridge looking down at the cycle track which disappears into the distance (thinking that the path looks so very long, like it never stops - funny that) .. except I don't really take the moment at all because I'm beating myself for not giving myself the walk and not allowing myself to truly be with the quiet, on the only day of the year when it's like it ..





I make my way home feeling like it was all just a waste of time .. I walk in the back gate and I hear a bird chirping, I look around and there he is up in the tree, a tiny blue tit and he's singing his heart out .. maybe it wasn't a waste of time after all ?

I go on with my day ..