The Shortest Day 44

December 21st 2006

Feeling a bit disappointed today that the mist of yesterday is gone, the dog and I walk out to The Magic Numbers and Andy Abraham .. not in the moment at all .. still annoyed at Corbin's gannett ways.

I decide today will be the day that I will stand in front of my form and write R with what I see. I read his recent letter before I do this. He says so many important things that it is hard to hear all of them, let alone remember them. There is one in the letter which touches me again ..

"Self protection would like you to believe the story that you tell yourself, but remember, the truth stands up by itself, so our job is to let go"

.. and I realise that I am starting to do this ..

What has changed ?
What happens in me as I watch ?
Who is it now sitting here ?
Who am I seeing compared with the first time ?

And so, I am ready to watch and feeling ok about doing so, then the Riverford driver knocks on the door and I take in the veg, put it away and T comes home, I can't do this while he is around, so I let go of it for now.

I come upstairs to paint again. Today, BIG mandalas .. one inspired by J's card

'May all beings be peaceful'
'May all beings be happy'
'May all beings be free'

followed by some BIG coloured circle thing .. bleh ..

There is cauliflower cheese for lunch and then another hand/heart mandala with paints on mirrored card (it dries and is awesome), followed by a pink paint and blue glitter mandala (it dries and is sandpaper - pretty sandpaper !)

I decide to make a 2007 calendar, so I sit on the floor in my room and embark on what turns out to be a very fulfilling creation. It maybe a bit corny, but I like it nevertheless. Dusk falls outside and although I look up at the window and note that this is happening, I am fully in what I am doing and so choose not to engage with it today and that feels ok.

Eventually, around 5.15pm I give in to the increasing pain in my lower back and the pull of the evening's beauty and I come downstairs, just to sit and to be. I open the blinds, it is already dark and a little misty .. tonight, there is no wind at all and it is not raining .. everything is still .. it is grey and cloudy .. as I sit and I sit, I feel my mood starting to fail .. I disengage with the garden and the beauty of the night (the beauty of life ?) and am conscious of making this choice .. conscious of becoming caught in my shit .. and I don't get it all over again ? why do I do this over and over.

I celebrate that I've had a good project day so far in terms of creation and although I do feel maybe I have managed again to run away from my form (T has been absent again since lunch and I have had plenty of time in fact to do it and I haven't) I have chosen to remain with my calendar instead. Also I celebrate that initially, I did let in the night and it did touch me.

After tea, I clear up my room so that I can work from my desk instead of the floor and be kind to my aching back. I finish my calendar and am in bed by 9.30pm.

There has been no music during the day and I seem to have achieved a lot - even if the 'perfect' moments were only brief, they were there.

Three project days left and then 'That's All Folks' it's playing on my mind .. ..