The Music Of The Night On Day 43

December 15th 2006

Whilst brushing my teeth this morning, I had a feeling that I would really like to celebrate this project day (as after today, there are only 4 left). It is drab and grey, but not cold. The dog and I go out as usual, hardly in the moment. I laugh to myself at the end of Forest Road at the comic Xmas message in the window !














There is a man on a bike all dressed in blue tinsel (the bike not the man). There are many Xmas trees, lights and decorations which generally make me sad. I get home and am angry with the dog because he constantly scavanges and because of the amount of rubbish in the streets it is almost impossible to stop him eating things he shouldn't. I really do not want him to be as ill as he has just been again anytime soon.

T has gone out somewhere. I sit with a cup of tea feeling quite down - so much for celebrating my project day .. I feel like right here, I can choose dark or light and I feel like I want to choose the dark - why do I prefer it to choosing to live ? maybe I will never know the answer to that.

I come to my room and get out the paints which I haven't used in a while. I make a mandala of black and yellow, my choices - black (dark) yellow (light) .. then I drip red paint (blood ?) onto it and I tilt the page around so it all runs. Then I splatter paint a blue and green mandala and I smear the paints around in a spiral from the centre. I put the mandalas down and return downstairs to play 'loud' music .. I sing with Josh Groban passionately from deep within me. My voice resonates through my body like the chanting the other night and I realise that in spite of myseld, I have emerged into the light instead of falling further into the dark. I light a candle and put on the Offering Chant followed by Pachelbel's Canon In D and let go into my tears as I allow myself to be deeply touched.

I take a very indulgent shower, I alight and have been 20 minutes ! I mosey along to my massage and tell L I feel ok, 'quite chirpilly ok'. There is a new mix of Pine, Cedar and Orange as I ask her to work with my legs for the first time following my recent knee (hip/ankles ?) awareness at Tai Chi. My lower back is tight (as usual) and she finds part of my thigh muscle is also quite rigid. L says that metaphysically, holding in the hips can be associated with a reluctance to move forward in life .. this makes me feel really, really sad .. am I really moving on at all ? L is encouraging without wiping out what I say, it feels like she meets me in a place where most others will not and I am thankful for her in my life again. I wander home feeling very sad, I snuggle down into my fleece jacket, as it is much colder .. it is not quite dusk.

I get home and T is still not back. I re-light my candle and sit by the window to be with the dusk as it begins to shroud my world which can be beautiful every moment if I allow it to be. Dusk falls and turns to evening and I remain sitting quietly at the window, with my candle looking out at the darkening skies and the Buddliea dancing on the wind. I get lost for a while in regret that I am currently still not where I would like to be.

T returns and says (genuinely) he is sorry to interrupt and that he is going back out soon. We eat tea and he goes out again.

I sit on the floor again, this time with a spiral of tealights and I open the blinds to engage with the night. The sky is cloudy and light polluted, it is windy and the garden looks peaceful. A tiny hedgehog comes to snuffle round the patio and then waddles off down the garden.

I paint another mandala .. I can't really see too well and it turns out to be very dark and bleh .. I listen to much music as I sit and sit .. completely silent and right on the edge of that beautiful place. Fear rises up at the dark outside the window and I could close the blinds and buy into the fear, I don't want to close the blinds .. I sit to allow the fear and the blinds remain open .. the fear passes and the garden is not scary anymore.

Starry, Starry Night and Canon In D again, followed over and over by the Offering Chant which gives to me the most powerful love as always. I find the whole of my being rocked by the keyboard solo over and over again. I turn my face towards the candles .. it and my body are bathed in the golden light.

I feel very, very soft and very, very mellow and I have let go completely as I am held by the music .. I reflect, I am caught again and still lost .. am I choosing to not move my life on ? will I ever choose to change it ? any of it ? Even in this soft and sad place, I cognitively know that I have come far and yet right now in this moment, I feel no closer to 'really' moving on.

As I continue to listen to the piano solo and as I allow the compassion of the track to touch my body deeply, it feels like the secret to life is held within the notes. I can see the tenderness of the softly relaxed fingers on the ivory as gently, softly and compassionately, they bring the song alive and right now it lives in me. It holds my sadness and it does not judge, it does not think I am crazy or wrong and it does not wish for me to be anything other than what I am .. and it makes me feel amazing ..

It has started to rain, the sweet sound patters on the door and splish splashes in the bird bath on the patio. This moment, all of these moments (potentially every moment) is beautiful and I don't want to leave. The water droplets cascade down the glass altering my view. They are gleaming in the light from the floodlights in the lane, the bushes and trees are caught by the wind and shadows are cast all around.

I get myself a cup of tea and sit now without music - still the blinds are open and as I engage with the night, I still am not afraid. The silence is beautiful .. and I am still soft .. the candles gradually extinguish themselves until there are only three .. J returns my call and although it doesn't really change anything, it helps somehow .. I have been sitting .. truly with myself in the spirit of my entire project and The Deepening and I feel like this is the celebration I hoped for .. for hours and hours and now it's time for bed.