Softly Softly On Day 11

"You have to let go to get what you want" is what the Barefoot Doctor told me this morning in his daily Docbox.

I feel almost back on track this week, life in general feels softer. The dog and I went for our walk, longer than normal, it was another lovely day and I haven't been letting it in fully these past few weeks and so, we just walked and walked.

We came face to face with two equally ferocious bull terriers, they were on show leads and were walking nicely until they saw Corbin and he saw them and suddenly, there was a hackle competition .. as there were two of them and they could not actually get to Corbin, they started biting each other ! I remained in the centre as the person they were with is a bull terrier breeder and so she was completely in control of the situation, even if it seemed like she wasn't. No need to be ruffled, so I wasn't.

It feels terrible to say it and I'm still going to. It seems to me that I have never before actually 'really' noticed spring, not in the way I am now anyway, I guess R would say, celebrate that I have finally noticed and forgive the rest. I have never noticed the gradual slide of the seasons into each other and am looking forward to the rest of the year in my newly awakened state of 'Deepness' ..

I also always think of the area in which I live as a bit of a dump, always covered in rubbish and surrounded by people who mostly don't give a shit about anything of their own and even less about anything of anyone elses. Anyway, it has come to me that actually while that is still true, in fact, I can choose to see it differently, as also, the area in which I live is very beautiful to behold .. if I look. This is shown to me over and over as I walk past many gardens planted and tended with care, repaying the owners with much colourful beauty. I thought I knew the streets of Fishponds well as I have been walking the dog there for many years, in fact, I don't know them at all.

As I came to sit, the sky clouded over and the bright sun was gone. I wanted to let a mandala arise from within me, as I wanted it, almost certainly I felt like it would not happen.

I don't think it did and actually that was ok. It was a prolific day for creation as I made lots of mandalas, some with more attention than others. I used pencils, crayons, glitter glue and then paints. I have used these particular paints before and today, I discovered that they are much more rewarding if you smudge them into one another and drag around the circle ! Rainbows are back in my awareness, as are stars. Today, some blue hearts. Some more black paper and glittery pens.

I did sit and wait for shapes to come into my awareness and some did and the outcome is quite shit. I also suspect the shapes came from the suns light on my eyes and not actually from within ! Also some of the shapes I saw, I cannot draw and I became very frustrated with this and so I let this 'idea' go and moved on. I then sat for ages and a beautiful mandala happened.

All through today, I have continually been aware of the holding in my shoulders, I have relaxed and carried on, I am really hoping that now this is happening, I will be able to change it, I head towards being mainly relaxed (let go) instead of mainly tense and held. It struck me that this is a combination of the first and second principles .. doh !

I opened my mandala book randomly and found 'Golden Apples' .. it offers that 'the treasure is within' and 'monsters are simply an aspect of self which can be banished with courageous resolve, without fighting' then it asks 'What is your treasure ?' - mine for sure is freedom from who I currently am.

A gentle breeze from my open window, as I listened to some more beautiful music .. I lay on the bed in the dark, looking at the sky .. very moved by a song called 'Come September'. It is once again very peaceful inside and actually outside at the moment too. In those moments, there was no holding in my shoulders.

I know I have said it before and it feels more and more like, my whole life is this project.

I lay a hand on my heart and give thanks.