Scrapbooking On Day 17

June 16th 2006

It is going to be hot again and so, the dog and I set off early. We managed today, to walk almost entirely without being there in the moment.



At the top of the Causeway, we were attacked by a Jack Russell whose lead was trapped in the front door, presumably so that she could have a nice leisurely stroll around the front garden. She was on the opposite side of the road, but not for long, as soon as she saw Corbin, she started going mad, spinning wildly, around and around on the lead and soon was no longer trapped in the front door and was instead barreling across a busy little road on the attack .. I was cursing and wishing I had walked a different way .. why me, why do these things always happen to me ? I tried to drag Corbin along, but this dog was trying to hump him and biting his back legs and well, Corbin wasn't very happy and started getting a bit pissy (understandably so !), at this point the owner, realising that the dog had escaped, shouted from the front door, 'Sorry, sorry, I'm just getting me shoes' .. then she had to get her door key ! and by this time, Corbin was sitting down in a piss and the other dog, who had taken a toilet break and allowed me to use the intermission to drag Corbin a few yards down the road, was steaming in for a second go, teeth bared ready for a fight .. the owner was calling 'Miffy, Miffy, come back Miffy' - Miffy wasn't haven't any of it .. 'Sorry, sorry, I'm coming, just hold her there a minute'.. I was kind of in a state of disbelief, this woman had behaved completely irresponsibly with her dog and now wanted me to 'hold her there a minute', if I had not have been with Corbin, or course, I would have done so, but to 'hold her there a minute' whilst she was attacking my dog did not seem entirely fair. Finally, the owner got to us and managed to grab her dog .. apologising profusely, I told her she should be more careful because her dog could have been run over .. I was not angry .. just glad that Corbin had not retaliated, if he had it would have been a different story.

This attack was on my mind the whole walk and I did not recover until almost the end, there was a huge X in the sky where the water vapour from two aeroplanes had crossed over each other .. I thought, X marks the spot ! the spot for what ?? I took a photo.

I walked past a bush with purple flowers, the petals were not separate, they were all one big mandala. I crossed the bridge over the cycle track and noticed the elderflower blooms are becoming very subtle, I guess starting to go over now.

I got home and after barging into my room disrespectfully as always, T went out.

I put my notes in with the bracelets and the rainbow mandalas from a few weeks ago and I went to the Post Office to post them.

I rang R and talked to him about bowing out of the Living Transformation. Before the Deepening meet, I could not decide, I really wanted to go and then I really did not want to go, I talked to R at the Deepening, he said he completely understands. Since my return and the hugeness of the meet, no part of me wants to go anymore. It's not that I do not want to be on the LT, I do, it is another great gift, it's just that, I no longer want to be on the LT at the same time as the Deepening, it is too much. When I initially asked could I go, I had at that point not engaged with my project and the Deepening was at that point not in my soul. My project has become a huge part of my life and the recent Deepening has blown my mind and I want to rest with what happened without blasting off into another huge learning experience. Maybe if R runs the LT again, I will go, maybe I won't. R is cool with it and agrees that it is right for me not to continue.

I also talked to R about when the shit hits the fan, as it has done this last week, he said bring my spine into alignment and something will change .. that's all .. just exercise the muscle .. it's so hard to do and I forget, forgive when you don't do it he said and celebrate when you do and then just keep on practicing. He said it's about allowing these things and being there with them.

Now I sit and look out at the boiling hot day, the dog is up on his bench covered in Factor 12, cos he burnt his pink bits once already. Do I feel peaceful ? today, I don't really know.

I had lunch and then lay on the floor in the dining room with my A3 pad, my compass and coloured pencils. A couple of mandalas arose from this space and something does not feel right.

I have been searching for weeks, months even, for a scrapbook suitable for the reflection of my journey. This week, I finally found one, a beautiful lavender handmade paper scrapbook and 50 pages of rainbow coloured cardstock !!

I am raring to go, this is why today does not feel right .. I feel like I want to start creating my scrapbook, after all I have 17 weeks of reflection to catch up on ! I have resisted all day until now, after all 'this is a mandala project' not a scrapbooking project and so 'I must make mandalas' !!

Well, poppycock .. it's all creation and it's not about doing it's about allowing, so I'm going to start allowing my scrapbooking in.

Well done me .. I have had a great afternoon, cutting and sticking and loving the pure space once more .. and to boot, it looks great. I only have a title page so far and maybe a couple of ideas, so by my current estimation, it will be complete in about a billion years and hey so what, there's no rush right, I have the rest of my life and I'm loving it.

The real mandala today was my scrapbook and I think I have had the most fun so far .. I think I was born to be creative ! (never thought I would say that) - lovin' it .. lovin' it .. lovin' it .. and then some.

I didn't really want to and did manage to drag myself away for a small while to cook tea and eat strawberries for afters with honey .. yummmm.

Continued with my scrapbook until the 'Big Brother eviction' at 10pm .. Big Brother is such a pile of junk, it is trainwreck TV, sometimes it is like watching the monkeys at the zoo, or a bunch of kindergarten children in school and for some reason this time around, I find myself wanting to watch it (who am I ? I am someone who doesn't even watch TV) .. I mean, sure, I could live my life without it .. and tonight I want to see the manipulative, back stabbing and bitchy Grace leave and so I do, for half an hour, I do .. am I drawn out of my centre, maybe, I don't know ..do I feel like I cheated, absolutely not .. today has been a great day and once again, I have taken the stand before many things and moved on to another point 'A'.

In bed, it is hot, the window is open and that tiny star which visits sometimes looks down at me, winking now and then as it makes it's passage across my awesome sky.

Lights out .. I feel good