Thumbs Up On Day 19

June 29th 2006

Another hot day, we went out early. Couldn't take the camera today as T was lying in wait for the perfect picture of a bee on the poppy, I think he was waiting for it to smile or something ! No matter. In the back lane, the man from the bakery was sitting on his step and he encouraged Corbin to go over which he did, I don't know what he expected, but Corbin tried to eat his trainers !! Well he didn't offer any bread rolls or cakes, if he had it might have been different.

It was a busy time, all the children were on their way to school and it was pavement rush hour, the dog was excited .. children smell nice, they smell of sweet things. He was pulling and messing and I was generally irritated as per other recent walks. Instead of using the principles, I used the choke chain and stomped through it all. When we emerged from the other side of the children, I looked at my watch, 20 mins in and I had not noticed anything, I had just been annoyed, there had been no stillness, no flowers, no fragrance, no sky .. no thing. As I became aware of this, it changed instantly and it came as a bit of a (pleasant) shock. This awareness did not last long however, soon it was gone and my walk was ticking away.

I took a detour up Radley Road as a Staffy was approaching, there were many roses, I smelled the ones I could reach, all the way up the street. Then there was a lady coming across the bridge over the cycle track with her dog. Corbin and I waited patiently because crossing paths with another dog on a very thin pavement is not wise when one of the dogs is Corbin.

We passed the disabled guy in his familiar red football shirt, we said 'Good morning' like we always do (although usually he is sitting outside the bakers eating Donuts !) and he gave us the thumbs up.

I picked a fushia bloom from a garden in my street and thought I would draw it in a mandala.

T had gone out, I hung the washing out and stubbed my toe on the dining table (obviously not at the same time). I began hopping around in pain swearing profusely. I straightened my spine and came into my body, relaxed and it was different, there was still pain and I was able to just be with it until it subsided.

I drew (yes drew !) a fushia mandala as planned and then another to reflect my mind during my busy walk earlier. Then there were a couple of others including a juggling swan ! and a spider which began as a yellow spot. I moved out onto the patio on my picnic blanket and some cushions and under my umbrella (who am I ? I'm someone who doesn't do sun). I came back in quite soon as it was too hot.

I put on some music and began to really listen to it and hear the words "This love, this love, is what living's for" .. "Somewhere we are whole, one body, one body and one mind". I was reminded of a conversation I had ages ago with a Deepener about 'Silent music'. I have lunch and then watch the birds in the garden for a while, picking up twigs and tugging at bits of grass for their nests. Inspired by these song lyrics, I make another mandala containing lyrics as they touch me now as I'm listening. T comes home, I move back upstairs to my room.

And so now, I come to more iris folding, this time of the group photo of the Deepeners which I have blown up to A4 and taken lots of copies of. Once again, I do not completely understand the instructions in the book and I start off wrong. I cut one of the photos too small and then I make the aperture in the frame too big and when I make a second frame, I stick it down in the wrong place. I get really, really irate, mostly when T comes into my room and over my shoulder says 'Why haven't you printed that on photo paper and why have you made cuts in it ?' I tell him where to go in no uncertain terms and he does on this occasion. I am sweating and bigtime grumpy, I want to cry and I recall that I felt exactly this way when I made my disastrous pom-pom in one of the early weeks .. so I calm myself (although do not use the principles - doh) and I persevere, I carefully peel off the stuck frame and I rip it and almost rip the photo too, no matter, I continue undeterred, I will deal with the frame thing later. So, I read and read the instructions and I don't get it, however, I sort of have an idea because of the folding I did last week, so I kind of make it up as I go along and soon, it's all coming together and looking like it might actually end up being exactly as it's meant to, by accident !! How clever am I ?! It is finished and I use the photo I cut too small as the final one in the middle and it doesn't matter as it is not too small for that position !! It looks like a mandala (even though not round) there is a spiraling effect moving in towards the centre .. I love it .. I am proud. So then I make another frame for the outside and stick it over the ripped one and then I make the back and take it to show T, really chuffed, probably, the most chuffed so far. He is far more impressed than he lets on, although he does say it looks good and now he understands why I made cuts in it. I feel good .. once again, it starts off heading for disaster and I make it through and it comes good.

So then I move again to my scrap book. I have had an idea for a while that I would like to make a tree with everyone's photo in the branches and so, I embark. Well, it goes quite smoothly, I have very sharp scissors now (!) and it is relatively easy to cut around the photos even though they are tiny and then with my recently acquired circle cutter, I cut rainbow coloured circles onto which I affix all the faces. The tricky bit comes trying to fit everyone's faces onto the ends of the branches of the tree I have planned to use, it is a bit of a squeeze and I also cannot figure out how to make it into a circle and I want it to be a circle. I try to get my head around it for quite a while and in the end, I take the decision to use a different style of tree.

I have to drag myself away from prolific creation to make tea .. I notice I am rushing, I want to get back to creating .. I bring myself consciously to making the tea and leave the scrapbook behind for a while.

After eating, T goes to the allotment and I bring some stuff downstairs to continue, the alternative tree works much better and soon I have roots reaching deep into the ground and a tree with the faces of my Deepening friends held in the boughs. It too looks good and I am pleased. I have moved on a bit with my scrapbooking, before I would've procrastinated for about a week before actually sticking it in, this time, I just stick it in. I take care to position it correctly and am very happy with the result.

I still have some time left at the end of my day, although I'm not sure really how as I seem to have achieved a lot today. I move to the next page of my scrapbook (don't get excited ! it's only page 3) and I make my title in gold pen on rainbow paper and again, I am bold and I stick it into position on the page.

I call it a day as the light has now faded in my room and I cannot see to continue and I do not want to use a light. On reflection, today has been a great day and I have made a lot of good stuff. I feel a little odd about it though, it feels like it has been a day of 'doing' and less of allowing. I have been using my mind and concentrating and mentally holding everything together. Although I have not been pestered by the usual pesky thoughts, I have not really been quiet inside this time. I believe this is actually the first time this has happened and it's all part of the journey right ?

So, to bed and as I lie with the gentle breeze on my skin and the cloudy sodium light polluted sky, two lights come on in the lane, my blinds are open but drawn across the window and the light coming through them casts a shadow on the back wall of my room, completely from one side to the other it looks like I am behind bars in my own private little jail cell !!

I have a night full of weird dreams.