Creative Drawing Rules OK On Day 23

July 28th 2006

Due to my late phone call last night, for the first time in ages, I did not wake with the birds at 5am, instead with a pleasant breeze at around 8am.

The dog and I take a much shorter route today as it is still so hot and he really is not interested in going at all, let alone for a long trek .. and I acknowledge that I have been doing this for me not him and he has been indicating his indignation by walking slower and slower and slower and slower .. and I finally take heed.

Maybe a shorter walk is the answer, as today I was very 'there' as opposed to not, as I notice a single Rose of Sharon bloom sticking out at the bottom of a hedge, it looks like it has made such an effort to be there .. a perfect pom-pom flower on the top of it's substantial stem .. a wall plaque on No. 15 (a perfect mandala) .. a red admiral on the buddleia .. the big daisies now over (so soon ?) rest wilting by the wall.

Sting accompanies me 'On and on the rain will fall - Like tears from a star - Like tears from a star - On and on the rain will say - How fragile we are - How fragile we are'

I run my fingers through a huge rosemary plant, the smell is divine.

There is a breeze, in the full sun even this early, the heat is almost unbearable.

We return home, T is doing his own thing and leaves me alone. I position my chair and sit just inside the french doors as the clouds pass very slowly overhead and the birds drink and bathe in the sun.

I create some mandalas based on 'The Seed Of Life' from my creative drawing book the same as last week, except this week, I have moved on and I draw everything instead of tracing. While I do this, I contemplate this last week and how, although I experienced a third panic attack, it has been a very different week to the previous two and emotionally, I have picked up a bit. I know the turning point was the massage with holding.

The day gets hotter and hotter. I move on to enlarging archetypal shapes, a 7 point polygon and a star. It turns out to be a lot easier than I imagined to do this and it looks great .. I can draw (incase I neglected to mention this before !).

T makes lunch and I sit with my feet in the sun eating salad, coleslaw and spuds ..

I draw another mandala incorporating various shapes - a triangle, a square, a hexagon, a 12 sided polygon. It is supposed to reflect 12 hour cycles, the 12 months in the year, the 12 signs in astrology. As my measuring is not mm acurate, the lotus petals around the edge do not quite end up as they are meant and hey this is my own unique creation and it matters not. I colour it.

I am aware for the first time that I am much more drawn to the circles and swirly shapes (which are feminine and soft) rather than the harder edges and bold straight lines (which are masculine), could this be a reflection of my inner work towards softness ? I like to think so and it makes me feel good that I became aware of this.

T goes out fishing with R. I sit to continue my colouring and my peacefulness while bathing my feet in my foot spa. There is a lovely breeze on my body . The dog sleeps by my side.

I begin reflecting on how important therapy is to me and that although everything else in my life, I can take or leave, this is not the case with therapy, which I would not miss for the world. I kind of get to worrying about this sometimes and my therapist tells me it is all part of the process.


There is a mandala in the book (based on the 'Seed Of Life')which has become my favourite of all so far, which I now colour, followed by another knotwork, which I also really love. I am aware suddenly of being preocupied and of thoughts of work, my upcoming appraisal, certain troublesome to me colleagues, exams and I become aware also that I have become tense. I feel disgusted for an instant that I allowed this to happen on a project day .. I consciously let go of these thoughts and verbally tell them to 'Fuck Off'.

I prepare tea and sit to colour again and here in this moment of now, I am aware that I have been busy 'doing' and have hardly let my eyes leave the page, consumed in industrious creation and that, this is not it.

I stop and just sit in this moment. The bird song approaches my ears once more, I feel the gentle breeze on my legs and face. I feel the tingling sensation in the bottoms of my feet still from the foot spa vibration. I indulge in a can of cider and feel the cool refreshing taste fill my mouth and slide down my throat. Soon, I feel the alcohol flowing into my arms filling them with warmth and lethargy. The dog snores his peaceful snore, the traffic on the causeway continues as always and the clouds pass gently by.

I put my MP3 on to listen again to 'Fragile', I continue to listen .. I know my mood has taken a dive since the thinking about work thing.



I go out onto the patio where there is still a slice of sun. The slabs are hot under my bare feet, I feel comforted, the warm sun is on my face, I close my eyes. I smell the golden rose and my Deep Secret, there are bees as always on the lavender, I run my foot through the rosemary and take in the divine aroma again. I move back to the warmth of the patio slabs and crouch beside the fushias, the various blooms are so beautiful. Even though I feel quite down, it flashes through my mind that actually, I spend a lot of time contemplating my life and what it is about, where am I going, why am I here ? surely, this is it ... nothing more, nothing less than this .. right here in this moment where all of life comes together, the good and the bad and all is well ... why do I constantly struggle, searching for more ? I know that I still will continue to do so and right now, I can forgive that.

T comes home and today I am a bit peeved when he asks when I am going to do tea .. however, I let this go as the cool breeze passes again across my body reminding me to remain in the moment where all is well.

My heart is open.

I make tea. We eat. I wash up and I retire to my room, it is too hot, though I want to be separate, I enjoy sitting by the french door waiting for dusk. I go back downstairs .. I fight the urge to watch Big Brother .. not for long, it's what I want .. R calls, says he is coming round .. my heart sinks .. I go back upstairs, I watch BB in the cooler room. I miss the evening .. I feel sad .. I let it go, I come to bed and I lie opposite my single twinkling star.