Feeling Better On Day 22

July 19th 2006

It's forecast to be hotter today than yesterday and yesterday was boiling. Went straight out into the heat with the dog. He went for the record today of the slowest dog in the world .. I walked with Tori Amos in a daze, I woke up to Anastasia. I noticed nothing, I wasn't there .. except the huge daisy and the leaves I picked to make a mandala.



I feel sad. I thought about something R said about how people say 'I am sad' and how they never say 'I am aware there is sadness', I changed it and something different happened, almost like before when 'I was sad', I was separate from it and now 'I am aware there is sadness', I am in it ..

T has gone out for the day. I sit in my rocking chair looking out at the garden and the sun beating down .. I feel back into my massage yesterday and think how the feeling reminds me of the safety and tender holding of the rocking in the arms of the Deepening after letting go.

I sit with my spine straight and I come into the moment. The sadness is gone. I ask myself what would nourish me right now. I am still. I hear a bee on the flowers outside the door and the birds in the hedges and trees. I am aware of the traffic on the Causeway, the gentle rhythm of the washing machine, the dog breathing by my side, these things are all here with me in this moment, in this pure space.

My MP3 is on the table, I put on the 'Space Within Space Without' meditation of R's that never fails to touch me

Can I surrender ?
Can I allow myself to lay down ?

Have a feeling of yes

No I can't - yes
No I don't want to - yes

Just allow it

Bringing the yes in my open palm to touch my chest. Being open to it. I cry.

I know who I really am .. I cry more ..

Naturally there is forgiveness
Naturally there is thankfulness

I have a sense of doing my best

My noble spine, my self worth, I am here to be seen.

The space in which I am sitting, does not judge me. I celebrate where I join the space and forgive the rest.

I am calm and completely at peace.

I am aware of the sadness again. I light two candles and put 'Arabesque' on the stereo. The rhythmic beat makes me want to dance. I dance and I play some Tai Chi.

I trace some knotwork from my recently acquired creative drawing mandala book. They look really cool. I try a more complicated design, I mess it up, I just colour it, it looks ok.

I stop for lunch, it is so hot.

I do some more knotwork. T comes home briefly, he has lunch, I carry on doing what I am doing. He goes back out. I trace a mandala with horses for my P, I colour it, it also looks great.

My music moves on through Bhangra Beats, Electroholiday and now Forever Healing.

I shell broad beans for tea, I harvest a single bean from my Deepening plant, the beans are fine (the power of growth).



I scrape potatoes, my music moves to Future Trance. I take pleasure in preparing the tea.

I trace some more mandalas, I improvise to make a colourful spiral. I move to black paper and sparkly pens.

I make salad and cook the potatoes, T is still not home, I will not let him make me late for Tai Chi again, I rest in myself as everything is ready, I serve it, he comes home.

At Tai Chi, A announces tonight is it, she is stopping to prepare for the upcoming birth .. I feel sad .. I feel like I'm at a crossroads again and am not sure which way to turn. I do not know what will happen, I let go into Tai Chi, to enjoy the evening and not miss it because I am marching into the future. I enjoy the lesson. At the end A asks us to share what is Tai Chi for us (why do we go to the class) and where do we want it to take us next ?

For me it is where almost without fail, I allow a quiet inside myself when mostly I do not.

I would like to be more informed by my body, to reflect indications in my body into my life. Also currently my Tai Chi is great when my life is great and when my life is fucking shit, Tai Chi for me is much harder to find .. one day I hope it will be the other way around .. I would like to find solace in Tai Chi when the shit hits the fan.

After Tai Chi, I sit in my rocking chair looking out at the garden as dusk falls. T is in the chair talking incessantly about bees and the allotment, I am not listening, it doesn't seem to matter, he carries on anyway .. I am peaceful and completely silent inside myself, dusk is beautiful. It starts to rain, heavy rain, the air cools a bit. I am tired and yet cannot bring myself to leave the beautiful fading evening. Eventually, I tear myself away and fall straight to sleep.

A much more successful project day than recent weeks.