It's Just Indulgence

Throw caution to the wind .. why ever not ..

July 27th 2006

Today, T is intending to be out until late with his new 'bee' friend .. I consider swapping my project day to today, however, I have an extended therapy session and T isn't going until lunchtime, so I figure, why not have a extra portion of project this week ..

I am able to talk again today about my recent panic attacks, J has a theory that this is really early stuff, birth or even pre-birth - choking, struggling to live when I fear I will die .. she says in her experience this is about patterning and that I should try to bring an awareness into the panic and to know that what I think is happening, actually isn't happening and to be soft enough with myself to allow it to be patterning which I can then live and work through.

It is a physical manifestation of a psychological struggle from way back .. it is not life threatening.

The more I talk about the panic, the less scary it becomes, both that it happened and that it may well happen again.

I buy some food for my solitary dining later and some cider for it has been a while since I felt alcohol in my blood !


I sit just inside the open french doors in my chair for ages, just sit looking out at my day, the garden and my reality, I reflect at length on therapy, I am peaceful. Later, I phone a friend, he phones back and we talk for ages, it feels good to indulge in idle banter for a while. It gets cooler and more pleasant, I continue to sit, dusk arrives as I draw and colour a mandala. As darkness falls, I feel fear, fear that I am alone and outside the house there could be danger lurking in the dark .. I hold this fear for a while, enjoying the cool air through the door .. eventually, I can hold it no longer and I take the steps I need to take to make myself feel safe again .. I close and lock all the downstairs doors and windows and sit again looking out at the fallen evening, it is so beautiful.

T rings at 10pm to say he won't be back until around midnight. I put down the phone, it rings again .. it is P from the Deepening - guilt passes through my awareness as he called before .. probably more than a week .. I meant to call .. I was going to call .. I didn't call .. I stand up straight and I let it go .. we talk for more than an hour, I notice almost immediately that P is very different this time, he is calmer and he says himself, more present .. he seems more peaceful, I am happy, he is great .. we talk about struggle and no struggle .. we big up the Deepening big time !!

I go to bed at the end, it is 11.45pm, I am no longer afraid .. I lie awake smiling as I reflect on my day and my true heart friends .. I hope T will come home soon.