Maybe It Doesn't Even Matter Why

Today, I am feeling good for a change. I feel the need to mention it in my blog as it has been such a rare occurance recently and the occasion should be marked.

I still couldn't say for certain why I feel better, although various things have happened this week : therapy was very difficult on Monday and then all the difficulties seem to have been sorted out in further discussions yesterday. I spoke to a fellow Deepener yesterday and felt it lift me. T has just got himself an allotment which he is understandably excited about. Oh yeah and my bean broke through the soil today on it's journey with me towards the light.

I am regularly finding myself in my body checking out the holding in my shoulders etc. and this morning, I was sitting in my rocking chair before work and when I checked in, for the first time my shoulders were perfectly relaxed. I'm not sure either why this checking in has started to happen by itself, maybe because I have had the intention ? If I walk around my mandala of being, I hope with all my heart that it will continue .. if I stand in the centre of the mandala .. if it doesn't continue, it has already begun to inform my body for sure and I am grateful for that in this moment. I came to work today without wearing the support on my elbow for the first time since January .. I have some huge shit in my life AND I have some huge things to be grateful for.

I went out for lunch earlier, I was walking with my music and the sun and the gentle breeze, it was light and bright around me and it was light and bright inside me too and I haven't felt that way for a while.

Then the Barefoot Doctor tells me "There is a feeling you get occasionally, that sweeps through and fills your person, when, for whatever reason, you momentarily desist from struggling with yourself about pretty much anything you can find to struggle about – you could call it grace – which viscerally assures you the Tao, the universal mind does indeed know and love you, that you haven’t been passed over or ignored and with this assurance comes the knowledge that all is precisely as it’s meant to be right now. This encourages you to trust the path you’re walking even if aspects or all of it make little sense to your rational mind just yet"

I am resting right there ..