Half Way And I'm Off The Rails On Day 24

August 3rd 2006

I did not sleep well and I think this has contributed to my uncomfortable day.

Corbin and I marched out to A1, well I marched, he dawdled .. doesn't do for a relaxing walk really .. the Livingstone Daisies are almost over, I noticed lots of flowers and there is something different today, I feel bored of flowers, I am discontent.

At the end of the road, I find a rainbow ball

  

which Corbin takes ownership of and wakes up suddenly marching back home to munch it up into little bits .. which he manages immediately !

T has gone out. I try some bubble painting after seeing it in a magazine and thinking it looked cool, I draw a circle, the bubble painting is rubbish, it doesn't work, I don't think the paint is adequate .. it just looks like a circle with some really faint blue paint in it .. I am annoyed that yet again it doesn't look like I intend .. today, I am not able to let it go .. my day spirals on down at a rapid rate from here really .. I do have a couple more attempts, with more paint and less water, more water and less paint .. all unsuccessfully and the paper is just soaking and probably will never dry .. ever ..

After my musical interlude on Sunday, I decide to get the keyboard out, I wasn't very good all those years ago, I try to play something half decent, I can't .. it isn't there .. nothing is there today .. I wish I could play and it sound good like when P and M played last weekend .. it ain't gonna happen .. I can't.

It is sunny, the sky is blue - the dog over the back is barking continuously as usual .. I am grumpy and feeling quite down.

I put A1 on the stereo and eat melon, I feel sick. I light my candle gift and sit to trace a couple of shapes which I make into mandalas. I cut four roses, they smell beautiful, I put them in water and keep them by my side.

  

I do some splatter painting which I also saw in a book .. it's ok, but doesn't do anything to lift me.

T comes home briefly for some lunch, while he is here, I extinguish my candle and turn off the music. I come upstairs to print the two photos I need for my next scrapbook page. I try to fit them on the page, I have the idea in my head .. I am frustrated .. I can't fit it all on .. the page looks crowded, I hate it .. I hate the fact that I can't let go of doing it perfectly, it will look so much nicer if I just let go and scrap from my heart .. I find myself unable to.

It is too hot .. I am pissed off .. I don't really feel well .. my lower back is hurting. I try some paper weaving, which becomes the most successful attempt of the day and looks ok. I relight my candle and put some more dancey music on the stereo, it still does not touch me .. nothing is touching me. I go out onto the patio, to try the slice of sun again, nothing happens this time .. the situation is the same, I am different, I do not let it in .. the sun is on my back .. I want to go inside .. I go inside.

Why is there always such a big low after such a big high ?

I make a phone call .. reaching out from what has become a very low place .. it has taken me by surprise .. I have been slipping further and do not want to slip completely .. we talk for a while .. it helps for a while.

T comes home.

I start to feel a little better, a little softer.

I come to my room and I finally fit everything satisfactorily onto my scrapbook page and I like it .. I finish it off and allow a tiny sliver of joy to touch me.

I decide to read back on my blog what I wrote last night following my massage, as I try to recall the feeling. T comes up and barges in, he wants the PC .. there is as usual a battle and he wins .. when he is gone .. I have hit the bad place again.

I go to bed .. there is the most beautiful moon, surrounded by gossamer clouds .. I feel it touch me .. I put my roses by my bed and I lay my head down after a terrible day.