I Paint And I Paint On Project Day 45

December 28th 2006

And so with just 3 days left to go, I get up to take the dog out and after a while, I remember it's project day .. here we go round again .. I don't want to be walking today (which is crazy as it is the most glorious day, the sun is shining for the first time in a while and it is very mild) and I take the short route. I get back and T is very obviously grumpy with me .. there is an altercation about the stupidest thing, another day, another way, he wouldn't be so unreasonable, today he is grumpy and so it's all a big deal. I feel really small and am aware that I also feel unworthy .. actually, standing up in myself right now, I am worthy (?).

I hang up the washing and I come to my room. I notice, I am feeling hard done by and angry and sad .. blah blah blah .. I'm bored of myself ..

I sit at my desk in front of the window (I haven't done so for ages and I've missed it). I open the window .. the glorious sun beams down , the traffic is quite quiet and there is a very pleasant breeze. I start to write my journal in rainbow colours and I am back. I'm right here still, on my project day and I'm back.

T is grumpy at me for simply being me and that does what it does to me - still ..

I kind of feel like I only got the paints out today to use them up because otherwise they will be hanging around at the end of all this !! and despite myself yet again, I let go into what I'm doing and boom .. boom .. boom .. some great mandalas ..

I sit at my window with my candles and I continue to create mandalas, when I started today, my mind was thinking, thinking too much and as usual now, as the day has gone on, the thoughts have stopped and I just am .. how could I possibly have not wanted it to be project day ??

My candles remain as the day fades away into dusk, there is a beautiful sky as the sun makes way for the (half) moon .. the window is open until it is cold .. the weather has truly been gorgeous today, not wintery at all .. and now, as I update my weblog, I listen to Kid Rock and read another meditation from my '365 Tao' book ;

'No matter how much we strain and how wide we wander, we all need some lodestone, some centre from which to operate. For some of us, this is a place, a home. For others, it is merely withdrawal into our own hearts.'

'One gradually peels back the layers and makes one's way back to the unsullied, pure inner person.'

(Deng Ming-Dao)

I start to read through my project journal from the beginning, thinking about my project presentation, I don't really need to do this, my journey is in my heart and I love that it is .. I never thought that could happen either ..

.. I read and I read and I read some more and suddenly, it's almost midnight ..