A Blue Lace Agate On My Final Project Day

January 8th 2007

I get up early to shower. I'm in two minds whether to make this a project day as I was going to, it seems too soon after the previous one and there is always Friday, or Thursday come to that and I intend a closing ceremony on Friday and so I could roll it into a final project day - however, being that there really are no rules and that I am feeling much better today, I don't struggle with this, I simply go to therapy.

Throughout this week of my nightmare, there has been a message louder and clearer than all other messages so far .. and that is .. 'I cannot do this on my own', J has seen that this distresses me more than anything else and so reasons that this is part of my deepest trauma and it's calling me to do the work. I feel held completely. When the bar is raised, it is met without fail and unconditionally even when I can only do my best.

It is raining and that's ok.

I get home and still feel a little ambivalent about project day. I sit with a cup of tea and somehow this changes and I decide I will allow it in as planned. I come to my room to continue with my scrapbook and almost immediately there is quiet .. then T comes to my room, telling me I already had one project day this week and can't have another .. he wants to use the PC .. I am irritated .. I let it go and go on with my thing .. he goes on with his thing and then goes out.

I make scrapbook pages until 3 ish and then stroll along to my massage, aware of how fully I have loved and been at one with this project and actually in the moment I am not sad.

L asks what's been happening and I tell her about the panic attacks and my resulting throat, I ask for some TLC. Once again I feel her stand with me as she puts patchouli (which is grounding) with a blend for the throat chakra and I lie down to let go. My back is tight but soon relaxes beneath L's touch. In my hands, big emotion rises up and I start to cry big time .. L remains there, the energy in her palms joining the energy in mine .. there is confusion in my mind, as I have the thought 'Do I really deserve this, am I really this worthy ?' and I hear myself saying 'yes' .. as much as I really want to let everything go and completely fall apart .. I don't (maybe that's part of the current problem ?) and L moves on through my body. As she gently puts oil on my throat chakra, I have an overwhelming sense of entering the final stages, of preparing to go it alone, in whatever form that may take and I am thankful in that moment that I absolutely am not alone.

After, I feel better, like I really needed to do that .. needed to let some of that emotion go and I am touched completely when L gives me a little Blue Lace Agate in the shape of a heart. She says blue is the predominant colour of the throat chakra and that the stone also can offer healing in this area. Do I believe in angels ? I still don't know .. L says be open to the possibility because she has asked my Guardian Angel to take care of me .. in that moment, I want to believe in angels more than anything ..

I leave to walk home, it is very windy as dusk is starting to fall .. I clasp the agate between my two hands and I hold them against my throat, crying again .. I approach the bridge over the cycle track and there is a bird singing so loud, much louder than I ever noticed before, I stop on the bridge and look up into the bare branches of the trees which are being tossed on the wind and are lit by the sodium street lamps .. I can not see the bird .. and it continues to sing the loveliest song (maybe angels help even if you can't quite bring yourself to believe ?) ..

I get home and I can't put the little agate down ..

I spend the evening enjoying scrapbook pages and realise that I have not made a mandala today and that feels quite cool !

I go to bed at 10pm but can not sleep, I lie awake still at 3am feeling more coldy and stuffed than ever.