More Avoidance On Project Day 46(b)

January 6th 2007

I'm not feeling so good, although the panic was there in the wings last night, I did feel much calmer after speaking to L and then J. Still, I didn't sleep too well and now I feel like I might have a cold, although currently, it's just my throat.

I get up quite late and it's pouring with rain, a reflection of what is currently happening in my heart. R's letter has arrived to mark even more poiniently the approaching end.

T has gone to the allotment shop for the grand opening. I take the dog out, intending only to go around the block, but it's not cold, so we venture further and I feel better when we return. I can't bring myself to eat breakfast still and so I sit in front of the doors with a cup of tea and I draw my first mandala of hearts, in twos ? Then a PANIC mandala, in the centre is a heart filled with calm, love and peace etc. I make a couple of others and I eat a cheese and hummus sandwich that I mince into a pulp before swallowing. My throat is very sore and dry and still tight. The panic is still there although currently not taking hold.

I spend a while updating my weblog and then ages writing finally to R about my form. I feel like I have avoided my project and my silence very successfully so far. It's almost 6pm and Tony has done Mushroom Tagliatelle for tea, I stop to indulge, it is soft and doesn't trouble my throat.

I come back to my room and decide on some more scrapbooking. I complete a few more pages and am aware that there is no way I'm going to finish it by the Deepening meet, I feel like I can take it with me whereever I am up to and that will be ok .. I do not want to rush it as that would not be true to my project intention and all I have learned.

I am alone and I let go into scrapbooking fully, I feel blessed as I look back through all the previous pages and am proud of what I have achieved.

I go to bed around 11pm, feeling pretty damn awful, the impending panic shows itself briefly acouple of times but does not overwhelm me like before.