The Truth Stands Up By Itself

.. so today, I finally watch my form and it's ok ..

I light candles and I sit to ask again

What has changed ?
What happens in me as I watch ?
Who is it who sits this time ?
Who am I seeing compared with the first time ?


Last time - I had to stop twice during the filming and start again - this time I carried on even though the moves were 'wrong'

Last time I was in my head - this time I was in my head

I’m still rushing – and it is no where near as much, it’s fast and no where near as fast as last time. The time it takes to play the form is more this time than last time and this time I missed a whole chunk out.

I have a much shorter step, maybe not always natural but so much closer - a big difference and that makes me feel good.

I notice, the way I do some of the postures has changed and they are better - iron fan -kick with heel. I can not decide whether my right hand is more ‘embodied’ in single whip etc. I think it is, but am not really sure.

My arms are rounder and there is more fluidity - I see me flow into press and push and ebb back out.

There are still places where I don't take empty steps, but I still have body as one unit and still drive from my waist.

I'm still holding in my shoulders and I can’t really see that this is any less, it looks the same.

It looks sloppy to me .. I give up as I realise I am the wrong way round.

While I am watching, I get lost in thought, I want it to hurry up and be over so that I can do something less challenging instead ?

I'm playing the form with my mind .. I'm watching with my mind .. I straighten my spine and I try to watch with my heart .. I try to feel the form .. .. .. I cannot .. .. .. even though I feel so much more heart these days, I still cannot be here with heart, even after all this.

I wanted it to be different .. my initial reaction on the day and then for a long while after when I was angry and hadn't even watched it yet .. was that it isn't different .. it doesn't reflect my Deepening journey .. now many weeks later .. after being with this and softening to what has happened in me .. it is different (IT IS DIFFERENT) than the first time .. there are things to celebrate (THERE ARE THINGS TO CELEBRATE) and there are things to meet with compassion .. it is different .. I am different .. and .. of course it reflects my Deepening journey ..

.. which approaches it's end and fills me with fear all over again ..