More Fever

The absolute worst yet panic attack and I do not sleep at all until morning when I sleep only briefly .. there is a green and yellow snake on the bathroom floor .. there is a big, tall and lucid man dressed in white on a tiny Brompton fold-up bike pedalling like mad down the road lined with trees, he's ringing the bell ? .. an earshattering noise like fingers wearing thimbles down a washboard ? golden flashes of colour .. again and again no matter which way I turn ..

.. then a day mostly of comfort ..

I am not my neurosis or my panic attacks .. underneath, I just am .. as a new part of me is being birthed and old part of me fears it has to die .. I need to nourish and 'feed' it with love in order to convince it that it can exist too ..

Dr B .. catagoricaly what I believe has been happening is absolutely not happening ..

I feel better .. I am able to eat a little food ..

.. I sleep most of the night with many bad dreams ..