All night it has been pouring with rain .. each time I awoke, I was comforted and drifted back into a peaceful sleep, lulled by the sweet sound of the rain on my window. I love rain !
May 22nd 2006
So, we set off on our walk, I was restless, I have to go to the Doctors later and I am already letting this get in the way .. it's there in my consciousness and I can't let go of it into the flow of my day. We walked quite a way and I drifted in and out, there and not there, mostly not. We cut up a lane and came across a water feature or fountain of some type - I could not see it only hear it - I came right into that moment as I stood listening to the trickling of water, a robin hopped in and out of the hedgerow towards us. We walked on, he disappeared into the hedge, a blackbird checked us out too, we were in his space, he flew off.
I found an orange tennis ball and soon we were rushing along tennis ball between tightly clamped jaws (Corbin's not mine !) .. he dropped it, I kicked it, it was wet underfoot, he skidded and slammed his face squarely into a stone wall - no matter - the ball tightly clamped once more, slightly muddy face, we marched on.
A Ceanothus hung over the pavement, they are so beautiful, I bent to take in the scent, instead, a nostril full of raindrop !
At the end of the road, Corbin dropped his ball and it rolled alongside the guy walking in front, as we hurried past to retrieve the ball, the guy engaged us in conversation .. much conversation !! .. (he reminded me of Tommy Cooper) he 'used to have a dog like Corbin .. not good with other dogs .. and a Bullmastiff who attacked the dustman .. living in Old Down, near Bath, a very rough area - if you went out, you got your throat cut .. anyway, the dustman called the police and there was an order to buy the dustman a new pair of trousers (things were different in those days !)'. It started to go through my mind as the old guy moved on to, his current dogs, their medical history, his own medical problems, that this is my project day and there will already be interruption for lunch, a shower, a doctors appointment, I can't afford more time out here 'listening' to this man .. I must rush off home, back to my room, to my creations .. then as my mind slowed down, it dawned on me that this is my first mandala of the day and that in fact this IS what my project is about .. engaging with life .. as I made this switch, I settled back to enjoy the ride .. soon after, the old guy burned himself out and he finished by telling me 'with a dog like that, you'll always find someone to talk to' !! I wished him sincerely, from my heart, a very nice day and he squeaked off in his head to foot dark green waterproofs .. after giving the dog a biscuit because he is a good boy to just sit all that time engaging in life with us, we set off once more and a few yards along, I saw the old guy again, telling someone else about the treatment he is waiting for on his hands - bless !!
We crossed the bridge over the cycle track and the fragrance of the elderflower blooms hit me full on again .. it is devine, the bird song in the trees was intense, we went home.
Once home, I saw the first of the newly fledged sparrow chicklets (they are nesting in the kitchen roof) .. they are cute .. they flutter and chirp 'feed me .. feed me .. feed me NOW'.
I sit once more in front of myself and my day. I still have this nagging in my mind, that today will not work because I have to take time out later and I recall saying at the start of all this, that 'sometimes, I will need to be flexible' .. I try to fit a whole day each week in around work and therapy and massage and life and so far it has not been a problem, today, it is a problem and it is in the way .. I am letting it be in the way.
I light a pillar candle and sit .. just sit .. I open the window, it is windy and cold. I notice my beautiful sky for the first time today .. white and grey (mostly grey, heavy rain) clouds fairly barreling by, now and again, pure blue.
I make a tissue paper mandala to remind me of my need today to be flexible and yielding. It is shit ! I was reading yesterday about the symbolism of the colours green, white, yellow, red and blue in Tibetan Buddhist sand mandalas .. I make a crepe paper mandala with these colours. It too is shit.
Following lunch, it is 2pm, there is no creation of note and there is no real stillness inside either. The white clouds are gone only the grey ones remain. There is no music today only frustration. I have felt my spirit gradually fall away and I am left feeling empty.
The candle flame bobs around in the breeze from the window. I open my mandala book randomly, to a close up picture of a sand mandala, they never fail to blow my mind .. wow .. so intricate and complex, truly amazing. I try to draw it in my journal, copying from the picture, I come into the moment without realising it, until my mind kicks back in and my thoughts catch me again. While I colour it, my thoughts continue and then I move to a magnetic mosaic of the picture instead.
It is 3pm, the sun is in the sky, the blue is back, the birds twitter and play over the roof tops outside my window.
I read in my book 'Sit silently, quiet the mind, become more keenly aware of the present moment - the place in which creation takes place. Begin with your centre - it is there you will find your mandala'.
Although today feels so far unsuccessful, I do now feel very quiet inside. Even when T comes into my room (which he has done several times), I remain calm and peaceful within.
A shower, a cup of tea and now I haven't left myself enough time for a leisurely walk to the doctors and so I rush, completely out of my centre again, out of my quiet and out of the moment.
So, to flexibility, I will take a leisurely walk home instead. I walk along the busy main road, I put surf and spray on my MP3 to relax my mind .. the traffic is rushing, the people are rushing, I am rushing in my mind .. I can hardly hear the waves ..
I turn a corner into a quieter road, the waves break on the shore, I hear the birds, I am only there for that moment and then it is gone, thoughts racing through my mind once more. I make my way home 'trying' to be in the moment, being drawn to my thoughts.
Almost home, I hear sirens coming closer and closer, a white car hurtles past me at huge speed, closely followed by one, two, three cop cars hot on his tail .. the road is double parked, they are going so fast, one false move and there could be a disaster .. I am gripped by fear for that second .. they are gone .. my fear is gone .. I go home.
I am completely discontent with my project day and feeling ironic that it is the last one before the Deepening meet and I am in the way big time.
I cook tea, I wash up and I come to sit again.
There is an altercation as T comes into my room AGAIN .. the door was closed AGAIN .. he disregards me AGAIN .. there is no calm, I am not peaceful inside.
The rain begins again on the window pane. I decide to sit with R and my favourite guided meditation AND right here, every thing begins to come right. "Naturally there is forgiveness" "Naturally there is thankfulness" "The space in which I sit does not judge me" I "celebrate the moments I join with the space" (and they do happen, they always happen when I engage in this meditation).
I am moved .. I feel silent inside .. I am peaceful .. this place is a beautiful place.
I love this meditation and I love the opportunity that is this project. Even in a bad place, or a place of trying too hard, at some point every week, I 'join with the space which does not judge me' and glimpse my true nature.
I ask myself constantly, why am I here, what am I doing, where am I going, how can I find happiness, what is it that I really seek ? Even after several years of these questions, I do not know the answers and I do know, that what this project gives me makes me happy.
To bed - 9.15pm - I listen to the talk on the 'Mandala Of Being' .. T comes in and says what's that funny noise ?
!!
Goodnight sweetheart ..
