My Journey Back To Wholeness

"A labyrinth is an ancient symbol that relates to wholeness.

It combines the imagery of the circle and the spiral into a meandering but purposeful path.

The labyrinth is a metaphor for the journey to the center of your deepest self and back out into the world with a broadened understanding of who you are"

And In The Wax ...

... a newborn, held in the arms of a ('beautiful') mother .. with VERY long legs !!

Mandala ? Labyrinth ? Mandala ..

Wasp Nest - Purple Inspiration - Accidental Daffodil

Complex Interconnecting Cavities - Day 7

March 27th 2006

Today Corbin and I were trying too hard until we were nearly home and I picked this tiny flower, then there it was, that elusive moment, right there where it had been all along while I was lost in thought.

Such a tiny and yet perfect mandala. I stared down into the mixed yellow centre and at the intricate veins in the petals. I carried it all the way home. It got a bit crushed when Corbin took a dislike to a Black Labrador on the other side of the road and also a bit wet when the wind took it from me, I retrieved it from the ground, and thought it wasn't so beautiful anymore, or was it ? Of course .. still beautiful.

It was raining and it was windy but it was not cold. The flower brought the perfect start to my day, until then I had not really been looking forward to creating, now something was different somehow.

I started at my desk in front of the window of rain with patterned paper, I chose purpley papers and made a mandala to remind me of the qualities of the tiny flower, with purple petal circles and a yellow centre. Then another which accidentally resembles a daffodil - a most excellent interpretation of a daffodil too I think .. of course if I had tried to do this, it would look nothing like a daffodil. I was drawn to the purple whirl paper I had been using and made another mandala which T says looks like a wasps nest - of course - wasps nests are beautiful.

I had lunch with Billy Joel and I was about to rush off into more creation .. my mind busy .. busy with ideas .. I went to get up and then decided to not do this, but instead, to sit a little more. I sat longer and let the stillness wash over Billy and I.

In the grey clouds passing my window, there is a gap, in the gap are pure white clouds and there behind them is a patch of blue - the sky is showing me it's true nature, beneath the layers of grey and white .. beautiful blue.

I lit candles.

It seems my project and my blog are inspiring many and this week, it is my turn to be inspired .. on Friday last, I spent some time with JW and she showed me some of her Zen Brushwork .. black ink on newspaper from the heart .. I want to have a go .. to date in my project, I have shied away from paint, mainly because it is the medium which scares me the most as it is the one I fear I have least control over and everything will be rubbish. So today, inspired by J, I got out the paints and the newspaper.

I began with a big black circle, not as lovely and round as J's had been .. I had attempted to use my body and paint from my heart, my brush is too small, my paint is too thick, it will not be .. I let it go.

I painted some other circley thing and my spirit was sinking, then I remembered that I printed from the web yesterday 'How To Make A Labyrinth', so yes, that is what I would do with my paint .. I remained on the newspaper.

I followed the directions and there before me was a labyrinth and no less, it looks like a labyrinth - how cool is that ..

:)

I tried to draw a smaller three-circuit labyrinth for which I have no instruction, it did not join up correctly and was no longer a labyrinth .. no matter, I painted around it and made it into something else ..

One thing which has amazed me throughout my project so far is my ability to let things go .. it has still not been my natural reaction and I have had to work with that which is to curse, be upset, cling on, 'try' harder and yearn for perfection next time around. And I am letting go of this reactivity and consequently not creating 'attachment' which is so prevalent in my life, I have to acknowledge this as a huge step forward .. now I need to move it into my 'real' life and not just save it for project days !!

I painted another labyrinth, this time bigger and decided to walk through it with my finger, I did this and thought it would be nice to lay mandalas as I walked.

How silent it is inside ... I spent ages, at least an hour, probably much more (I have no real concept of time on project days as it does not matter) just cutting out small (less than an inch in diameter) mandalas from my patterned paper offcuts. I counted them, there are exactly 100 (that's a bit scary !).

As I laid them throughout the labyrinth, I was reminded of the day I walked the 'life size' labyrinth which G made in our Tai Chi hall. It was the day before the very first Deepening meet and when G said she was doing it, I was intrigued. Jennifer Berezan's - ReTurning chant was playing and the hall was so quiet and peaceful, at first I was unsure but the labyrinth was so beautiful to behold, laden with flowers and petals, leaves and branches which were laid on the walls of salt. As I walked, it was about the journey, not about the end and I became peaceful inside and very emotional. At the centre there were Angel cards and strawberries and I can go there now in my mind as if it were happening right here, right now - how magical that is. Little did G or I know then what would become my Deepening project - that's pretty magical too .. maybe it showed itself to me that day.

I made a couple of other creations and T cooked mushroom stir-fry for tea.

Now I sit with my candles once more, the grey, grey sky and Jennifer Berezan sings 'Praises For The World', it's amazing what you hear when you really listen and it doesn't have to be loud, I always listen to my music too loud and there is no need.

There is moving wallpaper on a white garage wall as a garden floodlight shines through the trees blowing in the wind.

This is my favourite time of day, as light turns to dusk, street lamps come on, curtains are drawn and 'cosy time' begins. For me, candles illuminate the room, casting my shadow around me. I can't bring myself to close the blinds, as night draws in around and rain drops begin on the window pane. This music makes me very emotional and attachment rises up once more as I wish I could stay right here in this perfect moment of now .. forever and I know that is unrealistic. Anyway, I can in fact visit a moment very similar to this one whenever I want to .. within me .. all I have to do is allow it to be there and it is.

As I sit, darkness draws closer, the clouds move on, the music moves on, the world moves on ... and even though it feels like I don't, I acknowledge that I too move on ... to another moment of now. Ever forward to embrace the next tiger and return to mountain.

"Om Tara Tu Tare"

The darkness is finally here, it is all around me now, behind me, the shadows of my perfect world on the wall, in front of me, my perfect world ... there for the taking, as soon as I just let go ...

"Praises For The World"

"Tha-a-a-ank You .. Tha-a-a-ank You"

I laid out the labyrinth once more on the floor. I sat beside it with my tiny mandalas. I put 'Re-Turning' on the CD player, I came into my body. As the chant began, I let go into the labyrinth before me .. I placed each mandala step by step along the pathway .. each a sacred step .. at the centre I placed the wilted and yet still perfect tiny purple flower from this morning .. I placed a hand on my heart and cried .. thankful for the love in my life .. there every moment, if I could just let go ... ...

... ... one day, for sure, I will be able to let go ... ...

Leave A Tender Moment Alone

Last night, an elephant with fireworks in the wax and then, tired so tired, in bed by 8.30pm with Billy Joel on the stereo .. you know I have been listening to BJ since about 1980 and last night for the first time in that place just before sleep, I heard his music for the first time .. I heard instruments playing I never heard before, I heard cool drum beats I hadn't realised were there .. I just discovered a BJ I have been missing out on.

A Not Pizza Collage

Stand Up

Struggling as I am with the 'stuff' which has come up for me both today and yesterday .. I read R's letter again, the one which followed the last Deepening meet.

He finishes ;

'Be courageous, be kind, be commited to what you have said you would do, remember you are not alone, although in the end it is you that you have to stand in front of'

... ... ...

And So To Today .. I Am Blessed

I was awoken by a cup of tea appearing in my room, it was completely light another day had already begun.

I feel strange.

I recieved the most wonderful letter in the post this morning from MG. As all Deepeners are to recieve one, I will not reveal it's contents here, as I'm sure some are still winging their way through the postal system to the required destinations. Suffice it to say that there is something very special happening on this here Deepening.

Here's to 'the spirit of growth' and to 'love and inspiration'.

I have been touched in a way I did not ever imagine was possible, my heart warms every day, even when I am unable to acknowledge this movement.

I am blessed.

UNIVERSAL

And The Beat Goes On - Da Da Dum .. Da Da Dum - On Day 6

March 20th 2006

I woke this morning with a heavy chest after another cranial session for my RSI - hey, no pain in my arm though. The dog and I went out for our regular jaunt with the mandala project twist. There are so many yellow splashes around, as crocuses, daffodils and primroses burst into flower. On the wall beside the door of a grotty old council flat, was the tiniest conical pot and growing there completely in the moment, was an also tiny and perfect deciduous tree, I looked around and in an absence of green, there it was, loving every minute of it's green little life (OK, I lied, maybe I am a budding Alan Titchmarsh).

I was drawn completely out of any sort of moment as I became more and more aware of the amount of litter in the streets. I do notice it normally and today somehow, it seemed to be worse. I got really grumpy and found myself walking my mandala of being - 'Why do people do it ? Do they think it will just magically disappear ?' 'They don't think about it, that's their trouble' ... blah blah blah. Corbin thought it was great, first some white chocolate, then a Crunchie, some bread crusts, a chewy sweet and a piece of cake .. all of this I fished out of his mouth which didn't make him grumpy but it swallowed me up and very soon all the moments of the dog walk were gone. I had missed almost the entire thing, being grumpy and picking up litter. I did manage to catch glimpse of a flock of birds who took flight from a tree with Red Arrows precision.

I was irritated and sad. No way to embark on the first creation of the day.

I sat at my desk in the window to write my journal and two sparrows flew onto the guttering above me, I can just see their tails bobbing up and down, they are not drawn out of their centre by litter. A tiny ladybird (I'd bet probably THE tiniest in the world) has just landed on my book, I don't think he is well, he is stumbling backwards in a circle with his wings out, I'm guessing he's in the moment though !

I lit some candles and I still felt irritated. It's not very spring like today, it is overcast, windy and cold. I do not feel the usual joyous prospect of my impending creations.

I have two ideas and also a thought that so far, pretty much all of my creations have arisen from ideas, from a cognitive place and not in fact from an inner stillness. It doesn't feel wrong and it has it's place, however, I have worked 3 long days since my last project day and do not feel like I have been to a quiet, peaceful or still place in that time, so this morning, I am going to sit and allow the quiet to come. I have decided, no music, just a piece of paper before me and a simple circle, I have pens and pencils and I will see what arises from this irritation without pre-conception.

Something came to me which R has said many times and which he said again on the LT weekend. Who is it who sits ? The grumpy, irritable one who doesn't feel at home with the project today, is not going to allow it inside. The one who loves this project and what it offers more than life itself (right now) will allow nourishment.

So, I sat with both of these in my awareness, acknowledging that they are two parts of me and I can choose, I gradually let the irritated, litter obsessed one fall away as quiet enveloped me, I felt emotional.

When I opened my eyes, I saw an image on the paper .. I did not dream that could happen .. not to me .. and I cannot absolutely swear it did not come from a cognitive place .. maybe it still did .. that does not matter. It showed itself and I can't draw, I certainly can not draw a hand, which is what I was being offered .. so I placed my open palm on the paper and traced around it, it looked good, then colours chose me and the circle came alive as did the open palm and in the centre came an energy, it stayed simple and there was something missing, a link from the palm holding the energy to the outside world .. little lightning bolts were added from the fingertips to the edge of the circle.

WOW, did I do that ..

I called it UNIVERSAL .. and for me it symbolises my energy joining with the UNIVERSE (funnily enough !). I like it so much, I put it in a frame .. although, I may give it away.

I continued throughout the day to create many others mandalas, I tried a collage as someone on the LT suggested I might - T says it looks like a pizza. As I am not a saint, the irritable one did return with avengence and there were really no more of note until, I used another cognitive idea to create a mandala similar to my favourite last week, the spiral of words. Writing in this way held a certain 'I don't know' for me .. it centred me for sure and I almost became one with the words.

It seemed like a good idea at the time to make a larger one containing the story of my life from birth to present day - I already have this on a timeline which I did for another reason and so, I would just transcribe the words into circular form. It also felt like this would be cathartic and I planned to burn it at the end, to rid myself of 'bad' things in my past.

What in fact happened was, I got drawn into the words big time and saw that I was an awful person in the past, who did lots of bad things and hurt people. I could not let go of the 'bad' feeling it introduced.

I was already uncentred and then began spinning out of control into the dishwasher fiasco, which T until now had been holding .. I sat in my chair with a straight spine (resenting the interruption on my project day) to talk with call dispatch, I spoke to the Supervisor, he was sorry for the unsatisfactory service to date and agreed to deliver tonight. I was shaking and I had stayed calm and achieved what I wanted. Uncentred again, the dishwasher was delivered and T was intent on installing it whilst cooking tea and I had to let go of my project again for an hour or so while we did this .. everything remained calm though and the dishwasher works .. so the nightmare is over .. food is consumed and I return to my room, haunted by the now completed 'life' mandala and all it's pain.

I had a Martini and lemonade .. don't think me an alcoholic .. but when needs must !!

I decided, to bed early, I would listen to some music .. Lionel Richie fell out of the rack, so 'Deep River Woman' it was .. I put on my lava lamp and soon an owl appeared sitting on a cloud which was held up by a crouching athlete with no head and a VERY long neck .. behind him, a dragon (not fierce).

Can I let go of my life before ?

It was a restless night and I had a bad dream, which I know came from within that mandala. I have not yet burnt it, I will .. it just is not time yet.

Inner Treasure - Mandala Of The Day

Here It Comes Again - Day 5

March 16th 2006

On our walk today, the dog and I whilst in the moment saw a funny hedge of normalness with a stupid looking ball of hedge a little way along, it looked completely wrong, but hey, I ain't no Alan Titchmarsh !! We saw a beautiful moon and star mobile in the upstairs window of a house we passed. There was a pumpkin flowerpot containing a birds nest, possibly once a plant ! I have walked past these houses before and not noticed these things. At the top of the hill on the home straight, I was marvelling at the amount of life there is to enjoy when in the moment, trees, flowers, even brambles blowing in the breeze.

I went to my room, lit some candles and began my creation, since sending out my stars last week, I have recieved many heartfelt thank yous and have been very touched in return, I want to mark this as otherwise, there is the possibility that the words will pass me by and I want to start to allow them in. I made a mandala with beautiful gold wrapping paper from my birthday and these words and sat with it a while, reading what people have said again, some of them are really moving and not at all what I expected when I sent the stars. I sprinkled it with sunflower petals. I have come to know some truly beautiful people during my Tai Chi journey and Poulstone experiences. When I write this, I acknowledge that other people consider me beautiful too and this still seems rediculous to me, I hope one day this will not seem so rediculous, as I would like to be beautiful.

Inspired by something said at therapy yesterday, I created an AND and a BUT mandala, today these mandalas were what AND and BUT represented for me.

Four of my candles seem to have joined themselves together and that's ok, they have run all over my desk and that's ok too. There are two pigeons kissing on the aerial opposite, but a think the chav has spotted my voyeurism and has departed.

After lunch, I made two mandalas which are my favourite so far, one was inspired by a story about a beggar in 'The Power Of Now' and is a outline of me (?) and my body is filled with golden pathways .. it symbolises inner treasure. The other came out of a mandala meditation in my 365 Tao book, it said that 'Our daily activities are our mandala' and it became and spiral of words describing my day and swirling colourfully out from the centre (the beginning of my day). On the downside, it made me dizzy writing round and round in a circle, on the upside, how could I possibly have chosen a more perfect project.

I re-visited the first mandala of the day and sat again with those words which touch me and are for me and about me ..

I felt the need to sit as I seem to have been 'busy' all day .. I found it hard to sit and let my mind be quiet, so I sat instead and did some self massage, first my head and neck, my face and then my hands.

I took nourishment in half a cabbage for tea !!! (I'm sure T thinks he's cooking veg for five thousand). And then to Bailey and his Irish Cream .. another successful mandala day.

Right now, for sure, things are looking up .. up .. up ...

The Living Transformation

Blimey did I make a weekend of it !!!

I got to Poulstone and started to panic .. everyone seemed to know each other, I hardly knew anyone .. the group was a massive 28 people and we only just fit into the BIG room ! I began to think 'I am a Deepener and I don't belong here', had I bitten off more than I could chew, was I being greedy and way too ambitious ?

Anyway, I lay awake all night planning my escape .. my car was blocked in and I was accompanied on my journey by L and O, so escape would not be easy. On Saturday morning, I took some space for myself to hold my feelings of panic which remained .. and started to relax into the knowing that R had said 'Suck it and see' and there was the freedom to not attend the rest of the meets. During Saturday, I relaxed further into the goings on and by the end of Saturday, I no longer felt the need to escape .. I would just call it a day at the end of Monday.

Sunday came and I had slept much better, I opened the curtains and WOW ! snow was covering Poulstone and it was still snowing, this was not just a bit of snow, this was lots of fluffy white snow and it was maybe 3 or 4 inches deep. R gave us more time before the first session to play and play we did, myself and a few others made a huge snowman on the front lawn. I left them to make snow rabbits ! and went to be on my own.

I trod a mandala on the side lawn, a big circle filled with bubbles, I would've liked to have taken a picture and did not have my camera, other people had cameras and I decided it would be of more use to me to allow it to go. I sat on the landing looking down on it as the snow continued to snow .. Impermanence, I let it go.

By early evening, all the snow was gone, just like that, it had been and it had been beautiful and now it was gone.

By Sunday evening, I was really allowing the LT in and I was enjoying myself, I had let go and sitting in the lounge a small group of us were laughing, laughing so much we were crying. This is something I so rarely do and it was so great, to let go and to laugh.

Of course by the end of Monday, I was in a much better place, I had let it in and now as usual did not want to leave and go home !!

It was such a huge learning experience and in a funny kind of way, it was really useful for me to be at Poulstone and not want to be at Poulstone .. I had planned on the LT enhancing the Deepening experience for me, I went through a stage of worrying it might diminish the Deepening and now I know it will enhance it for sure.

We did quite a lot with the 'Mandala Of Being' which R introduced to us at the last Deepening meet and I saw so clearly when I walked the mandala that, if I stand right in this moment of now, I can be a Deepener AND I can be on the Living Transformation.

I feel so great to have come through this, learned so much and allowed nourishment. I'm really proud.

And It's Not Even Bedtime ..

P read me the most wonderful bedtime story ..

Birthdie

Today is my 35 years of birthday and in the lava lamp tonight, there are balloons on a string - no seriously !




A called to say hello and I think he remembered - I love him dearly anyway !

I gave R a 'bad' lesson in star making, he started off interested !!

E sent me the most amazing flowers, she said she thought they were quite mandala like ..

T cooked my favourite tea - egg fried rice with sweet 'n' sour stir fried veg ..

B's radiator burst all over the house and she was grumpy when I called to thank her for my card ..

Had an email from SE, I haven't heard from him in ages, he wished me a happy birthday.

M person was watching Hotel Babylon when I called, she had to go, she didn't want to miss it but she is glad I had a nice birthday !!

My Life Work

I feel right now like my whole life is a mandala project. Today I have written to each Deepener and enclosed a star from my mandala. There are mandalas everywhere I look.

Wow .. Guess What ..

I just looked up rainbows in my 'Creating Mandalas' book. I was reading through the rainbow section, none of it was grabbing my attention and then .. wait for it ..

'Carl Jung suggests that the appearance of rainbow colours in mandalas is related to wholeness, the goal of individuation'

.. rock on ..

A Rainbow Of Stars

Stars .. Stars And Even More Stars

Blimey .. Don't It Come Round Quick - Day 4

March 6th 2006

On our walk today, Corbin was on the lookout for the odd sneaky 'BabyBel' which might be hidden under a bush, around a lamppost or inside a gate. I was in the moment and realised how much nature there is around me even in such a built up area. I decided to count and take note of every tree I passed if it was growing in the street. I counted 69 trees just on the stretch of Fishponds Road I walked, I was shocked, imagine how many times the dog and I have walked past all those 69 trees and never 'really' noticed them.

Some of them are quite huge. There is one with hair like Sideshow Bob and another whose bark is swirling, twisting around the trunk. Even without leaves some of them are magnificent to behold. In the moment as I was, not really taking too much notice of the dog, he got bored and went into the newagents to get a paper. We had a miniature barn dance with an old guy in an electric wheelchair (those things should have limiters !).

It was a glorious day, brilliant sun and blue skies.

We found a mandala in St Mathias Junior School, it used to have a tree in the middle, now just a stump .. such a shame. Also there was a haphazard mandala of tiny purple crocuses in a cottage garden along the way.

I had stopped counting trees by the time we reached Thicket Avenue and Corbin was glad because he had read all the interesting bits in the paper and there must be at least 200 trees on this road.

Courtesy of a work colleague who yesterday showed me how, today is a paper star day. I sat at my desk in front of the window with Robert Miles on the CD player, candles burning and the sun on my face. The birds chirping merrily (there was a great tit trying to have a bath, he was chased off by bigger bully sparrows, he had to make do with a shower as they flicked water on him). I began to make paper stars and found it very calming.

Some of my stars are perfect and some of them leave a lot to be desired.

I sat in the sun to have my lunch there was a large run of cloud passing by, it looked like an avalanche of pure snow from a mountain top. How beautiful the sky is.

I intend to send a star to each Deepener. I made several mandalas with the stars, then I named them, one for each Deepener and decided to sit and meditate with each one. I put on my Ambient Meditations CD and sat with the first star on my crossed ankles and the Deepener in my awareness, I did this for each star in turn and then for the last two tracks of the CD, I sat with all the stars together including my own. The CD finished and I was so calm, centred and still inside. I sat for a while longer, the world carrying on outside, the trees blowing in the breeze, the birds twittering, the traffic on the Causeway, the clouds continually rolling by, the water flowing through the downpipe, the sun beating down on everything. Maybe this is what life is about ?

I seem to have currently some kind of attraction to rainbows and the colour black, I sat to draw a larger than A4 circle of rainbow, in it I drew hills holding the sun and a path leading into the hills towards the sun, my journey toward the light ?

I laid all the stars around the mandala, making another mandala ..

I cooked dinner, individual vegetable mandalas with fresh basil (mmmmm fresh basil) served on pasta. Afterwards, my project day treat, a sherbert fountain .. a mandala of sherbert and a liquorice stick (not really a mandala no matter which way you look at it, hey but so what, who cares - and it's all down the front of my dark blue top !).

The Games We Play

On my way back from Fishponds earlier, I was absolutely in the moment, enough to walk along a thin, raised white line marking the edge of the cycle lane. I balanced all the way up the hill and round the corner, walking like I was 150ft in the air, becoming one with the white line. The guy and his dog coming in the opposite direction looked at me like I was crazy .. maybe it was my silly hat, or maybe I am crazy .. either way, that's OK.

Unconditional Love

This morning, I ventured out into the throng .. I don't normally go out on a weekend (except to work) because it seems everyone else in the world goes out on a weekend and it scares me.

Today, however, there is an emergency, I need a dishwasher as mine finally gave up the ghost this week after months of whinging and whining every wash and life is way too short for washing up. I have found one on the internet, however, a 'real' shop might have one for me to collect right in this moment of now .. who am I trying to kid ? They didn't have one, so I'm turning as always to the introverted world of the internet, full of dreams and wonder, oh and dishwashers.

Yesterday, I was talking with a Deepener about unconditional love and during my earlier quest, my opportunity was right there, in Focus !

I was in the queue (of three) and there was a nice enough at first glance man in front of me, he turned to me and said 'Why are you wearing that silly hat ?', I did not flinch, instead, I stood there to be seen and said, 'What's wrong with it, I like my hat', he replied 'Sorry, yes, it's a lovely hat' .. I could've punched his lights out and that wouldn't have been very Tai Chi and actually what he said did not move me, after all he is the one with cold ears. He turned to go and I sincerely wished him a very nice day .. I don't think he heard me.

Stuff The Foam !

Tonight, there is nothing at all doing in work, I hate it when there is nothing to do. There was some foam on my desk and I saw potential for a 'foam' mandala, I cut the foam into strips and laid the strips on top of each other in a kind of star, with a needle and cotton, I sewed the strips together up the middle, however, when I scrunched up the foam by pulling the cotton taught (to make a round(ish) shape) the cotton pulled through the foam, after the third attempt, I let it go. The foam mandala was not to be.

How great is that ? I only tried three times and then let it go ...

I Am My Teacher

I have been contemplating, who is my teacher ?

On Saturday, R asked for hands from people in G's practice group, I put up my hand, knowing that really this was not my truth. Then he asked for hands from A's group and I didn't raise my hand, after all it would seem odd to be part of both groups when no-one else is and I had already said I was in the practice group.

In my heart, I do not feel part of the practice group (and as I have not been since before the Deepening meet, really, I am not). I do wholly feel part of A's group and yet, in the moment, I felt I 'should' be part of the practice group (even though I thought I had let go of this a few weeks ago).

My therapist asked me, how would I have felt if R had said he was going to teach A's group ? It's a mean question and it would have been awful.

I'm not completely sure why this time, I did not stand up in my own truth.


I've struggled throughout with the practice group thing.

Initially when G announced her sabatical intention, I was happy for G, full of respect and admiration for her scary and potentially life changing decision. At the same time, I was thrown into turmoil about what this would mean to me and my Tai Chi, other people did not seem so disturbed.

R told me this was the greatest gift G could give.

In September, G left to set foot on her journey. I thought I would and I did not in fact feel sad.

I started to attend the practice group and at first it was OK, in fact it was better than the few sessions we had in a kind of practice group while G was still around. After a couple of sessions, I was actually thinking, this is working out and isn't so bad. Then things changed for me and several demons raised their heads at the sessions and I began to find it very difficult to go, however, being who I am, I did continue to go .. it was a struggle. I talked to R who was very helpful and while using the principles, I started to ask myself each week (with heart), do I really want to go to Tai Chi, if the answer was yes, then I would ask myself (with heart), can I face my demons today, if the answer was still yes, then I would go, if it was no, I would not. However, even this became a struggle as I battled with myself constantly, on one occasion, I found myself half way to Tai Chi and I had to turn around and go home.

I thought a lot about what was going on and about the huge potential for learning here. I saw that I was being double weighted, the practice group was not nourishing me and yet I felt, I had to go, to fly the flag for G (as an ex-assistant) and not to let the side down .. I had to keep on keeping on, as I do. Once I saw I was double weighted, I made the decision to not go anymore, to let go of all this anguish. Life is tough enough and while I acknowledge there are demons I could face up to, deal with and learn from, it's not time to do that, too many other things are happening in my life to deal with another.

G's gift to me had been to allow me to join A's group, a complete beginners class, where I have been able to completely let go into Tai Chi. I know G would not expect me to fly the flag, so I made the decision to not go and consequently became single weighted.

I told R, he said 'Great ..'

In The Wax Tonight ..

ET with a pile of stones at the base of the beanstalk !

A Face In The Clouds - Black Rainbow Quarters

Is All You Need

Sometimes A Fantasy

N-ice Mandala

And On Day 3 - March 2006

March 1st 2006


Today, the dog and I embarked on another project walk, on a mission to deliver some CDs. The sky was blue with a few fluffy white clouds passing through. We came upon a red carnation, still perfect despite being in the middle of the path .. we decided to leave it for other 'in the moment' passers by to enjoy. Corbin was not really too interested in the flower, much more engaging was the 'BabyBel' he found, his reflex action needs more practice however, as I am quicker, he was reminded of this as his jaws slammed shut on themselves and not the 'BabyBel' he was expecting. We dropped the CDs off, P was not home and Corbin seemed determined to sit down on the step and wait, I told him, it would probably be a while .. he decided breakfast was more important than waiting for P who he agreed, could be a while.

When we got back, I broke up the ice in the bird bath so they would be able to drink, I was surprised how thick the ice was, it did not seem that cold. I looked at the bits of ice I had thrown on the garden and saw a mandala, I rescued the pieces and made them back into a circle on the patio, at that moment, the first mandala idea of the day came into my head, I would paint the ice.

I put the pieces of ice into a big pasta bowl and proceeded to paint all the sections different colours, Corbin wanted to help, his idea of help was to eat the end of the paintbrush .. whose project is this anyway ? Two sparrows flew down beside me to inspect my work, or possibly just to collect nest material.

When I finished, I moved my ice mandala into the now glorious sun to melt away - more impermanence, which is getting easier to allow - this time, I was looking forward to what it might become.

My ice painting completed, I came to my room .. today I do not feel as good about things as I have the last two weeks and consequently, did not drop into my day as easily as before. Although I did make lots of mandalas, it just doesn't feel as rewarding today.

It was mainly a black paper day, I made a bubble wrap mandala, a dotty one and lots of other 'stuff', most of which I don't really like.

I had been listening to lots of music and ignoring the part of me saying I need to step out and be quiet. Maybe this would make me feel better .. I put on a Tibetan Incantation and sat to meditate, the day had closed in by now and my room felt dingy, during my meditation, many thoughts passed through, I tried to come back to my breath, to be there on the out breath, until the bottom, to be there on the in breath, until the top .. I could never have had a big enough pile of stones ! Many, many thoughts, too many thoughts.

I decided to contemplate some of my creations, I held them in my awareness and approached my breath again. The same thing ..

It didn't make me feel better .. I could've let it in and I didn't ..

This never fails to confuse me. I want it so much and yet, I turn away .. probably when I need it most.

It's always easier when I'm in a better place .. I'd like it to be somewhere I could go when I'm not in a good place, for it to take me there, so far, that hasn't happened.

I took a long, hot shower.

Tonight is Tai Chi .. I went to Tai Chi, it was a great lesson (as it is mostly). We talked about R's session on Saturday and then worked on some basic stepping and other things which came out of the discussion.

I felt calmer following Tai Chi.

Today, doesn't feel as successful by any means .. is that because from the place I find myself in, I did not fully allow this week ?