Continuation

Very apt, is the New Years Eve reading from my 365 Tao book (Deng Ming-Dao);

'Upon completion comes fulfillment
With fulfillment comes liberation
Liberation allows you to go on
Even death is not a true ending
Life is infinate continuation'

and further it says ;

'With each turn of the wheel you free yourself from the mire of ignorance. Turn the wheel of your life. Make complete revolutions. Celebrate every turning and persevere with joy.'

And did I not say this (almost) in my early reflection ?

Happy Noo Years

And so, here I find myself, sitting on the edge of 2007, another year passed, a very tumultuous year.

So many wonderful things have touched me as I have lived my Tai Chi through the Deepening. In just 19 days from now, the Deepening in it’s outer form will come to an end and indeed so will my project in it’s current form. At the beginning of the Deepening, I could not have even contemplated the end of the Deepening and now when I do, there is a huge sadness in my heart. However, because of the Deepening, there is also so much joy in my heart which was not there before. Although, I feel like the Deepening has been too short, I just start to feel huge changes beginning and now it has to end .. too soon (I remember laughing about this with A, saying, if it had only run for another 10 years ! 20 maybe !!) I acknowledge that I have the tools now and I can go onward living with them in my life as I have started to do already and no matter how long, the Deepening would not have been long enough right ?!

Is it a different me who sits here to reflect on 2006 than the me who sat at the end of 2005 looking forward to the approaching project and another growth year ? Of course .. every new moment .. a new me ..

In the last year, I have stood with fear enough to loosen it’s vice like grip. I have the awareness now that I am repeating old patterns over and over in my life because of fear and what might happen if …. I have come a long way in separating my energy from others and individuating and actually, nothing bad happened !

I am starting to have the feeling a lot recently that life is so precious .. rather than ‘what if I do’ .. every now and then, I think ‘what if I don’t’ .. and that is a huge change which is only just beginning.

Outside the window, it is raining and the world is grey as dusk falls, in the distance the huge wheel of light revolves in Castle Park as it has for many weeks now, turning and turning like the world, like my world.

I am finding it hard to reflect on my year, when I can think only of the end of the Deepening which looms large. So to the joy of the Deepening throughout this year, my wonderful friends who know me like no-one ever knew me before and possibly like no-one will ever know me again .. I feel like we have shared such a special journey, tears of sadness and tears of joy ..

This year has been very important for me in many ways, not least because I found out that I am creative and I can feel passion, enthusiasm and joy.

I can allow others to hold me (sometimes) when I cannot hold myself and to know that although often I am ‘reaching out with nothing to give’ that’s ok when others are more resourced than myself.

Hey, I almost forgot, I passed my motorbike test (come on !)

I made it through an almost fire in the Computer Room, many panic attacks and many more bad dreams.

I have laid my hand on my heart in thankfulness more times this year than in my whole life up to now. I have seen the seasons change through Winter – Spring – Summer – Autumn and finally to Winter once more. I have seen flowers (and a bean) flourish and wither. I have seen the beautiful sky moving through. I have spent time with a tiny star, a glorious sun and a cloud covered gossamer moon.

I am more content in my work then ever before (with this current employer) and I have more quiet and peace in my life than I ever imagined was possible. Not that I overly watched TV before, but this last year, I have felt the need less and less to distract myself in that way, taking more pleasure in what is outside the window, or inside my heart.

All these things have happened when actually, outwardly, things are much the same as they were one year ago and I celebrate that.

In this moment, I am thankful for another year of health and support from J, L, G and R and all of my true friends and of coming to know the greatest friend I ever could have – me. I look forward to another year of growth, beginners mind, Deepening further and further and further, following the week of January 13th – 19th when we are going to have just the best time ever.

Goodbye 2006 and thank you .. Bring on 2007

SH December 31st 2006

The Truth Stands Up By Itself

.. so today, I finally watch my form and it's ok ..

I light candles and I sit to ask again

What has changed ?
What happens in me as I watch ?
Who is it who sits this time ?
Who am I seeing compared with the first time ?


Last time - I had to stop twice during the filming and start again - this time I carried on even though the moves were 'wrong'

Last time I was in my head - this time I was in my head

I’m still rushing – and it is no where near as much, it’s fast and no where near as fast as last time. The time it takes to play the form is more this time than last time and this time I missed a whole chunk out.

I have a much shorter step, maybe not always natural but so much closer - a big difference and that makes me feel good.

I notice, the way I do some of the postures has changed and they are better - iron fan -kick with heel. I can not decide whether my right hand is more ‘embodied’ in single whip etc. I think it is, but am not really sure.

My arms are rounder and there is more fluidity - I see me flow into press and push and ebb back out.

There are still places where I don't take empty steps, but I still have body as one unit and still drive from my waist.

I'm still holding in my shoulders and I can’t really see that this is any less, it looks the same.

It looks sloppy to me .. I give up as I realise I am the wrong way round.

While I am watching, I get lost in thought, I want it to hurry up and be over so that I can do something less challenging instead ?

I'm playing the form with my mind .. I'm watching with my mind .. I straighten my spine and I try to watch with my heart .. I try to feel the form .. .. .. I cannot .. .. .. even though I feel so much more heart these days, I still cannot be here with heart, even after all this.

I wanted it to be different .. my initial reaction on the day and then for a long while after when I was angry and hadn't even watched it yet .. was that it isn't different .. it doesn't reflect my Deepening journey .. now many weeks later .. after being with this and softening to what has happened in me .. it is different (IT IS DIFFERENT) than the first time .. there are things to celebrate (THERE ARE THINGS TO CELEBRATE) and there are things to meet with compassion .. it is different .. I am different .. and .. of course it reflects my Deepening journey ..

.. which approaches it's end and fills me with fear all over again ..

I Paint And I Paint On Project Day 45

December 28th 2006

And so with just 3 days left to go, I get up to take the dog out and after a while, I remember it's project day .. here we go round again .. I don't want to be walking today (which is crazy as it is the most glorious day, the sun is shining for the first time in a while and it is very mild) and I take the short route. I get back and T is very obviously grumpy with me .. there is an altercation about the stupidest thing, another day, another way, he wouldn't be so unreasonable, today he is grumpy and so it's all a big deal. I feel really small and am aware that I also feel unworthy .. actually, standing up in myself right now, I am worthy (?).

I hang up the washing and I come to my room. I notice, I am feeling hard done by and angry and sad .. blah blah blah .. I'm bored of myself ..

I sit at my desk in front of the window (I haven't done so for ages and I've missed it). I open the window .. the glorious sun beams down , the traffic is quite quiet and there is a very pleasant breeze. I start to write my journal in rainbow colours and I am back. I'm right here still, on my project day and I'm back.

T is grumpy at me for simply being me and that does what it does to me - still ..

I kind of feel like I only got the paints out today to use them up because otherwise they will be hanging around at the end of all this !! and despite myself yet again, I let go into what I'm doing and boom .. boom .. boom .. some great mandalas ..

I sit at my window with my candles and I continue to create mandalas, when I started today, my mind was thinking, thinking too much and as usual now, as the day has gone on, the thoughts have stopped and I just am .. how could I possibly have not wanted it to be project day ??

My candles remain as the day fades away into dusk, there is a beautiful sky as the sun makes way for the (half) moon .. the window is open until it is cold .. the weather has truly been gorgeous today, not wintery at all .. and now, as I update my weblog, I listen to Kid Rock and read another meditation from my '365 Tao' book ;

'No matter how much we strain and how wide we wander, we all need some lodestone, some centre from which to operate. For some of us, this is a place, a home. For others, it is merely withdrawal into our own hearts.'

'One gradually peels back the layers and makes one's way back to the unsullied, pure inner person.'

(Deng Ming-Dao)

I start to read through my project journal from the beginning, thinking about my project presentation, I don't really need to do this, my journey is in my heart and I love that it is .. I never thought that could happen either ..

.. I read and I read and I read some more and suddenly, it's almost midnight ..

Ending

'A shadow edge is never on the edge
The time to contemplate the ending is before the ending'


There will be an ending and there will be a new beginning.
That is Tao.
We cannot do without limits and endings.
They bring definition to our endeavors.
If we are to use them to our advantage, we have to plan how to meet them.

(from 365 Tao Daily Meditations - Deng Ming-Dao)

It's Project Day Tomorrow ..

.. and I can't help feeling the end, so close now .. there are just three more project days left including tomorrow and suddenly, I don't want to do this anymore .. for the first time in the whole year since I started this amazing project journey ..

("Note to Self" this has been an amazing project journey and absolutely without question that is true)

.. I don't want it to be project day tomorrow .. I don't want it ever to be project day again ..

.. AND ..

.. I WILL NOT LET THE FEARFUL PART OF ME DESTROY WHAT I HAVE FOUND ..

.. someone tell me I can do this .. tell me I can make it through the end of the Deepening and the end of my project in it's current form because right now .. I can't ..

.. why does the best thing that ever happened to me have to end ?

It's Xmas Day

After a restless night worrying about whether I switched the halon over to auto or not and several bad dreams, I get up early, T asks did I fall out of bed .. the dog has already been out and so, I go for a walk on my own .. like I did last year ..

.. as soon as I step outside the back door (and this is not an exaggeration) I notice that the noise level is virtually nil, scary that it is so noticeable. I walk out onto the Causeway where every now and then there is the odd car and mainly it is empty .. it's so weird like this and so quiet and it only happens so briefly ..

I walk down to Fishponds Road, totally pre-occupied by this guy who is walking behind me, he has his hoodie up and I immediately have him down as an evil dooer and so I feel afraid .. he seemed (in hindsight) simply to be going the same way as me (!) .. there are a couple of other guys also walking on their own and I feel the fear rise up some more .. consequently, I don't really let go into my walk .. fuck .. why do I still do this to myself .. there is (generally) nothing at all to fear and I miss out because of fear (AGAIN) .. will I ever stop .. ?

I get to the bridge over the cycle track and I want to stop and just take a moment, since I really haven't at all so far .. and as I stop, some guy comes around the corner and it is back all over again .. on the one hand, I love and crave the quiet and on the other, I'm scared because there are so few folk around .. it makes me crazy .. the guy walks on past, he is at least 70 !

I take the moment on the bridge looking down at the cycle track which disappears into the distance (thinking that the path looks so very long, like it never stops - funny that) .. except I don't really take the moment at all because I'm beating myself for not giving myself the walk and not allowing myself to truly be with the quiet, on the only day of the year when it's like it ..





I make my way home feeling like it was all just a waste of time .. I walk in the back gate and I hear a bird chirping, I look around and there he is up in the tree, a tiny blue tit and he's singing his heart out .. maybe it wasn't a waste of time after all ?

I go on with my day ..

Be Mindful

Walk slowly
Don't rush
Each step brings you
to the best moment
of your life
the present moment

N Kirsten

Heart

.. these days, I feel more heart than I ever could have imagined was possible ..
.. and I celebrate that too ..

We Are Project Partners You Know

.. L is kind to my back and then I spend a very nice wee while with P .. and after, feeling much more like doing so .. I sit to engage with the evening .. it is misty and very still again .. I sit and sit and my mood does not fail .. I put a hand on my heart and give thanks for sharing and for love and I celebrate 'the beauty of MY life' .. in this moment and every moment .. and I reflect that this is what happens when I love and am loved ..

Calendar To Present

  

This And That

  

The Shortest Day 44

December 21st 2006

Feeling a bit disappointed today that the mist of yesterday is gone, the dog and I walk out to The Magic Numbers and Andy Abraham .. not in the moment at all .. still annoyed at Corbin's gannett ways.

I decide today will be the day that I will stand in front of my form and write R with what I see. I read his recent letter before I do this. He says so many important things that it is hard to hear all of them, let alone remember them. There is one in the letter which touches me again ..

"Self protection would like you to believe the story that you tell yourself, but remember, the truth stands up by itself, so our job is to let go"

.. and I realise that I am starting to do this ..

What has changed ?
What happens in me as I watch ?
Who is it now sitting here ?
Who am I seeing compared with the first time ?

And so, I am ready to watch and feeling ok about doing so, then the Riverford driver knocks on the door and I take in the veg, put it away and T comes home, I can't do this while he is around, so I let go of it for now.

I come upstairs to paint again. Today, BIG mandalas .. one inspired by J's card

'May all beings be peaceful'
'May all beings be happy'
'May all beings be free'

followed by some BIG coloured circle thing .. bleh ..

There is cauliflower cheese for lunch and then another hand/heart mandala with paints on mirrored card (it dries and is awesome), followed by a pink paint and blue glitter mandala (it dries and is sandpaper - pretty sandpaper !)

I decide to make a 2007 calendar, so I sit on the floor in my room and embark on what turns out to be a very fulfilling creation. It maybe a bit corny, but I like it nevertheless. Dusk falls outside and although I look up at the window and note that this is happening, I am fully in what I am doing and so choose not to engage with it today and that feels ok.

Eventually, around 5.15pm I give in to the increasing pain in my lower back and the pull of the evening's beauty and I come downstairs, just to sit and to be. I open the blinds, it is already dark and a little misty .. tonight, there is no wind at all and it is not raining .. everything is still .. it is grey and cloudy .. as I sit and I sit, I feel my mood starting to fail .. I disengage with the garden and the beauty of the night (the beauty of life ?) and am conscious of making this choice .. conscious of becoming caught in my shit .. and I don't get it all over again ? why do I do this over and over.

I celebrate that I've had a good project day so far in terms of creation and although I do feel maybe I have managed again to run away from my form (T has been absent again since lunch and I have had plenty of time in fact to do it and I haven't) I have chosen to remain with my calendar instead. Also I celebrate that initially, I did let in the night and it did touch me.

After tea, I clear up my room so that I can work from my desk instead of the floor and be kind to my aching back. I finish my calendar and am in bed by 9.30pm.

There has been no music during the day and I seem to have achieved a lot - even if the 'perfect' moments were only brief, they were there.

Three project days left and then 'That's All Folks' it's playing on my mind .. ..

It's Back

There is mist shrouding the world once more, a beautiful mist .. there is absolutely no wind at all and everything looks completely tranquil and still .. and it's very cold ..

It Just Touches Me So Completely

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night
You took your life, as lovers often do
But I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you

Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless head on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget
Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in the ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will ...

Lyrics By Don McLean

The Sun Was On My Face

.. before the Deepening, I doubt whether I would have noticed .. I had been into town to get my lunch and was on my way back to work .. the sky was blue .. it was mild .. there was beautiful music in my ears and I closed my eyes as I walked under the trees with the glorious sun on my face, I celebrated the moment .. another sacred moment ..

.. and then I was warmed through while sharing with L 'moving on .. and on' I was truly touched and honoured .. there was pizza (am I homeless ? or a princess ?) it was 10.20pm and there were Revels and finally .. the car wouldn't go .. eventually .. it did !

Mandalas Of The Day

I painted this one the other way and while walking around it as it was drying, it speaks to me so much more this way up. It shows me a tunnel heading in the direction of a hazy but not completely black future. There is light flooding beneath towards me.

The Music Of The Night On Day 43

December 15th 2006

Whilst brushing my teeth this morning, I had a feeling that I would really like to celebrate this project day (as after today, there are only 4 left). It is drab and grey, but not cold. The dog and I go out as usual, hardly in the moment. I laugh to myself at the end of Forest Road at the comic Xmas message in the window !














There is a man on a bike all dressed in blue tinsel (the bike not the man). There are many Xmas trees, lights and decorations which generally make me sad. I get home and am angry with the dog because he constantly scavanges and because of the amount of rubbish in the streets it is almost impossible to stop him eating things he shouldn't. I really do not want him to be as ill as he has just been again anytime soon.

T has gone out somewhere. I sit with a cup of tea feeling quite down - so much for celebrating my project day .. I feel like right here, I can choose dark or light and I feel like I want to choose the dark - why do I prefer it to choosing to live ? maybe I will never know the answer to that.

I come to my room and get out the paints which I haven't used in a while. I make a mandala of black and yellow, my choices - black (dark) yellow (light) .. then I drip red paint (blood ?) onto it and I tilt the page around so it all runs. Then I splatter paint a blue and green mandala and I smear the paints around in a spiral from the centre. I put the mandalas down and return downstairs to play 'loud' music .. I sing with Josh Groban passionately from deep within me. My voice resonates through my body like the chanting the other night and I realise that in spite of myseld, I have emerged into the light instead of falling further into the dark. I light a candle and put on the Offering Chant followed by Pachelbel's Canon In D and let go into my tears as I allow myself to be deeply touched.

I take a very indulgent shower, I alight and have been 20 minutes ! I mosey along to my massage and tell L I feel ok, 'quite chirpilly ok'. There is a new mix of Pine, Cedar and Orange as I ask her to work with my legs for the first time following my recent knee (hip/ankles ?) awareness at Tai Chi. My lower back is tight (as usual) and she finds part of my thigh muscle is also quite rigid. L says that metaphysically, holding in the hips can be associated with a reluctance to move forward in life .. this makes me feel really, really sad .. am I really moving on at all ? L is encouraging without wiping out what I say, it feels like she meets me in a place where most others will not and I am thankful for her in my life again. I wander home feeling very sad, I snuggle down into my fleece jacket, as it is much colder .. it is not quite dusk.

I get home and T is still not back. I re-light my candle and sit by the window to be with the dusk as it begins to shroud my world which can be beautiful every moment if I allow it to be. Dusk falls and turns to evening and I remain sitting quietly at the window, with my candle looking out at the darkening skies and the Buddliea dancing on the wind. I get lost for a while in regret that I am currently still not where I would like to be.

T returns and says (genuinely) he is sorry to interrupt and that he is going back out soon. We eat tea and he goes out again.

I sit on the floor again, this time with a spiral of tealights and I open the blinds to engage with the night. The sky is cloudy and light polluted, it is windy and the garden looks peaceful. A tiny hedgehog comes to snuffle round the patio and then waddles off down the garden.

I paint another mandala .. I can't really see too well and it turns out to be very dark and bleh .. I listen to much music as I sit and sit .. completely silent and right on the edge of that beautiful place. Fear rises up at the dark outside the window and I could close the blinds and buy into the fear, I don't want to close the blinds .. I sit to allow the fear and the blinds remain open .. the fear passes and the garden is not scary anymore.

Starry, Starry Night and Canon In D again, followed over and over by the Offering Chant which gives to me the most powerful love as always. I find the whole of my being rocked by the keyboard solo over and over again. I turn my face towards the candles .. it and my body are bathed in the golden light.

I feel very, very soft and very, very mellow and I have let go completely as I am held by the music .. I reflect, I am caught again and still lost .. am I choosing to not move my life on ? will I ever choose to change it ? any of it ? Even in this soft and sad place, I cognitively know that I have come far and yet right now in this moment, I feel no closer to 'really' moving on.

As I continue to listen to the piano solo and as I allow the compassion of the track to touch my body deeply, it feels like the secret to life is held within the notes. I can see the tenderness of the softly relaxed fingers on the ivory as gently, softly and compassionately, they bring the song alive and right now it lives in me. It holds my sadness and it does not judge, it does not think I am crazy or wrong and it does not wish for me to be anything other than what I am .. and it makes me feel amazing ..

It has started to rain, the sweet sound patters on the door and splish splashes in the bird bath on the patio. This moment, all of these moments (potentially every moment) is beautiful and I don't want to leave. The water droplets cascade down the glass altering my view. They are gleaming in the light from the floodlights in the lane, the bushes and trees are caught by the wind and shadows are cast all around.

I get myself a cup of tea and sit now without music - still the blinds are open and as I engage with the night, I still am not afraid. The silence is beautiful .. and I am still soft .. the candles gradually extinguish themselves until there are only three .. J returns my call and although it doesn't really change anything, it helps somehow .. I have been sitting .. truly with myself in the spirit of my entire project and The Deepening and I feel like this is the celebration I hoped for .. for hours and hours and now it's time for bed.

1-2-1

.. so, last week in such a bad place after Tai Chi, I felt the need to work with an almost desperate attention on the weight in my heels .. I was 'doing' it 'wrong' .. I hated myself and my Tai Chi all over again .. this week after my 'WOW' moments last night, I no longer felt that need and also now maybe a reluctance to 'go there' at all, in fear of being swallowed in the 'bad shit' again .. I was understood and we slowly and gently visited it paying attention to how my knees are today ..

.. turns out (surprise, surprise) the problem isn't in my knees .. my ankles are not soft .. they are holding .. and maybe .. I'm turning too far (soft limit ?) and I'm 'trying' to make the moves bigger than they need to be (do less ?) .. and so softer .. softer .. move slower .. soften my ankle .. soften my ankle .. soften my ankle .. soften my ankle .. soften my ankle ..

.. lying on the floor there is holding in my hips .. in my knees .. in my ankles .. have the intention to let go in my hip .. easier said than done .. gradually it happens ..

.. and in the Tai Chi class, I don't turn back so far .. I put a soft intention in my ankles and I don't 'do' so much .. it is so much better and the weight is not in my heels (bargain !) ..

.. we pay a visit to A .. it is great to see her .. I leave feeling a mixture of really happy and really sad ..

And Did You See That Sunset ?

WOW - Celeb-rating Instead Of Be-rating

.. there was a reading from the Tao Te Ching which didn't touch me .. followed by the experiment of the first in class chant .. ahhhhh from the tantien and oooooo from the heart .. I was moved and resonating .. open and different .. already different .. and still something inside me balked at prospect of more partner work before the form .. and this time it was ok, something was moving in me .. I felt joined with my partner (K) as I traced the dynamic energy in and out of her root while she moved .. then it was my turn and trying too hard, I didn't get it .. I felt the prickle of anger and I felt the slide toward the beginning of the beating .. G came over and explained it again and almost magically, I got it .. her hands were tracing my energy and I got it .. I was waving hands in clouds and I was Tai Chi !

I had been trying to 'understand' it with my (linear) mind (because that's what I do - that's who I am?). Now, I could feel this all going on and other stuff too and I felt inflated ! and amazing .. I wanted to tell the world how great it is to be alive and to be Tai Chi .. we played a form and although the weight was still in my heels now and again, it didn't matter today .. I didn't retain amazing all the way through the form, that didn't matter either .. I kept thinking, this is Tai Chi, this is what it's all about .. everytime I did that, I was lost and the feeling went away .. as I softened to allow again .. it returned ..

G said this is what's happening already and we are simply feeling into it .. to yield, to soften and to allow it to be .. what it is ..

WOW ! A sense of space and a sense of flow. I was filled up with it .. I'm so glad I went to Tai Chi and I'm so glad I continue around this spiral of life because sometimes it can be so rewarding !!!!

I noticed tonight how profoundly different the response when I relay how I feel .. how others can be/are willing to be with me in this .. they are willing to meet me .. in my happiness and my smile .. in contrast to the darker side of me that they do not/will not meet (of course this is my own perception of how it is and so is my truth .....)

I feel and I voice the fear that I WILL crash because I feel so good and that (while walking around the 'mandala of being') is ALWAYS what happens .. a huge high (often unexpected and sometimes a mystery) followed by the hugest low .. however, I am encouraged to rest in the moment where truly I feel amazing.

Bargello And Then Some ..

Many, Many Mandalas On Day 42

'In Life .. We Think We Have Forever .. And Then We Don't'

December 10th 2006

There are many mandalas today and some Bargello .. everything is quiet and I know I am still avoiding 'real quiet' as I feel my project reaching it's conclusion.

I listen to the CDs from the last Deepening meet and I hear again that 'In life .. from time to time, we think we have forever .. and then we don't .. and in that assumption, we miss the moment' - it feels like a punch in the stomach as it did when R said it in the circle and as it has each time I have played this CD. They are very powerful words for me and they feel like a big stick to beat myself with and I am aware that I must start to accept and yield to this or it will contribute to another downfall that I do not need or necessarily have to choose.

I decide to take a bath with the intention to let go and allow the real quiet to come and it doesn't fail me. At first my mind is busy with thoughts, many thoughts .. but the water is hot and it soothes my body, as the candles flicker, my body is bathed in their soft light .. the surface of the water is perfectly still. Tiny drops fall from my fingertips and ripples spin out across the rich reflection of the candles. Time stands still for a while .. I notice also that my hand is reflected and I have an image of two parts of me, the part (above the water) which keeps my life going day by day as the other part (a deeper part - beneath the water) falls apart constantly, buffeted by the movements inside, stirred by the Deepening and therapy.

Although I acknowledge that to change, undo and let go of old and unuseful patterns is my only hope of a future, sometimes I wish I could turn back ... as it is so very hard ... I have come to far to turn back ...

The Xmas Gathering

It is the most glorious day .. there is mist hanging in the valley ..

'It can take some people a whole lifetime, to learn that they have the right to exist'
Dustin Hoffman

Recieving hands and offering hands in a circle, I am moved to be here once again

In the barn .. R refers to lifting the head up off the vertabra, to release tension caused by

computers or driving
struggling and striving

This touches me ..

.. for the first time in a long, long time, I play a form and I do not critisise .. I notice how it eases my mind .. (right now in this moment of reflection, I celebrate that and forgive the rest)

It's nice to see R & J again and in fact many others, some I know, some I will come to know

A relaxed holding space with understanding and compassion

Clear skies and so many stars

R talks about the end of an era, I feel sad and yet it will be and soon ..

It's tough for me not to expect each Poulstone experience to be as good as the last ..

On my return, I have the intention to be quiet and still for a while, to take in my day .. I turn away from this however and loose myself in unecessary 'stuff', I do not welcome this movement in me.

And Further ..

.. I spend a night in Bath with J & P, there is good food and conversation, I don't really want to leave .. and on the way back, there is a most beautiful nearly full moon and the lights of Bristol flood the skyline ..

.. again I feel deep anger in class at Tai Chi .. my knees are hurting .. I can't 'do' it 'right' .. the weight is in my heels .. I've been doing Tai Chi for a long time now and the weight is in my heels .. again I can't see out .. I am sad because no-one understands, they just look at me like I'm crazy .. I feel crazy ..

.. I try to unravel all this at therapy and I just don't get it .. there is the suggestion that I want to be perfect, that isn't possible, I will never achieve that and I get mad that I don't .. when the anger comes again, I need to step out of it .. I will try to do this ..

.. I have the intention to allow the anger and hate, embrace it and try to come back to myself ..

.. I will attempt to 'meet it, feel it, allow it, yield to it, it is just a feeling passing through. It will pass on in time. It is not me in my essence' and 'feel the space around me - that is not angry, or filled with hate' ..

.. why is it so much easier to hate myself than to have compassion for my struggle ? .. I DO NOT GET IT ..

The Man From Poulstone ..

.. he say .. 'Your paragraph is perfect - so that is a yes!' .. I knew he would ..

Wild Horses

I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out, hmmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
There's greener pastures
I'm thinking about, hmmm
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare-back, care-free
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face my fear, but not feel scared
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses


Lyrics By Natasha Beddingfield

Moseying Home !

What Am I Doing On Day 41 ?

I take the dog out after breakfast, it's so mild .. I drift around in the moment briefly only a couple of times when I notice a branch of yellow flowers sticking out of a ruby red hedge of berries .. and every now and then when I actually remember it's project day .. mostly though just drifting ..

I take a shower but do not indulge .. I mosey along to my massage and feeling ok this week, I still don't want to stand in front of my emotion and so, I ask for a purely physical treatment again .. I let go and I am thankful (always) for this gift .. I leave and forget my watch and my chain, panic arises .. I reason that there is no need .. I relax and it is gone ..

















I have lunch, it is 3.15 and no creation so far, something in me is struggling with that .. I put on my new Lama Gyurme CD and have the intention to be quiet for a while and join with my project. I create a mandala of moseying home ! and another with wet paper and watercolour pencils (this one is rubbish), then another which reminds me of the earth. I make another by covering a circle of card and printing out the words LOVE and PEACE in different fonts and assembling into a mandala !











There is squash soup for tea and then another LOVE mandala inspired again from a magazine.




















I have been listening mostly to Lama Gyurme (with a bits of The BGTs, Avril Lavigne and Anastasia) .. once more it has been very quiet and uninterrupted .. however, today feels a little odd .. I go to bed to reflect ..

.. I have not allowed that perfect space AGAIN today and I don't know why .. as my Deepening statement echoes through my mind, I feel fraudulent all over again .. but that's rubbish and I know it .. I am not a fraud and the Deepening (especially my project) HAS been the greatest gift, I HAVE allowed it and I AM (I always was and always will be) amazing ..

Hustle And Bustle

.. the wind is in my hair on the bridge .. it is blowing a gale .. I notice the circular lamps all in a row and the wind blowing the surface of the water .. there is a nice light .. it can be a nice night .. I return to work ..

But I Don't Believe In Angels ?

.. on the way to Tai Chi, I am almost knocked off my bike by an asshole who is pulling into the road I am pulling out of, he's on the wrong side of the road, pulling into the wrong side of the road with no lights on .. we are almost head to head, we both hit the anchors, I skid and am shaken but stop short of hitting him .. just ..

.. at Tai Chi I share this and they do not understand .. I don't realise how shaken I am .. G offers me some rescue remedy as I realise how much calmer I already am following Tai Chi ..

.. I am half way home and my bike dies on the roundabout .. I am calm, there is no panic, no distress .. I stand by my bike considering my options which seem few .. a fellow biker sees me and doubles back around the block to offer his assistance and support (but I thought the world was full of bastards ?) he is very sweet and my bike is going again .. probably a faulty earth or damp in the ignition .. he'll follow me home in case it happens again .. there is no need .. I am very touched that he stopped, I tell him so ..

.. at home after no further breakdown, I sit and feel good that I have been calm throughout and I remember the rescue remedy .. .. and hey, I just did Tai Chi !