I Found The Warrior

There is more love for 'me' at Poulstone this weekend than I could ever have imagined .. firstly, two people, both genuinely pleased to see me and then a heart so open with real understanding and support which touches me completely. 'Sharon, you are not a fraud'.

I sit in the teaching circle and I feel no divide between teacher and student, we are one, we are Rising Dragon Tai Chi and I feel honoured and so very lucky all over again.

We play Tai Chi, we hang out. I am squashed and then I am told, the moment has passed and I notice that I am light again and fully back. I realise in that moment, I have found the warrior.

More Tai Chi and a sequential ritual which brings absolute quiet.

We finish with a meal and then we say goodbye and that's ok.

I get home and I sit in the silence with myself and my cup of tea and I feel so healed .. healed by love. I retire to bed and lie for just a moment to give thanks and then a peaceful (with no bad dreams) sleep washes over me and I do not wake until the morning.

My Deepening Statement Mandala

From Rags To Riches ? On Day 40

November 24th 2006

I wake up early and drift in and out of sleep for a while. I have this weird thought about Cinderella and about her rags to riches story and about how my journey is about that too - rags (a dark life filled with shit) to riches (a lighter life filled with love and acceptance) and how she remained the same person throughout her journey and so (fundamentally) do I .. as underneath 'I' am there ALL the time and 'I' am perfect ALL the time. The golden/glass slipper awaits me every morning in the dawning of a new day, a new moment and I can choose rags or riches every day .. I have the awareness that currently, I am choosing rags again.

I take the dog out and am hardly there in the moment at all.

I sit at the window with the garden and I draw a cinderella mandala




















followed by an anger mandala which is an expression of how I feel about Tai Chi and my form





















and then a green (the colour of heart ?) circle filled with black not touching the sides ?













I decide to make a mandala for my Deepening Statement to give to R tomorrow. This comes from my heart as I engage again with the power of the feelings the words convey.


I come to my room after having some lunch because T gets up. I decide this afternoon I will continue with scrapbooking my journey. The afternoon is very quiet, but I am busy, busy and although there are not really thoughts, it is not the real heart quiet I have come to know. I guess I could celebrate that I know and can feel the difference between the two ?

As it is Dad's birthday, I make my way there for tea and I feel able to allow this, to be part of my project day. Even when he says he didn't want the present I got him, he wanted something else ! I feel ok. I stay a while and come home around 7pm. I return to my room for some more scrapping. The rest of the evening is quiet also and my space has not been disturbed at all today, neither from the outside or the inside.

I come to bed with the intention to engage with 'real' quiet .. this doesn't happen as, thoughts begin about Poulstone tomorrow, thoughts that I am a fraud, going to a Tai Chi retreat day when currently, I really do not like Tai Chi and I do not want to play my form, knowing I will have to stand in front of all of these things tomorrow.

I lie awake for hours unable to quieten these thoughts .. thrown off centre until I finally fall to sleep.

Another Bad Week .. And

.. P rings and tries to understand my struggle with the filming of my form and now with my life and it's shit all over again .. he does not dismiss what I feel .. I know he is trying to help .. it does not ..

.. I venture out to lunch around 4pm, it is hammering down with rain .. I wander around with no purpose, my feet are soaked and squelchy .. I think how nice all the lights look, the world in a sodium hue .. street lights .. office lights .. lights on the surface of the water .. it makes me feel Xmasy (even though I normally do not even entertain Xmas) .. that makes me feel sad .. I am aware of people all around rushing here, rushing there .. and I stop in the pouring rain by the bridge, after walking down the path strewn with golden and red leaves under the trees and I take in the power of the rain drops hitting the river, the sky is not quite dark and the storm clouds are truly awesome .. I stand for quite a while and the rain does not matter .. I reflect that another time, I would consider this moment beautiful and this time it doesn't touch me in the same way ? .. I return to work ..

.. I miss Tai Chi because of work .. I feel surprised at how relieved I am that I don't have to stand in front of it this week ..

.. then (wow) the Be Good Tanyas at the Colston Hall .. even better than I could've imagined .. I experience a fair bit of stress and it is completely worth it .. I was sad it was over and to boot we got really, really wet and that was ok ..

.. P came all the way over to see me (x) .. apparently there was the most impressive double rainbow over Bristol and I missed it .. our time together is nice and I feel safe enough to ask P to watch my form with me .. we watch and P sees goodness .. I still see none and I get mad all over again .. then I put on the video from 18 months ago and although we do not watch this with the same attention, I do see a difference and briefly I do feel better and now I feel like I can watch it again on my own ..

Love And Happiness

Here's a wishing well
Here's a penny for
Any thought it is
That makes you smile
Every diamond dream
Everything that brings
Love and happiness
To your life
Here's a rabbit's foot
Take it when you go
So you'll always know
You're safe from harm
Wear your ruby shoes
When you're far away
So you'll always stay
Home in your heart
You will always have a lucky star
That shines because of what you are
Even in the deepest dark
Because your aim is true
And if I could only have one wish
Darling, then it would be this
Love and happiness for you
Here's a spinning wheel
Use it once you've learned
There's a way to turn
The straw to gold
Here's a rosary
Count on every bead
With a prayer to keep
The hope you hold
You will always have a lucky star
That shines because of what you are
Even in the deepest dark
Because your aim is true
And if I could only have one wish
Darling, then it would be this
Love and happiness for you
And if I could only have one wish
Darling, then it would be this
Love and happiness for you

Lyrics by Mark Knopfler

Once Again ..

.. I am offered such heart when I am able to find none for myself ..

"This is the deep practice of Tai Chi to stand with such feelings and not be caught"

.. I cry .. aware of deep sadness and at the same time deeply joyful, that I made it this far into a circle of people who not only can, but are willing to hold me while I cannot hold myself, full in the knowledge that one day I will be able too ..

.. I am more thankful for this than I can express ..

There Is A Weird Kind Of Light

.. it is autumnal, it is yellow, it is orange, the world around me is vibrant with it .. I feel it touch me like before .. and there is a rainbow, at first very faint, soon the rainbow is vibrant too ..

Mein Liebling Meine Liebe

.. I know I need to go very slowly and gently and I feel ready now to do so (can I still be a warrior after all ?) ..

.. I light my rose candle and begin to play Manifestation again .. I have been holding the DVD of my form next to the Manifestation CD case for ages (is that stupid ?) .. I put the DVD in the drive .. I straighten my warriors spine .. I breathe and relax and I hit the button and I stand fully in the moment and in front of my form ..

.. at first it feels ok .. then it approaches the bit where I go to pieces .. I am aware of tension and I feel like I can't stand to watch .. I am also aware that the music is playing, holding me in it's arms .. I am holding the scented rose candle .. I'm ok .. I let go and I just watch ..

I see holding in my shoulders, I see me going way too fast, rushing to my destination, wishing for it all to be over, I see doubt and fear, I see a complete lack of compassion for my struggle and no heart at all, I see me feeling I have learned nothing at all ('Fear will tell you nothing has changed')

.. I continue to stand before it and I let the DVD roll .. I watch the second form, I do not go 'wrong' this time but for the same reasons it is no better .. I watch the recording of all three of us playing together and I am touched .. I feel privileged all over again to be sharing my journey with these two beautiful people .. I am softer ..

Manifestation finishes and the rain beats down on the window pane.

Tigers

The largest of the tigers still before me is that dark place of self hatred and punishment which I have chipped away at and yet still remains there beneath to catch me and swallow me whole in my lowest moments. I acknowledge it as a huge part of who I have been all my life until now and that it was always going to take much longer than the period of the Deepening to surrender to it’s hold and just let it be what it is. I will continue with my intention to soften and accept it and maybe one day be free of it too.

Am I A Warrior ?

John Virkmann & Lau Laursen : Manifestation

1. Homage
2. Radius Satori
3. Manifestation
4. Hymn

"Manifestation is like a dimensional journey into the present, going deep within as well as expanding outward"

My Deepening Statement

My Deepening has allowed

me to reach beyond my mind,

to let go into the silent centre of my heart and

to be with my noble and worthy self. I have learned

to rest just there, where I am amazing, everything is beautiful

and perfect and life is worth living. A place where I feel in love with

love. I have had the time of my life and it has been the greatest

and most generous gift, I ever could have bestowed upon

myself. It has enabled me to see and to touch a part

of myself, which always has been

and always will be

.. free ..

Sweet, Sweet Music On Day 39

November 17th 2006

I woke up and the sun was on the blinds, the sky was a perfect blue. It was quiet inside and another bad day .. all the flowers I saw today were dying, something inside of me is dying ..

I light my rose candle and sit with the rain on the window, I light lots of candles in a circle on the table and I breathe their light into my heart where it is dark as night.















I make my first mandala

'As the beauty of each sunset marks the passage of time, every sunrise gives us hope and promise for all that is yet to come - Floria'




















Followed by another which charts my Deepening journey from the beginning to the instability of today




















Then, there is an email which tells me 'Find the warrior, find the root. Do you really want to move on ? Where is the warrior, find her, she is who you need right NOW' at first, I do not let this touch me .. I look for a while and I can't find her or her root .. then I am taken by fear and doubt and I get to thinking maybe she is not and never was a warrior ? I get angry and sad all over again. I make a 'WARRIOR ?' mandala, I feel lost and empty.

I read today's www.dailymotivator.com - 'Empty yourself of every disappointment, every desire. Gently let it all go. Underneath there is freedom and there is power - Ralph Marston'. It makes no difference, I do not let this touch me either. I ask the I Ching 'Am I A Warrior ?' it answers me 'The situation is evolving slowly and Yang is gaining ground'.

I feel the same.

I put my Manifestation CD on which calls to the deepest part of my heart, the very centre of myself and gradually everything changes .. I am sitting and am aware of the emptiness inside me and a feeling of huge sadness at the thought that maybe I am not in fact the warrior I thought I was, or that I have been trying to be. Maybe the fight is just too much, maybe I have reached the end of the road.

In this place where I sit in the darkness, the rain on the window, the flickering cande flame, the CD is playing. I start to read in R's letter from the recent meeting, the part about the Deepening statement, as it still has not arisen and I feel the need to be with that. Through my headphones is flowing this oh so sweet sound and gradually it touches me in spite of myself and I put the letter down.

I feel myself becoming softer .. and it crosses my mind that what is happening to me is sabotage, as the fearful parts of me try to undermine my Deepening journey as it draws to a close ('Fear will tell you nothing will have changed').

I sit with the CD, a cup of tea and I light many candles again. I sit and I sit and the sweet sound envelopes me and makes me feel safe. It feels like it's time to stand in front of my Deepening truly and ask myself 'What is my statement of pass' ..

I Can't Do This

Everything is turning to shit .. I'm afraid all over again .. I've lost so much ground .. right now I want everything to stop ..

Rage

.. more Tai Chi .. more anger .. say yes to anger ?

.. even more Tai Chi .. no saying yes .. no softness .. I rant and rant and feel so selfish .. everything they said I already knew and was choosing to ignore .. what's happening to me .. I'm off the rails all over again ..

.. I have my DVD .. I can't bring myself to watch it .. it's too painful .. I can't let it go ..

Feeling Better ?

.. this morning, I processed a lot and I felt ok with it all .. now, I lie down to let go .. it feels just as nice .. Rose, Orange & Ylang Ylang administered with a gentle touch like before .. hands on my throat feel uncomfortable .. approaching my heart, everything goes dark, I feel so desperately alone .. I am lost and floundering in the dark .. gradually, gradually, I'm loosing ground, loosing the plot .. L offers me some heart .. it's still dark .. I'm still alone .. I walk home .. there is a little patch of clouds which are glowing pink from within, I can't take my eyes of them .. suddenly, it's not so dark .. I cancel my plans and I sit in front of myself and my tigers all over again ..

A Tiny Mobile

  

Catharsis

noun {C or U} plural catharses

the process of releasing strong emotions through a particular activity or experience, such as writing or theatre, which helps you to understand those emotions

No More Tears, Just Tigers On Day 38

November 12th 2006

As I sink to step, ride the wave with me
I wanted so much perfect eyes that would see
That softness is the space which holds
Slowly as my all unfolds
My noble spine, from sky to earth
Which allows me poise and shows me my worth
If only I could rest there still
Allowing my lonely heart to fill
My form with love and amazing grace
But the camera rolls and I loose my place
Can't look inside, I'm caught in my head
I was hoping for joy, all I'm feeling is dread
It's winter in my heart and it's happening again
Lots of dark clouds and here comes the rain
The sun goes in and the lights go out
This isn't it I wanted to shout
The walls come up, there's no escape
And once again, the mistakes that I make
The stick which lies tucked in the wings
Beats the beat, but no-one sings
Why oh why do I do this shit
I try on the shoes and they never fit
I want the perfect leaf to fall
Like the perfect tree stands tall
I want to be alone no more
Black and white tears on a monochrome floor
Hold me close and feel my pain
My expectations are all down the drain
I'm reaching out with nothing to give
And here in this moment, no reason to live
But tomorrow I know is a different day
And I can do this in a whole other way
Resting with this hurt and this pain
I know tomorrow will not be the same
A slice of sun is all that I need
To shine down upon my tiny heart seed
It can warm up the love that I've come to know
And join me again with my energy flow

SH November 2006










There was a dog walk and leaves, there was quiet sitting for a long while at the window with a cloudy sky, there were tiger mandalas, a spinner and a tiny mobile.

There were many candles and then just three, there has been Jennifer Berezan, Kenny G and Lama Gyurme and there has been lots of quiet contemplation.

There has been sadness and more softness than before .. dusk fell around me and it was not the same ..

Then there is chanting followed by silence .. and the gift of a bath ..

.. I lie in the bath with a solitary candle after a very quiet and sad day .. there are islands of bubbles, moving mandalas on the water .. I contemplate my life and all the treasures currently bestowed upon me .. the gift of The Deepening and all things amazing which I have met with along the way .. the gift of R, G and A .. the gift of therapy and of J .. the gift of massage and of L .. the gift of many new true heart friends .. the gift of candles and music .. the gift of health .. and the gift of life itself ..

And now

.. I feel sad .. and softer ..

The Heart ..

.. Centre

the central or most important part

.. Chakra

the centre from which feelings of love emanate .. it is also associated with other virtuous emotions, such as joy, happiness, compassion, understanding and with loving oneself in a sincere way

Back To The Future

.. so today, we play our form again for the camera, I am apprehensive and I guess, expecting it to be very different from last time (18 months ago or so) .. it isn't, as soon as I stand before the rolling camera, I can not go inside .. I am in my head .. I forget the form .. I don't listen to my body .. I look in my mind for the next move and it's not there .. I loose my place .. I miss out half of the moves and I end up facing the wrong way .. M & J are generous and say that it was free form and it was lovely to watch .. I can not let this in as I start to berate myself big time inside .. I sit down as M & J play their forms .. it goes around and around in my head, I am lost again in my old patterning, I can't help it .. we play a form all together and then I play my own again, it is better and I end up facing the right way .. it doesn't make me feel better about the first one .. I can't let it go ..

.. I get home and now I am only with myself and I start to lose it big time in darkness all over again .. I realise how much expectation I had for it to be different this time .. it wasn't .. I can not hold it .. I can not let go .. I am headed for oblivion .. I reach out .. this time I am met ..

.. I am reminded how far I have come and that some tigers are VERY BIG, also that nothing is a mistake and where I am in this moment is where I am meant to be .. right now it is very important to be soft and have heart .. I feel better and thankful ..

I light a candle and I listen to ReTurning and rejoin my journey .. sing with me .. ReTurning .. ReTurning .. ReTurning .. .. .. Home ..

By Candlelight

.. today J asks me, where do you light your candle from ?

my answer, last night and when it really seems to matter, from my heart, other times, I don't know ..

.. then she asks, where is your heart lit from ?

my reply, from the love and the support of others ..


.. a migraine headache eventually takes all of me over .. I can't go to Tai Chi, G says let being with your migraine be your practice .. I lie awake in the dark ..

Well It's A Marvelous Night For A Moondance

Today, I receive R's letter to follow up the Deepening meet, it has been going around in my mind all day.

As the night draws in, it is very misty, I am drawn to light candles in the mist - why not ?

I go to the side of the house and lay my mandala of candles, this time 19 candles in a circle (19 Deepeners) and a candle in the centre (me). I light my candle first and then light the others one by one from it as I bring each Deepener to my mind.

So then I sit for a while with the circle of candles and me in the middle. I think about the end of Deepening .. about how it will be after it is gone - tonight J said to me, it will be done but it won't be dusted and she's absolutely right, that it will never be dusted.

I don't really know why but I have the urge to walk through the mist with my candle. I lift it from the centre, the circle of Deepeners continues to flicker and dance in the dark. I make my way around the perimiter of the garden, I can't really see, it doesn't matter. Almost at the garage, I look back at the small ring of candles burning through the mist, it looks magical and it speaks to me somehow .. it tells me it will all be ok .. once I leave the Deepening circle for the last time in January, it will all be ok, the circle will go on.

The night is so lovely, cold and misty, lights casting shadows and backlighting the trees. At the end of the garden there is water in the top of a barrel, I turn the candle upside down to see the flame reflected in the water, of course wax drips into it, I do this again and again, the flame remains alight and the wax becomes a mandala .. of course ! I carry on around the garden.

I return to the candle mandala and every candle remains alive, dancing still. I put my candle back in the middle and sit again. Each candle is touching like when we hold hands in the circle and as the breeze gently blows, it seems to move around like the energy flow from one hand to another.

I have been sitting a while and it is cold, I start to blow out the candles around the circle, one by one by one .. it gets darker and darker, colder and colder, until the only candle remaining is my own in the centre. I can see all the other candles still, they just are not lit and this speaks to me also. I blow out my final candle and now they are all in the dark .. but they are all still there resting in a circle.

It will all be ok.

Gunpowder Treason And Plot

Although actually there was none of any of these.

I go to P and A's as planned to the bonfire. There is much good food and conversation. I burn my 'Fear Is A Devious Little Twit' mandala, followed by my bad dreams .. I do not feel different.

  

P and M play for us as the night comes to a close, feet are tapping, I had a nice night.

I cycle home through the smokey air, it is late, I am feeling a little fear. T has been burned by a firework .. I can not sleep .. I eventually do and come face to face with another bad dream ..

And Today

I have been reading back through more bits of my project journal .. waiting for my Deepening Statement to arise from within .. I know it will .. it's just not time yet ..

I told L last night, one thing which has moved in me big time is that at the beginning of the Deepening, I could not have even contemplated the end of the Deepening, now although there will be a massive hole in my life and I'm certain there will be huge grief at the loss, I know absolutely I can make it through the end and I know almost certainly my life will move on to another leg of my own Deepening.

I really have had the time of my life .. I hasten to write 'Do I really deserve this vast wealth I have come upon' as these days it is harder for me to turn away from goodness and I know all this happened for a reason.

In this moment I am moved and I don't want to move from here. I listen to the Offering chant again .. I am going to P's tonight to a bonfire party, I am going to burn my 'Fear Is A Devious Little Twit' mandala and the written account of my bad dreams and I am going to let go into the moment - again .. it gives me goose pimples and brings me to tears again ..

Fear Is A Devious Little Twit !

 

Because The Deepening WILL Live In My Heart Forever

The First Frosts Of Winter On Day 37

November 3rd 2006

Got up feeling just as tired as usual. However, it is a glorious day, very sunny with a perfect blue sky, cold and crisp.

I decided the dog and I would walk a different way today, down Beechwood Road. Lost in thought though, I turned out of habit down Filwood Road. Brought back to the moment by the dog trying to pooh on a step inside a gate .. embarrassed I had let him do this whilst lost in myself. I cleared up and walked back up the road and on as planned to Beechwood Road. There are still many flowers and most fushias seem to still be blossoming happily.

Soon after I got home, T went to the allotment. I sat downstairs in the rays of the lovely sun to make a mandala in a card for B, I reflect on how beautiful she is and how she does not accept this for herself .. I think probably we all find that hard .. I find it almost impossible .. I accept this happens because of years of patterning, but, why is it so hard to change ?

I draw a golden circle and due to a slip of the pen, add a twisting line weaving in and out of the edge all around (which looks great !) then I add in blue velvet stickers the word 'beautiful'. I make a CD and cover it with two mandalas and then I add selected words from the song 'beautiful' to the inside of the circle. I put it into the envelope with compassion for the struggle B shared with me on the Deepening and I include a large golden heart.




I sit with a thought that today, I do not feel I have stayed true to the separateness from the norm and soon see that there have so far been many moments with a glorious sun, the crisp air, the flowers and the brilliant blue sky and I have listened to some songs which almost always touch me. Above all, I have absolutely joined with myself and B's card and that actually today has been very successful

I draw a few freehand mandalas in my journal (because I felt like it !) and after lunch, I take a slow and indulgent shower.

I sit in the sun for a while with a cup of tea and leave for my massage at 4pm, I hurry all the way there with Gnarls Barkley hardly in the moment at all .. I ask myself, why did I do that when there was no need ?

L asks how I've been .. I want so much to say I'm ok .. I want to say all is well .. I feel her perfect holding begin, I feel her wanting to understand. She mixes supporting oils .. Orange, Ylang Ylang (which I love) and Rose .. I lie down and I start to let go .. L asks do I want a purely physical treatment, I don't feel strong enough to stand properly in front of this question .. (probably wanting to be emotionally helped, probably feeling I can't cope right now and I don't deserve it anyhow) .. and so I say I don't know .. we make a deal, L will go with what is and if I want her to stop I will say so .. she is gentle, her hands are on my back and I have an overwhelming sense of being alone .. there are tears on my hands and then on my cheeks .. L says 'be kind to yourself and remember you are special' ..

I make my way home, it's dusk (one of my moves !), there is a very beautiful moon (shrouded in clouds) .. in each gap between the houses, a new moment, a new moon .. it is cold .. that's ok .. I get home and P rings about tomorrow night .. he is such a sweet person .. I ring R .. as usual there is an interruption with no respect .. I am angry, I let it go .. downstairs I ring R back .. I talk to R for a while .. he makes me feel calm and like I am ok .. I know I am ok .. he says we are like waves .. we go back and then we go forward again, each time we go forward it's a little more than before.

I come back upstairs to make a mandala for G. I feel very affected by what happened in the circle and I need to make peace for myself. I use the rainbow letters I coloured earlier spelling LOVE and I stick them jumbled on a circle. I write G, to tell him how it is .. I write out of love, he has taught me a lot. I feel better.




I stop for tea, there are smaller helpings recently, my stomach is grateful !

Inspired by a ghost on a piece of card from Halloween, I make a mandala of Fear and recall P saying Fear is a devious little twit !

Before bed, I decide I will sit with the moon for a while. It is still very high in the sky and to be with it, I have to sit on the floor. I am uncomfortable with sitting on the floor with my back to the dark outside the open door (?) and suddenly I am gripped again by fear and I can't hold it. I close the blinds and get into bed. I decide instead I will engage with the chant again. I put my headphones on and as it washes over my body, I am not aware of anything other than beautiful music .. I play it again and again .. I am not tired now and do not sleep for hours .. when I do, there is another bad dream .. and tonight that's ok.

The Night Sky

Before bed, I stand at the window .. there is a huge bright moon and a clear sky .. I look at the wonder of it for ages, as it illuminates the room and makes the little stars on my nightshirt come alive .. I close the blinds and curl up under the duvet feeling alone ..

Panic, The Dreams Are Back

.. there is another panic attack .. I fight with myself for over three hours and do not give a thought this time to the principles .. finally there is sleep .. then there are three terrifying nightmares .. I lie dying in a crumpled heap on the floor and wake up screaming, I am suffocating and I wake deeply troubled, I am hiding in a building so that the evil dooers who shoot my brother in the street, do not come for me

.. I am knocked for 6 all over again .. I feel like I have run out of track .. I am angry, sad and confused .. overwhelmed, tired and lost ..

.. I cannot bring myself to go to Tai Chi, I cannot stand up tonight in who I am and be seen .. I don't go .. I feel bad ..



"Now is the time to do the work. As it becomes clear that the Deepening is coming to an end, the holding that it has given begins to fade. Now is the time that 'I' need to step in. Find 'my' spine and stick to it. Build 'my' own support. 'I' have done amazingly well over this time and this is just another test so that 'I' can find out that 'I' can hold this too.

Take Heart dear Sharon. All is well"

Serenaded

I am in the rest room and a cleaner appears singing at the top of his voice, with no holding back ;

'Baby, baby I know
Baby, I love you so'

his face is shining, he looks happy and full of life, our eyes meet and I say 'Ahhhh, Thank you, I am touched'

He starts laughing .. and then sings again

'But you don't feel like I do'

I say, 'Well no, but it's a bit of a shock and I hardly know you .. let me think about it and I'll get back to you'

He rocks his head back laughing .. I am laughing too

He says the song is Twisted by Keith Sweat, I don't know it .. he says he's never sung it in a duet before .. we are still laughing .. ain't relationship just great !

Twisted - that's what we are !