Onward And Upward

"Man is an explorer. Man needs a horizon to be going to ... The only way we can do that is accept some risk"

NASA Flight Director Paul Hill

Giving Up

I had given up, just for a few days, it was all too much .. I felt like I didn't want to fight on anymore, I just needed to lay down and take stock (somewhere deep inside on a good day, I know it's not about fighting and sometimes, I just can't help it) .. then what had become very comfortable (and old) became uncomfortable again and now, I'm back up there with the best, it was all part of it .. I am movin on and on and on ..

CBT

I do my bike training .. I am told my riding is excellent and I should walk my test. This does not help me .. I cannot go there.

Other Stuff ..

 

Turning Toward Love

Transcend And Include On Day 27

August 24th 2006

I was so tired again this morning after two long, busy and exhausting days on my own at work. My RSI is really bad again since the builders knocked the power out of the back of the switch (twice !) yesterday and I had to go round, bomb out and restart all the launchers on the 5th floor.

T took Corbin out as I had therapy early. I have had a run of quite up and positive days recently, where it seemed like anything was possible and all was bright and breezy. Today that has all fallen away and I feel empty. It felt like I was heading for another big low as I told J, I am half way there already, she pointed out I am not actually half way anywhere, I am just exactly where I am in this moment. At that point, I changed course, I pulled up out of it and was able to reflect on it instead of being in it.

I feel better.

My first creation today, a mandala of mandalas .. a spiral of my work so far. It's good and I like it - this represents me gathering myself up, it includes all of me to date in this project and my journey so far.

Then, I find a simple image on the internet which reminds me of turning towards love and this becomes my next mandala as I trace and alter it slightly .. I move on as lots of other mandalas appear on the paper, mostly inspired today by things I have seen on the internet .. the yin yang heart is traced from a design I found when I searched for 'love mandalas'. I draw 'Happiness' in Chinese calligraphy and find a poem and some quotes .. my next mandala reminds me of a ladder and I think of how far I have come since the start of a) my journey, b) the Deepening and c) my project.

T has gone out and on this occasion, I decide to remain in my room anyway. My mood has slipped even though I thought I had caught it earlier. I have listened to various music today and have not let any of it touch me.

My final mandala was made from a tracing of the wax I spilled on some paper.

I feel no passion today and although I have still managed to avoid the big low I thought I was heading for, I have not let the project in.

T comes home and cooks more freshly picked corn on the cob for tea, which I do allow to be yummy !!

I run a bath in an effort to relax and just be, after a day of thinking, thinking too much. I lie in the bath, still thinking way too much about everything. I am feeling very apprehensive about my bike training tomorrow. I am afraid I might have to do an emergency stop in the rain (hell, it's not even raining !).

I give up after not very long in the bath, as I am not allowing any affect. I lie on my bed feeling sad, today feels like a crap project day. I play track four of my singing bowls - waves and saxophones - perfect, finally it starts to touch me .. I glance up out of my crumple and spot a quote on my wallboard "People become more committed when inspired by love rather than driven by fear" is that what has happened to me ?

I lay my head down to sleep with that thought ..........

My Developing Scrapbook

 

Trance Like

 

I Love Love - Day 26

August 19th 2006

I was tired .. so tired .. I couldn't get up, I stirred when T brought me tea and didn't wake up until it was cold. I finally dragged myself out of bed and felt better straight away. I took the dog out and we met a lady on Causeway who came rushing up saying how beautiful Corbin was, he wagged his tail like mad .. doh .. he gets all the attention ! Then we bumped into T's Mum, I haven't seen her for ages and so she had to fill me in on everything that has happened (or rather mostly what has mishappened !). Corbin whined a bit and then gave that up and sat down in the road, then when it was clear we were not moving on any time soon, he lay down and made himself comfortable .. when we set off again he looked all pleased with himself as he gulped down a biscuit. We came home and T asked me to help him with my bike in the garage, I felt the grumpy, hard done by me rise up, I wanted to get on into my day of creation, I let this go, helped him out and was able quite soon to come to my room.

Today I want to do some more scrapbook pages and I feel a nagging mandala 'have to', I let go of this also and settle down to scrap. I put 'Sanctuary' on the stereo, light my candle and set about sticking stuff, by eye today rather than measuring everything exactly !

T made some lunch and I stopped to eat. So far today feels a bit weird, like I'm not really letting it happen, not really letting it in.

After lunch, I put on some trance music. I completed my page and then sat to make some mandalas, mainly I think because I still felt I should and also because I had a thought 'what would I put in my scrapbook for today' ? if I did no mandalas at all ! All the mandalas I did were unsatisfactory and feel superficial, quickly, I let go of all of this and returned to another scrap page.

T has gone out to the flower show and so I have come downstairs, all my creation 'stuff' is still upstairs, but music has started to move me and I feel that I need to sit with the essence of what this is really about and let it in, to touch me properly instead of 'doing'.

So I put my singing bowls meditation on the stereo, I light 3 candles on the coffee table and sit on a pile of cushions on the floor .. the power of the rich and mellow sounds meet my ears as the air feels heavy in my upturned palms, it feels like I breathe in the music, I breathe the heavy air in through my palms and I chose life, I join with my Tao and my day so far no longer matters, I rest right here in this moment of now and all is ok. The CD moves onto the next track and crystal bowls now meet me, I am drawn out of the moment by the desperate urge to write about this feeling in my journal before it is gone .. too late .. it is gone. I return to the first track and it touches me again. I sit and gaze into the candle flame .. nothing else matters except this moment .. I could be anywhere .. I find myself humming along with the rich tapestry of sound which fills my room, fills my body, fills my world. As it ebbs and flows from crescendo to crescendo. Candle flames are so beautiful as are the pools of molten wax on which they seem to float .. and once again, I need not search for meaning in my life because it is right here in this moment, right here in this music, right here in this candle flame ..

.. It is right here in my heart ..

.. a little piece of wax has broken off one of the candles and I drop it into the molten pool and watch it slowly melt away, like my troubles, my stress and my preoccupation with why my life is so hard and my constant battle with what is .. why do I do what I do ... that doesn't matter right now either .. I am alive .. I am here in this moment allowing my sacred life to touch me. I have been looking for myself, working towards being whole again .. wanting to return to my true nature which is love .. in this moment .. I am here .. I am whole and I am love .. I cry .. I am amazing.

I sit with this CD for a long while then I spend the next couple of hours just sitting on my cushions with various music. Sitting cross legged, with my candles, then I listen once more to my singing bowls. I return to the moment and life moves inside me again.

T returns and cooks home grown and freshly picked corn on the cob for tea.

I finish another scrap page and am glad I let go of the mandala 'have to' today !

I can't help myself and I go to bed with singing bowls, the blinds are open, there is rain on the window (although it isn't raining), there is a gentle breeze. Again I am thankful in this moment for my life.

The thing I have been wishing for, for so long is finally starting to happen to me .. something in me has chosen this path and I am thankful that I am turning towards it now instead of away.

I love love and I don't feel tired !

And ... No Worries

(I just know your life’s gonna change)
(Gonna get a little better)
(Even on the darkest day)
(I just know your life’s gonna change)
(Gonna get a little further)
(Right until the feelings change)
So, is this how it goes?
Think you’ve come this far with nothing to show
But that ain’t so, no
You don’t see where you are
And if you don’t look back you’ll never know
Cause you think that you’ve been living, just treading water
And waiting in the wings for the show to begin
But I always see you searching
As you try that bit harder
Getting closer, oh yeah, to the life you’re imagining
(I just know your life’s gonna change)
Maybe not today, maybe not today
Some day soon you’ll be all right
(I just know your life’s gonna change)
Don’t turn the other way, turn the other way
Feels like luck is on your side
(Just wanna live)
No worries, no worries
(Don’t wanna die)
No worries, no worries
(Fight through the lows)
Say it for me, say it for me
(And take all the highs)
We all need somebody
(Yeah you can sink)
No worries, no worries
(Or can you swim)
No worries, no worries
(Or walk on out)
Say it for me, say it for me
(Or jump right in)
We all need somebody

So, baby keep drifting on
Your endeavours ain’t just selfless wasted time
Seek and find, yeah yeah
You’re not that far from what you’ve hoped and wished for all along

I just know your life’s gonna change

Lyrics By Simon Webbe

No Fear

Today (with a little help) .. I have realised that although, I am still afraid of everything .. I no longer have a fear of FEAR ..

I no longer have a fear of FEAR
I no longer have a fear of FEAR
I no longer have a fear of FEAR

.. fucking excellent ..

.. I am amazing ..

.. and I think I am actually starting to like myself (bargain) ..

(and .. and possibly, I swear too much !)

A Photo Collage Made By Me !!

 

And Just A Few Colours

  

Colourfully Filled With Colour On Day 25

T went out before I got up and so I lay in bed and leisurely let the morning approach me making the most of the peace and quiet, feeling restful and ok.

Took the dog out, it is much cooler, he seems much better today, I'm glad. We walked a bit further than I intended and I took him to the field where he even ran a bit ! for the first time in ages .. there were lots of tiny downy feathers which I picked up.



Was I really there today .. mostly I did not even remember it was project day, it was just like another dog walk .. I could be pissed off about that, I am not .. today .. it is what it is .. I can forgive and move on.

I showered and made my way for a massage, where I let go again into the deep caress of my muscles. I lay on the table taking in every moment of the touch, every circle around every muscle. I wish I could have massage everyday because it makes me feel so good. Feeling relaxed and completely peaceful, I made my way home, I ambled slowly to Native American Indian Chanting. I sat to have lunch and a cup of tea .. I have not yet 'made' a mandala and I can be with that and it's ok too. Today the massage has been my first mandala.

I did not expect what happened next and I'd like to think it happened because of the peaceful and relaxed space I find myself in following the massage. I sat and many, many colourful mandalas poured out of me .. one after another onto my paper, some of them, very pleasing, all of them at least on the better side of ok ! Then there were words and finally - INSPIRATION .. I think the secret was in the 'Crayola Twistables' !



T came home to have some lunch, he babbled constantly on and on like he does, mainly about bees, I said 'hmmmm' and 'really' a few times obviously in the right places .. then he went back out to visit M.

I found myself singing 'The Arms Of Orion' which I haven't heard for ages and so I put on the Prince CD. I made another mandala which tried to be an expression of the massage, interesting that it was the first one today I 'tried' to do and it was rubbish.

Then I sit with some photos of Poulstone, Deepeners and mandalas I have made .. I cut them into circles and I mount them in a circle in a frame .. it looks great .. I surround the circles with stars punched from the same photos .. it looks just like a scrapbook page !!

I put the Maverick Soundtrack on the stereo and am moved as always by the song 'Solitary Traveler' .. I was sitting, singing at the top of my voice when T returned !

I prepared and cooked tea and we ate. I retire to my room to make a thank you card for some scrapbooking stuff I was given and a card for P, just because ..

I come to bed and my lower back feels very tight and is aching again, I do the stretches that L showed me, the breeze from my window brings my colour filled and much more successful day to a pleasant end.

More Normality In Bath And The Italian

I had a day in Bath with P, it was a nice day .. I was fear filled in the Roman Baths when we went into a very claustrophobic section which was stuffy and packed with people, I felt it all closing in on me, I felt the feelings of panic, I felt my shoulders hunch in and my chest close up, I had the urge to run, to escape .. I straightened my spine and pulled my shoulders back, I stood with the fear .. I did this continuously until we emerged into the light the other side of the fear .. I was in this situation many years ago in Lands End, on that occasion I could not hold or stand with the fear and feelings of claustrophic overwhelm and I ran .. I celebrate that I have moved on even when it feels like I haven't. We met up with J for a couple of hours which ended in sitting hand in hand in the park, giving and recieving the love and support which is there between us because of the Deepening.

V, L and I went to the Italian, I was feeling very emotional, overwhelmed by another full on week and as I let go into the evening, I had a really great time .. thanks to the two beautiful people I shared it with. Apparently, I am a Hobbit !!

The Eye Of The Tiger

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger

Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

If I Can Just Believe

My driving licence finally reappeared from the DVLA this week and so, I have booked my motorbike theory test (Aug 21st) and following three days training, the practical test (Sep 21st) .. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE ABLE TO DO THIS .. I have fear, much fear and I'm doing it anyway .. (I am able to do this ONLY because of the Deepening)

I am scared of pain in my arm that I may have to endure
I am scared of going fast on a dual carriageway
I am scared of having an accident (I'm always scared of this and during my training, I will be on the road for a lot longer than ever before increasing the chances)
I am scared of crashing when I do an emergency stop
I am scared I will be too hot
I am scared I will be too cold
I am scared I won't be able to hear the trainer on the intercom
I am scared I won't be able to keep up
I am scared I won't remember everything I'm told

Most of all ..

I am scared I might fail

All Is Well .. All Is Good

I had my appraisal on Friday .. it went well .. I am doing a good job .. I feel supported probably for the first time ever .. I need not have worried ..

My Optimus scores have gone up across the board .. all is well .. all is good

My Dog Is Funny

Video Hosting - Upload Video - Video Sharing

Woven Today

  

This Is How I Feel

  

Half Way And I'm Off The Rails On Day 24

August 3rd 2006

I did not sleep well and I think this has contributed to my uncomfortable day.

Corbin and I marched out to A1, well I marched, he dawdled .. doesn't do for a relaxing walk really .. the Livingstone Daisies are almost over, I noticed lots of flowers and there is something different today, I feel bored of flowers, I am discontent.

At the end of the road, I find a rainbow ball

  

which Corbin takes ownership of and wakes up suddenly marching back home to munch it up into little bits .. which he manages immediately !

T has gone out. I try some bubble painting after seeing it in a magazine and thinking it looked cool, I draw a circle, the bubble painting is rubbish, it doesn't work, I don't think the paint is adequate .. it just looks like a circle with some really faint blue paint in it .. I am annoyed that yet again it doesn't look like I intend .. today, I am not able to let it go .. my day spirals on down at a rapid rate from here really .. I do have a couple more attempts, with more paint and less water, more water and less paint .. all unsuccessfully and the paper is just soaking and probably will never dry .. ever ..

After my musical interlude on Sunday, I decide to get the keyboard out, I wasn't very good all those years ago, I try to play something half decent, I can't .. it isn't there .. nothing is there today .. I wish I could play and it sound good like when P and M played last weekend .. it ain't gonna happen .. I can't.

It is sunny, the sky is blue - the dog over the back is barking continuously as usual .. I am grumpy and feeling quite down.

I put A1 on the stereo and eat melon, I feel sick. I light my candle gift and sit to trace a couple of shapes which I make into mandalas. I cut four roses, they smell beautiful, I put them in water and keep them by my side.

  

I do some splatter painting which I also saw in a book .. it's ok, but doesn't do anything to lift me.

T comes home briefly for some lunch, while he is here, I extinguish my candle and turn off the music. I come upstairs to print the two photos I need for my next scrapbook page. I try to fit them on the page, I have the idea in my head .. I am frustrated .. I can't fit it all on .. the page looks crowded, I hate it .. I hate the fact that I can't let go of doing it perfectly, it will look so much nicer if I just let go and scrap from my heart .. I find myself unable to.

It is too hot .. I am pissed off .. I don't really feel well .. my lower back is hurting. I try some paper weaving, which becomes the most successful attempt of the day and looks ok. I relight my candle and put some more dancey music on the stereo, it still does not touch me .. nothing is touching me. I go out onto the patio, to try the slice of sun again, nothing happens this time .. the situation is the same, I am different, I do not let it in .. the sun is on my back .. I want to go inside .. I go inside.

Why is there always such a big low after such a big high ?

I make a phone call .. reaching out from what has become a very low place .. it has taken me by surprise .. I have been slipping further and do not want to slip completely .. we talk for a while .. it helps for a while.

T comes home.

I start to feel a little better, a little softer.

I come to my room and I finally fit everything satisfactorily onto my scrapbook page and I like it .. I finish it off and allow a tiny sliver of joy to touch me.

I decide to read back on my blog what I wrote last night following my massage, as I try to recall the feeling. T comes up and barges in, he wants the PC .. there is as usual a battle and he wins .. when he is gone .. I have hit the bad place again.

I go to bed .. there is the most beautiful moon, surrounded by gossamer clouds .. I feel it touch me .. I put my roses by my bed and I lay my head down after a terrible day.

Living In A Fantasy Without Meaning

It's not okay
I don't feel safe

I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it's cold out here

Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone

Lyrics By Anastasia

To Die For ...

 

It's All In The Mix

.. Marjoram, Cedarwood and Rosemary ..

Feeling ok since the weekend and my dip into normality with P, M and others, tonight I indulge once more in a massage .. my RSI has been retaliating since I carried a PC up four flights of stairs and so today, I request a deep massage again .. I march all the way there with A1 then I lay on the bed and let go .. as L's cool hands pass across my hot back (hot from marching !) I was thinking about how 'the teacher appears when the student is ready' and feel I was meant to get RSI so that I would open myself to the gift that is L's massage.

At the end, I feel more relaxed than I think I ever have. I have maybe 1/4 mile walk home and L tells me to take it easy .. I amble all the way home (with Forever Healing) in the moment, a pick a single mandala from a hydrangea bloom and some blackberries ! I walk very slowly and I completely indulge. I arrive home, I eat and wash up also completely in the moment.

I feel amazing .. again ..