This Morning ..

.. I was aware of the laces on my trainers swinging like my arms in hanging shoulders ! and the soft breeze on my face, changing direction as I changed direction ..

So Profound

Sit with hatred until you feel the fear beneath it
Sit with fear until you feel the compassion beneath that
Do not set your heart on particular results. Enjoy positive action for it's own sake. Rest confident that it will bear fruit.
When you see violence, greed and narrow-mindedness in the fullness of it's power, walk straight into the heart of it, remaining open to the sky and in touch with the earth.

Staying open, staying grounded, remember that you are the inheritors of thousands of generations of life
Staying open, staying grounded, be confident in the magic and power that arise when people come together in a good cause
Staying open, staying grounded, have faith that the forces of wisdom and compassion will manifest through our actions for the healing of our world

When you see the weapons of hate, disarm them with Love
When you see the fortresses of narrow-mindedness, breach them with Truth
When you find yourself in dark clouds of dread, dispel them with Courage
When the forces of power seek to isolate us from one another, reach out with Joy

In it and through it all, holding to your intention, let go into the music of Life

Dance

(Taken from A Shambala Warriors Mind Training)

A Brush With My Energy Body

At Tai Chi last night, G led (for me) a most amazing meditation .. and almost certainly, I touched into the bigger energy which holds me ..

.. it all started with a straight spine and open palms on my thighs .. I had a sense of a column of white energy in my hands, rising up as far as I could see .. as this worked it's way up my forearms, it began to wrap around them, reached my belly and started to fill up my body .. at this point, the sensation in my legs changed and instead of being able to feel my hips, knees, ankles and feet individually, my legs each became like one entity. Then as G talked about being aware of the space behind, I had a sense of another me spreading her arms around me and tucking them under my arms and holding me up from behind .. I was starting to get an ache in the top of my back and this started to soften as I put my intention there and let go into the holding of these 'energy' arms .. them G rang the bells and I jumped and fell straight out, a bit disappointed to not find out how far I could let go into these supporting arms.

Wow !

The Little Boy

.. walking hand in hand with his Grandad, had a little red and purple fushia flower, they stopped, he held it up, they discussed it and they went on their way ..

Anything ..

'Anything we love can be saved'

Alice Walker

And Then Some More ..

No Longer A Learner/Always Beginners Mind On Day 31

September 22nd 2006

I woke up and due to my own doing, was suddenly under pressure to walk the dog and shower and get to my massage by 10.15am. Everything was a bit of a rush and I got lost instantly in 'things'.

The dog got a shorter than normal walk and I was in Parnall Road before I even remembered it was project day and not just any old day. Once I remembered however, I did come into the moment and look up at the trees lining the street, I saw a hanging basket full of lilac Pansys and the many different shades of green in the bushes and trees along the street. By the end of the street, I was lost once more in 'things' and just concentrating on getting back and getting to my massage on time. I did not indulge in a slow shower, just threw a bit of water and soap on me and then all of a flutter and not at all centred or rooted, got dressed and half ran to my massage .. hmmmm good start to my project day.

A new mix of Nutmeg, Ginger and Rosemary brings me to the moment and all my aches and pains ! not as bad as I thought in fact and much more relaxing than Tuesday night. I was able to let go into the touch. The oils smell lovely and L's knowing hands glide around my muscles once again invigorating and relaxing. As it comes to an end as usual I am sorry it is over.

I walk home, this time a slow amble, in the moment and not in the moment. It begins to spit with rain, I like it, I hope for more. By the time I reach home it is spotting, there are big blobs on my shirt. I make a cup of tea and help T with the trellis. The rain steadily gets more and more. I come to my room. I light 2 candles and open my window to engage with the rain. T comes to my room also, I feel annoyed. I ask him to leave, he tells me he will need my help again, I am soft, that's ok .. he leaves.

As I sit to write this, I feel I am engaging with the weather from my window for the first time in ages. I feel very sleepy and lethargic suddenly .. my muscles will be detoxing .. I drink a pint of water and feel better. I sit and draw some colour filled mandalas. It is pouring with rain now.

Mostly, I am caught in my thoughts (although I am quiet) every now and then I notice there were thoughts and I was not caught, immediately I am caught again !

After lunch, I put down the mandalas and pick up my scrapbook again. I create a few more pages and they look really good, it is going to be so nice to look back at my project in miniature. I can just glance through and be transported back to the moment, week by week.

I decide to revisit the music I listened to on the week I created the stars I sent out to the Deepeners, Robert Miles and Ambient Meditations. T has been in the garden all afternoon and so I remain completely uninterrupted. I feel like I have fully engaged with my project today and that feels good. It has become silent inside and the time has flown by. I have not been caught in my thoughts, or lost in things.

I revisit also, Jennifer Berezan's Praises For The World, the Om Tara Tuttare Ture Soha chant moves me immensely again. It is a traditional chant to the Tibetan Goddess Tara. 'It is She to whom we chant for awakening the mind, healing the body, soothing the dying, helping the dead to cross over and in the Buddhist Bodhisattva tradition, it is She who responds to the cries of the world'.

'Jasmine breeze like incense in my head
Moon high in a coal black sky illuminates my bed
The train outside my window's keeping vespers in the night
Singing praises, praises for the world

Life can make you bitter, life can turn you cold
It seems I've spent most of my own just trying to crack the code
But if I die tomorrow may the last words that I know
Be praises, praises for the world

Some predict the rapture where we all will leave this place
The chosen ones will pack their bags for somewhere out in space
But the holiest words I've ever read or thought or sung or prayed
Were praises, praises for the world'

Lyrics by Jennifer Berezan

We had gardeners pie for tea, it is 10pm and I'm not tired.

September 21st 2006

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti

Celebratory Sunset ..

.. The Tao has been so kind to me today ..

A Really Big Test

I didn't believe I could do it, like I never really believe I can do anything and I told myself 'I can do this .. I will pass my test' still not really believing ..

I start my day with some Shibashi .. Standing .. a three breath sequence of the first four excercises, finishing with pressing palms in calmness .. I felt peaceful, calm and still .. as IT looms large before me, I go about my day.

And then at around 2pm today, I did it .. maybe I really am amazing .. maybe the Tao was feeling kind !

So the 'L' plates are gone and I can nod to other bikers now and feel worthy !

The Noble Dual Carriageway

There have been 12 hours of motorcycle training over 2 days (I ask myself - why am I putting myself through this ?) I have not so far had the wish to stand properly in front of this, so I tell myself I don't know why.

The Instructors tell me, I must attempt to meet the speed limit on the dual carriageway, I am so scared, I do not feel in control .. I approach the roundabout, I feel the tension every time .. what else can I do but, sit up straight on the seat, feel my spine, open my chest, relax my arms and my shoulders and remain in the moment where all is well, soon it is over .. soon it will all be over one way or another.

After the first day, I was not as tired as I thought I would be, after the second day, I was exhausted.

I go for a massage, aching all over, some places more than others .. L goes to work, my shoulders and forearms are rigid, the muscles so tight .. she pays particular attention and although it hurts, I feel better after .. I had decided to walk, to stretch my body, as I leave, I regret that decision, as I just want to fall straight into bed. However, I take a slow amble home and dusk is just starting to arrive, the night will soon be here, the light is strange, but pleasant .. things seems to glow in the twilight .. by the time I reach home .. I feel much better .. very relaxed and the aching doesn't seem so bad somehow .. I eat tea and I fall into bed .. grateful that L has such a perfect touch (no matter what my circumstance) and grateful that I walked ..

It's Just A Push ..

This morning, while walking the dog, I walked along a street I have possibly never walked along before. There were two new build houses in the middle of all the older houses .. I was looking at the houses as I approached thinking how nice they were but how out of place they look. The front door was open and there was activity in one of the houses and there was a girl doing something in the boot of a car on the drive .. as I approached, she said, loud enough for me to hear, although not to me directly - 'What the fuck is she staring at' - I felt the reaction in me, I was hurt, I felt unfairly judged and I was afraid (of conflict) - all this happened within me in a few seconds .. as I straighten my spine, came into my body and relaxed - I felt centred and rooted - and as I drew alongside her, I looked her directly in the eye (I saw anger), I smiled a sincere and genuine (as I had let my reaction go) smile and I said 'Good Morning', she looked away and muttered quietly 'Morning' .. I passed by and remained centred (it's all just push hands).

The Deepening is awesome ........

And The Rhymes Are Still There Too ..

Where is home ?
It's in your heart
And it's been there
Right from the start

When things are tough
Or you're feeling glum
Looking this way and that
Seems there's nowhere to run

Hold onto the fact
That inside of you
There's a place of calm
Which is still and it's true

And that's all you need
When the doubt piles on in
Put your hand on your heart
And your home's there within

SH September 2006

This poem was written for my good friend and project partner P, for her travels across Canada.
Keep on trucking baby !

They Continue To Pour Out ..

  

Slightly Better On Day 30

September 13th 2006

T already walked the dog and so I came to my world more leisurely this morning. I feel quite peaceful already, although I have to do some things today which will interrupt my time and already I feel like I am cheating myself of my project day time ..

I have the intention with this in mind that I will approach these things from within and be at peace with them, rather than attack myself for allowing intrusion into my space .. they are there in my world and they can be held with project day spirit - won't that be a whole lot easier (that's heart right ?).

So I lie in my bed with the desire for the morning to come to me, then my mind races off and doesn't allow this to happen .. I might as well get up ..

T goes out for the morning. I take my time to have breakfast and sit with a cup of tea and the dog. I bring my pencils down and sit to make mandalas .. I have the urge to ring R and connect with him about the current movements in my life .. he is away for a few days, I will ring again on his return .. it's ok. I continue to make mandalas.

I have a shower and then to J's. The sun is out and the sky is grey and right now, I'm feeling much brighter and more positive.

Back at home, there isn't much time now before the dog has to go to the vets about his lumps (which are now all over his body) .. so I sit quietly in the chair and I read a leaflet I have about the Shibashi sequence .. just reading about it makes me feel peaceful.

I had intended to remain with the spirit and intention of my project day while attending the vets, I do not find this possible however as T goes with me .. we walk together and he talks all the way there !

It is almost 5pm and my project day feels a bit of a let down as I have taken so much time out already .. it crosses my mind that I won't go to Tai Chi tonight (after all, I did go last night) but something in me really wants to go and so I do, following tea, I have time for a couple of rainbow mandalas and then I make my way to Tai Chi.

As A had her baby on the weekend, she will not be teaching for a while and so V is leading the sessions. Only myself and L are there and we have a very easeful session in which V introduces the first four exercises in the Shibashi set .. I really like doing Shibashi. We started with a meditation and I really let in the quiet, I felt it spreading throughout my body as V led us through. At the end of the lesson I felt completely calm. It brought a good end to a very interrupted day.

I get home and go straight to bed, it has started to rain and is quite blowy. I feel ok. I let Tai Chi touch me and now I lay on my bed in the dark, with the traffic and the breeze billowing through the blinds. I remain in this space of awareness and peace for half and hour before laying my head down in calmness to sleep.

And Then Some Tai Chi

Tonight, G returns to Tai Chi and I am rejoining the class .. there is a wish not to fall back into old patterns and another wish for allowing some experimentation time, to feel into how it can be from here on in .. no divide between the knowing and the not knowing .. G opens the Tao Te Ching and reads at random ..

'If a country is governed with tolerance,
the people are comfortable and honest.
If a country is governed with repression,
the people are depressed and crafty.

When the will to power is in charge,
the higher the ideals, the lower the results.
Try to make people happy,
and you lay the groundwork for misery.
Try to make people moral,
and you lay the groundwork for vice.

Thus the Master is content
to serve as an example
and not to impose her will.
She is pointed, but doesn't pierce
Straightforward, but supple.
Radiant, but easy on the eyes.'

and then

'For governing a country well
there is nothing better than moderation.

The mark of a moderate man
is freedom from his own ideas.
Tolerant like the sky,
all-pervading like sunlight,
firm like a mountain,
supple like a tree in the wind,
he has no destination in view
and makes use of anything
life happens to bring his way.

Nothing is impossible for him.
Because he has let go,
he can care for the people's welfare
as a mother cares for her child'

I am touched again by this as I write .. and I feel honoured to be part of this new leg of G's journey .. of all of our journeys.

Coming Out ..

I recieve an email which shakes me out of this 'vile' place ..

'I am here
I want to and do hear your pain
I will continue to support you in getting some space from it and I care about you'

.. I try desperately to find compassion and heart to hold the part of me that fell this time .. and probably will fall again before this is over ..

All Of Us ?

.. we all have to fall at some point and then we just get back up and go again ..

Or is it just me ?

Only Fools ..

.. I take the little mandala offerings to the postbox and at the same time I take my Tax Return (which has to be in by September 30th) .. I'm not thinking straight in this crazy, bleak place .. it's in an A4 envelope and I forget the postal charges have changed .. it drops into the box and as I walk away, I realise what I have done .. a single first class stamp will no longer get it to it's destination .. shit .. now what ?

Things Are Really Bad On Day 29

September 9th 2006

I've been feeling so good for so long .. today it's all come crashing down ..

People offered me the help I so desperately want and am unable to accept in this place of bad .. I was offered 'try to stay hearted' .. I can't/won't, not today ..

I do make some mandalas and some of them, I do like .. I decide to try and connect with the bigger energy of the Deepening, by making small mandalas to make contact with my friends ..

I slip lower and lower into this dark place .. I fight with myself and finally, I find it somehow within to reach out, it helps me see again for a little while .. I cry and cry .. deeply hurting .. desperately wanting someone to know how much .. sometimes the journey is so hard and I wish I had never embarked ..

I lie in the sun with the dog a while ..

I listen to 'The Healing Pool' ..

I don't let anything touch me, nothing can penetrate the walls in this place ..

  

And Today The Barefoot Doctor Says ..

Are you willing to let go of the external effects of what you think is right for you and instead intend simply to achieve your perfect happiness and, by extension, the perfect happiness of all those you touch directly or indirectly, then surrender to the wave that will carry you there, without meddling, resisting, pushing or pulling, however painful it inevitably becomes at times, no matter the precise form that perfect happiness appears in?
Are you willing to trust the innate benevolence of the unstoppable force driving the wave to eventually deliver your perfect happiness, even if at times the pressure of the current impacts heavily on you causing you almost unbearable restriction before the release comes?
Are you willing to follow the Tao?

Or would you prefer to play it safe by clinging in resistance to the familiar, to outmoded patterns and life strategies that no longer serve you? Or try and affect a quasi-balance of the two, as we most of us do?

Eventually life makes you let go if you haven’t done so already and if you have done so already, it makes you let go some more – and that’s even before you get to do the big let-go when you die.
And it can hurt like hell at times – like having your skin stripped and your entrails yanked out.
But through the pain and its subsequent healing, you grow larger in your capacity to channel, accommodate and make peace with the yin and yang (decrease and increase) of it all – more of the pleasure, more of the pain and by and by you learn to seat yourself in the centre of the seesaw more of the time so the tipping from side to side between the two doesn’t get you too dishevelled.
You learn by and by to identify less with that aspect who experiences the up or the down and more with that unchanging part of you at the core and it’s that part of you I’m addressing when I say everything’s going to be alright – it really is.

Today's Mandalas

  

Resting On The Wind On Day 28

September 1st 2006

The dog and I walked a very lethargic walk today, my MP3 battery is flat, so there is no dance music to lift us up .. a little pink girl stopped to stroke Corbin, who wagged his tail as he snuffled around the carrier bag she had, at what looked like a loaf of bread ! She asked his name, I said 'Corbin' she said 'Hello Baba' .. 'He's lush' .. 'Goodbye' and then went on her way, so we did too. Following this, Corbin found a bone under a tree nearing the end of the walk and suddenly he found a spurt of energy as he trotted along with the bone hanging out of his mouth slobber dripping from it, charging off home to sit down and devour his find .. unfortunately, before we got home, the bone had fallen into bits and so reluctantly, he left it behind and returned to a leisurely walk home. Was I anywhere near this walk .. absolutely not .. I was lost in this thought and that thought and mostly did not even notice.

I came to my room with a cup of tea as it started to spit with rain. I decided today to light my tall thin candles, I really like them and have not used them at all yet on a project day. T wanted the PC (briefly he said) and so I came downstairs .. it is midday and there has so far not been a mandala or any type of engagement in anything in fact and as I stand by the dishwasher, I think about how my day ticks away and my life ticks away, like the dial in front of me ..



The rain begins again in big blobs making the patio wet in patterns. I sit by the back door on the floor with my tea and watch as everything gets wetter and wetter .. it is very warm ..



.. then the sun comes out gloriously from behind a cloud and there are two sides to the sky, a very blue with pure fluffy white clouds side and a very grey and heavily cloudy side. I hope for a rainbow - just for me on this project day - it doesn't happen ..








.. T finishes finally with the PC and I come back to my room. I have been sent the most awesome photograph (taken by a friend's Step Dad) of a sunset over Namibia and I had high hopes for a mandala I might make with it .. however, I decide that I cannot possibly do the photo justice and so, I simply add some hearts and reflect a while on how amazing the colours are and how beautiful the world can be .. I cannot bring myself to cut it into a circle even and so it remains beautiful just as it is.

I then proceed with coloured pencils to make more colourful mandalas. I put on R's meditation from the last Deepening meet and although I can't seem to engage with it, it does bring quiet inside.

T made some lunch and following this, I make more mandalas while listening to various music. The sun is now fully here and the clouds have passed by. T goes out and I turn off the music and sit to read a bit of my mandala book. I read through a few of the meditations and I get to the 'World Tree'. I am sitting on my sofa bed no-where near the window and the sun somehow reaches my book and is glinting on the moon in the mandala making it shimmer. I feel very quiet and peaceful.

T returns and comes up to interrupt, he sits down and makes himself comfortable to tell me about his day .. I let him talk for a while, not wishing to spoil the calm space where I was .. he shows no signs of going away and I draw his attention to the fact that it is project day and I would like him to leave my room. He does eventually go away.

I continue to read my mandala book. I read about 'a tree being taken by the autumnal wind, the leaves thrashing about, often touching, some falling to the ground' the passage says 'See this as an image of your many niggling anxieties. Imagine the wind dropping, the tree comes to stillness, gets quieter by the minute, a few leaves still flutter to the ground. The air is now motionless, all is calm. The tree is still majestic, still gloriously itself, despite the loss of many leaves. It is now so quiet, there is bird song - your anxieties have fallen away like the leaves. You are at peace' I am very touched reading this and I feel so very silent. I rest in the moment and then I look up, it is very windy outside and the Buddliea is dancing around just like the tree in the book. I watch it and I watch it, tossed left and right, bending and yielding beautifully to the power of the wind. I continue to watch, until the wind dies down and the dancing of the branches is less. Soon it is still. I am moved and am still also.

T makes tea - I remain in my room and continue to make mandalas in this quiet space of calm. Suddenly one appears which I really like.

I eat tea and then run a bath. I lie in the bath letting the hot water hold me in my tiredness, just allowing it to be what it is. After my bath, I fall into bed, by now exhausted. No time for my star, or my sky - just sleep.

Sleep - A state of natural rest - reduction of voluntary body movement, decreased reation to external stimuli, increased rate of anabolism (synthesis of cell restructure) decreased rate of catabolism (breakdown of cell structures) - sleep is necessary for life.

I'm on my way ..

Panic Or No Panic - My Choice

It was very late and there was a situation and the panic was starting to take a hold again .. I sat on the edge of the bed, straightened my spine and decided that in this moment, I could follow the panic, be swallowed by it and become lost in it .. OR .. I could chose to not do any of that and by breathing, I could remain centred in my body ..

.. I chose to breathe ..

I lay down on the bed and began to use the principles. I felt into my body, I relaxed and I felt compassion for the little me, scared to death of what might have happened .. I breathed in good things and breathed out bad things .. I breathed in knowing and breathed out not knowing .. I breathed in and out .. in and out .. letting go of what might have happened .. at first, I was loosing it over and over and each time, the panic would return .. after a while however, this stopped happening and I was completely back in control .. in my body and in the moment and I was entirely calm .. the panic was gone .. I continued to do this for 1 hour and 20 minutes and then I drifted off to sleep.

I believe this is the first time I have actually used the principles and they have worked for me .. that's progress ..