July 5th 2006
The birds outside my window wake me around 5am, I drift in and out of sleep and finally get up. There is a major bustup over the washing and I can't stand it .. one day maybe I'll be free .. one day maybe I'll just be crazy .. when I got up, everything was on an even keel, now everything no longer is.
I press play on my MP3, it is Mark Knopfler, maybe he can bring some calm to my moment. The dog and I stomp on our way, today I walk the opposite way to the school ! and the dog is behaving, bindweed is flowering in the hedges, the large white bells are pretty, even though the plant itself is evil.
As I walk, I look up into the boughs of lots of large trees I never really noticed (aware of this only since lunchtime earlier in the week).
It is still hot, although slightly cooler than recently. I feel completely pissed off with life, the universe and everything .. yesterday, I had a massage and I asked about a hard swelling I have on the inside of my foot above my instep .. I was told this is the bladder area of the foot and in metaphysical terms it can indicate being pissed off with someone or something !!!!!
I keep on walking .. the big impressive tree supply runs out.
I stop to watch a bee on a thistle.
A little boy comes out of the pub with I guess his granddad, he is carrying a sack of rubbish bigger than himself, he makes his way to the bin, he sees us, he laughs and waves at the dog .. I smile and am lifted slightly.
I walk and I walk, I'm in no rush to return home. I walk up the busy high street, the dog becomes more engaged, we speed up. A little pink girl reaches out to stroke Corbin, he's on a mission, I think it best that she doesn't, I say hello, we march on past, she looks puzzled and upset.
I cut down Park Road behind the precinct, there are more big trees which I look up into, when I do this, I find myself nowhere other than in the moment, although it is brief.
We make our way home across the field. I have relaxed a bit, several times while walking, I have straightened my spine and relaxed my body and come into the moment.
I come home, I check, there is no bread for lunch, I go to Tesco to get bread before settling down to my project. I make tea and come to my room.
I sit and draw a coloured mandala with crayons. I don't feel good. I put on a CD from the Deepening meet, it irritates me, I turn it off. I sit looking out of my window, there is a coolish breeze on me every now and then. There are lots of sweet peas on my window sill, their scent is intense. There are lots of thoughts on my mind. I have a feeling today will not be fruitful. I straighten my spine, I pull back my shoulders and open my chest. I relax my body and my mind and here in this moment, I let go of that thought. I can hear the birds, I can hear the traffic, T crunches around on the gravel below me, Corbin has just gone out for a second attempt at his breakfast. There is a helicopter somewhere, although I cannot see it.
My feet hurt, I feel sad, downhearted and very discontent. My therapist would suggest I try to express this in a mandala. I start drawing a black spiral, it feels like it symbolises me stepping into a black hole (in the middle). T comes up, I feel myself go tense, he comes in to ask if I like my bunch of sweetpeas, he says he specially arranged them, I say they are nice, he looks over my shoulder and raises his eyebrows at my spiral. He goes away.
I feel like I want to cry, I feel low and listless. It's almost midday, I have made two more crayon mandalas both of which are scribble and that's ok, I called one 'Out Of Control' and it feels like a release into my currently unstable state. I remember writing in my project proposal right at the beginning of this that, 'hopefully even chaotic scribbling can bring harmony' - today, there is no harmony.
I decide to soak my feet in my foot spa. I put my 'Raindance' CD on and lose myself in Native American Chanting as the rain begins outside and steadily I relax as my feet are soothed by the water.
Gradually, I start to feel better and let in my day.
I make a mandala for my scrapbook to reflect my opening ceremony. I draw a circle in which I trace a caricature of the wind (R says we cannot see the wind, in a mandala this doesn't matter).
I take a break for some lunch, I sit and watch the birds on the wing outside my window.
I trace a candle and a balloon (which I prepared earlier in true Blue Peter fashion). I write on all the words which I both welcomed and said goodbye to on that night. I finished by colouring it in and sticking it into the scrapbook. It is really raining hard now, T has gone to the allotment. I have moved on from American Indian chants to various 'Now T W I C Music'.
I go downstairs and open the french door, it is pouring with rain and it is mild. I sit just inside the door with a cup of tea and the rain falling in on me, this is brief as T returns.
I come back upstairs. T comes up to tell me about the leaf-cutter bees at the allotment and to show me the sugar he bought to make fudge !
I currently feel grumpy and am not looking forward to Tai Chi tonight at all. I spend ages and ages, making another scrapbook page, a poem in a mandala, a title banner, I matt the photo of the candle mandala from that night, I lose myself in it. It feels a bit like last week though, like I'm lost and not that I am touching pure, silent space inside, I do not like this movement.
I have a shower and there is another huge battle as I am made unnecessarily late for Tai Chi. I straighten my spine and let go of worrying about being late .. I will just go when I can, I will be welcomed in exactly the same way at Tai Chi.
I arrive about 15 mins late and I walk (quietly) into an already underway meditation, I am out of breath because I ran as it is still pouring with rain and I am still carrying the resentment of being made late as well as a whole day of grumpy .. I sit down on the chair which has been placed for me .. I sit there quietly, I am wet and my heart is pumping out of my chest, I have a searing pain, I squeeze my eyes tightly shut, I cry a little, take some deep breaths and gradually, I start to let go. A is moving through the body, relaxing it, letting it go. By the time I reach the end of the meditation, I am calmer and already feeling a bit better.
We pair up to give and receive back massage. I sit on the chair and am aware of not having to try and still being fully there in that moment for the touch I am receiving.
We do some warmups and we practice being 'sung' which I find very useful, as it brings awareness to a holding in my ankles. We play the form up to press and push with a partners hands on our hips giving slight downward pressure to encourage 'sung'.
In a circle at the end, A shares her hope for the group's future following the birth while she is not able to teach in the way she currently does. Something in me feels sad that I may leave this group soon. I have enjoyed moving through this (almost a year now) time with these great people. I have the intention to just go with what is right now. G does not fully know what will happen in September and so I cannot fully know what the future holds for me either.
I chat to L for ages afterwards about the recent LT meet and feel good because she is full of it and I feel very happy for her that she has been touched deeply by it and inside me, it is still right that I did not go, I am not sad I bowed out. This is another big move forward for me.
I do the washing up and then come to bed with the rain battering on my window.
Today has been a bad day and Tai Chi has still touched me.
