A Deeper Reaching Tree

The Folded Photo

Drawn (Yes, Drawn) !

Thumbs Up On Day 19

June 29th 2006

Another hot day, we went out early. Couldn't take the camera today as T was lying in wait for the perfect picture of a bee on the poppy, I think he was waiting for it to smile or something ! No matter. In the back lane, the man from the bakery was sitting on his step and he encouraged Corbin to go over which he did, I don't know what he expected, but Corbin tried to eat his trainers !! Well he didn't offer any bread rolls or cakes, if he had it might have been different.

It was a busy time, all the children were on their way to school and it was pavement rush hour, the dog was excited .. children smell nice, they smell of sweet things. He was pulling and messing and I was generally irritated as per other recent walks. Instead of using the principles, I used the choke chain and stomped through it all. When we emerged from the other side of the children, I looked at my watch, 20 mins in and I had not noticed anything, I had just been annoyed, there had been no stillness, no flowers, no fragrance, no sky .. no thing. As I became aware of this, it changed instantly and it came as a bit of a (pleasant) shock. This awareness did not last long however, soon it was gone and my walk was ticking away.

I took a detour up Radley Road as a Staffy was approaching, there were many roses, I smelled the ones I could reach, all the way up the street. Then there was a lady coming across the bridge over the cycle track with her dog. Corbin and I waited patiently because crossing paths with another dog on a very thin pavement is not wise when one of the dogs is Corbin.

We passed the disabled guy in his familiar red football shirt, we said 'Good morning' like we always do (although usually he is sitting outside the bakers eating Donuts !) and he gave us the thumbs up.

I picked a fushia bloom from a garden in my street and thought I would draw it in a mandala.

T had gone out, I hung the washing out and stubbed my toe on the dining table (obviously not at the same time). I began hopping around in pain swearing profusely. I straightened my spine and came into my body, relaxed and it was different, there was still pain and I was able to just be with it until it subsided.

I drew (yes drew !) a fushia mandala as planned and then another to reflect my mind during my busy walk earlier. Then there were a couple of others including a juggling swan ! and a spider which began as a yellow spot. I moved out onto the patio on my picnic blanket and some cushions and under my umbrella (who am I ? I'm someone who doesn't do sun). I came back in quite soon as it was too hot.

I put on some music and began to really listen to it and hear the words "This love, this love, is what living's for" .. "Somewhere we are whole, one body, one body and one mind". I was reminded of a conversation I had ages ago with a Deepener about 'Silent music'. I have lunch and then watch the birds in the garden for a while, picking up twigs and tugging at bits of grass for their nests. Inspired by these song lyrics, I make another mandala containing lyrics as they touch me now as I'm listening. T comes home, I move back upstairs to my room.

And so now, I come to more iris folding, this time of the group photo of the Deepeners which I have blown up to A4 and taken lots of copies of. Once again, I do not completely understand the instructions in the book and I start off wrong. I cut one of the photos too small and then I make the aperture in the frame too big and when I make a second frame, I stick it down in the wrong place. I get really, really irate, mostly when T comes into my room and over my shoulder says 'Why haven't you printed that on photo paper and why have you made cuts in it ?' I tell him where to go in no uncertain terms and he does on this occasion. I am sweating and bigtime grumpy, I want to cry and I recall that I felt exactly this way when I made my disastrous pom-pom in one of the early weeks .. so I calm myself (although do not use the principles - doh) and I persevere, I carefully peel off the stuck frame and I rip it and almost rip the photo too, no matter, I continue undeterred, I will deal with the frame thing later. So, I read and read the instructions and I don't get it, however, I sort of have an idea because of the folding I did last week, so I kind of make it up as I go along and soon, it's all coming together and looking like it might actually end up being exactly as it's meant to, by accident !! How clever am I ?! It is finished and I use the photo I cut too small as the final one in the middle and it doesn't matter as it is not too small for that position !! It looks like a mandala (even though not round) there is a spiraling effect moving in towards the centre .. I love it .. I am proud. So then I make another frame for the outside and stick it over the ripped one and then I make the back and take it to show T, really chuffed, probably, the most chuffed so far. He is far more impressed than he lets on, although he does say it looks good and now he understands why I made cuts in it. I feel good .. once again, it starts off heading for disaster and I make it through and it comes good.

So then I move again to my scrap book. I have had an idea for a while that I would like to make a tree with everyone's photo in the branches and so, I embark. Well, it goes quite smoothly, I have very sharp scissors now (!) and it is relatively easy to cut around the photos even though they are tiny and then with my recently acquired circle cutter, I cut rainbow coloured circles onto which I affix all the faces. The tricky bit comes trying to fit everyone's faces onto the ends of the branches of the tree I have planned to use, it is a bit of a squeeze and I also cannot figure out how to make it into a circle and I want it to be a circle. I try to get my head around it for quite a while and in the end, I take the decision to use a different style of tree.

I have to drag myself away from prolific creation to make tea .. I notice I am rushing, I want to get back to creating .. I bring myself consciously to making the tea and leave the scrapbook behind for a while.

After eating, T goes to the allotment and I bring some stuff downstairs to continue, the alternative tree works much better and soon I have roots reaching deep into the ground and a tree with the faces of my Deepening friends held in the boughs. It too looks good and I am pleased. I have moved on a bit with my scrapbooking, before I would've procrastinated for about a week before actually sticking it in, this time, I just stick it in. I take care to position it correctly and am very happy with the result.

I still have some time left at the end of my day, although I'm not sure really how as I seem to have achieved a lot today. I move to the next page of my scrapbook (don't get excited ! it's only page 3) and I make my title in gold pen on rainbow paper and again, I am bold and I stick it into position on the page.

I call it a day as the light has now faded in my room and I cannot see to continue and I do not want to use a light. On reflection, today has been a great day and I have made a lot of good stuff. I feel a little odd about it though, it feels like it has been a day of 'doing' and less of allowing. I have been using my mind and concentrating and mentally holding everything together. Although I have not been pestered by the usual pesky thoughts, I have not really been quiet inside this time. I believe this is actually the first time this has happened and it's all part of the journey right ?

So, to bed and as I lie with the gentle breeze on my skin and the cloudy sodium light polluted sky, two lights come on in the lane, my blinds are open but drawn across the window and the light coming through them casts a shadow on the back wall of my room, completely from one side to the other it looks like I am behind bars in my own private little jail cell !!

I have a night full of weird dreams.

Returning

So last night, there was a picnic, G has returned and we met to ask where do we all go from here ?

I go straight from work and I arrive really early. There is no-one in the hall, I could play some Tai Chi, however and I'm not sure why, it is not Tai Chi which calls me, it is Taekwondo which I haven't done for ages and ages.

I start with some warm ups, I play bits of some patterns I remember, I do lots of punches and kicks, my kicks get bigger and bigger, I feel great, really invigorated. I get really hot and I rest a while. Then, I play some Tai Chi, the contrast strikes me big time, it is huge, from wild, big impressive kicks and powerful, external movements - to calm, quiet and slow floating through the air, true stillness and yet still powerful, internal movement. I am struck by this more than ever before because of the contrast with my earlier movements.

My Taekwondo time was and still is up. It's Tai Chi time in my life now for sure.

G arrives and it is great to see her after so long. We play some Tai Chi as a group, I feel great, I feel part of something great. We take our picnic out onto the Downs and we share the cooling evening as a group together. M is wearing the friendship bracelet I made, I am touched and I feel a little embarrased (I thought I made them all too small !), he gives me a mandala sticker to stick where I will !!

All too soon it is time to go home.

Resting Right There

So today, well actually, not all of today, just now, I feel really grumpy, I have felt it approaching and now it is fully here. An opportunity to use the principles, I straighten my spine and come into my body (removing my crumpled and collapsed shoulders), I relax and as very often happens, I find it so difficult to engage 'heart' .. I feel the need to reach outside myself and feel like there is no-one there to reach out to. There are duties to be performed and I don't want to do them.

I read todays Doc Box and Barefoot says, 'think of something beautiful - beauty makes the soul feel light and joyful - feel beautiful and carry the beauty with you as you walk through the day'. I feel sad and I cry, right now, I can't think of anything beautiful .. 'really, nothing beautiful ? nothing ? really ?'

I see my sweet pea flowers on my desk .. they are beautiful .. so right now, my intention is to rest right there.

One To The Power Of Two

Yesterday, I played Tai Chi in the park on St Lukes Road .. it is a lovely park (although a little hilly !). I pass this park at least once a week and I usually sit for a while with myself and have the desire to play Tai Chi. I have never yet been able to, as I am not brave enough to stand up and be seen on my own.

On this occasion, I was not alone and it was not a problem at all.

We stood in the shade of the huge trees, there was a light and warm breeze, there were a few folks around and about but it was not busy. There were four magpies chasing each other around on the grass as we had the intention to do 10% less, to just let go into Tai Chi.

We did some warm ups and we played a form .. right there and then Tai Chi happened as we did not try, we just were.

It was a beautiful day and there was stillness in movement.

Then we lay on the grass and simply were some more.

And Then There Were Beans !

The Fear Of Fear

You are not some little wall flower
The only problem is the fear of fear
That's all


Lucidity, passion and dark inertia
I am not in them, they are in me
(from the Bhagavad-Gita)


Anything, absolutely anything you can be aware of, you are already greater than.


You have met the Deepening.

Richard Farmer

Mandala Iris And Stitches

Iris Folding On Day 18

June 21st 2006

It was not so warm today, I went out just in a shirt and thought I might be cold as it was quite windy, however, it was ok. I feel restless today, not really sure why.

Once again and this week, even more so, I spent the whole walk drawn outside of myself. This week for the first time in ages, I took music, I didn't really hear any of that either, just lost in shit .. what shit ? whose shit ? I don't know ..



"Spread your wings before they fall apart
Home is where the hurt is darling
Follow your heart"

"Did you try to change your life
You repeat and repeat and repeat"

Lyrics by Robbie Williams

I was going to write, nothing happened on my walk and I can hear R saying 'Nothing happened .. really ? Nothing happened ? Nothing ?' and well, I noticed a fuscia which was in flower and wasn't last week and I plucked from it a bloom and I noticed that huge hydrangea flowers are made up of many little mandalas .. and so, I guess it wasn't completely nothing .. oh and I picked a few of the tiniest pink and yellow flowers from the lane just before I came in the gate ..

I came to sit in my room, I pressed my tiny flowers. I had to tidy my desk as I couldn't see it, much less put my journal or anything to create on it. I spent a while sorting bits of paper and card .. quite rewarding in itself and underneath, there is still a desk !

I have continued with my music, haven't had any at all on project days for several weeks and today, I feel like it, nothing special, just anything which arises - put my MP3 on and just pressed play, what will be, will be.

My sky is very grey and cloudy and the wind has picked up. I have a headache.

I light my pillar candle and sit to write my journal. I decide to try some iris folding today. The book says 'Simple Iris Folding' !! Good job .. well as usual, I can't figure it out at first, it doesn't seem clear, the picture is rubbish (I'm beginning to think it might be me !!) and I continue anyway and soon, it starts to look ok, ahhh, now I get it .. I finish my first sucessful iris fold and blimey it looks bloody amazing (R told me there was no end to amazing) - I did not realise I was so clever !! I make another and am swallowed by my silence once more.

I sat in my room to eat my lunch with Will Young and 10cc, the sun has come out.

I made another iris fold and then I moved on to stiching a star .. that was simple and looks great too. I made another and another. I have been for the very first time, 'making' birthday presents for a couple of people, I decide to include my iris folding and my stitched stars.

T has gone out for the afternoon and I decide to stay in my room this time, I have all my stuff around me and I don't want to bother to drag it all downstairs.

I move on to stitching a circle of my own creation, I decide to give this away too. I am getting so much better at letting go, this is beginning to move into my life also and without question that is because of the Deepening.

T cooked tea tonight, apparently, I burnt the garlic last week ..

I have had a very touching email today thanking me for the bracelet and the mandala. The thank yous are not why I do it and they do make me feel good. I am blessed once again by the people I now know.

It's the longest day today, how cool is that, that I get to do my project on the longest day !! Just a thought !!!!!

I played around finally with some ideas for my scrapbook .. I ended up with a really perfect title for my launch night. I looked through a couple of my books and went to bed with the summer solstice sky at 10.30pm. It was quite windy again and quite cold and I lay watching for a while as the tree next door cast moving shadows on my wall when the lights around it were on.

The Fearless Crow Followed By The Spine

Today, I walked the dog, we crossed the playing field across the way, there was a baby crow, obviously just fledged, hopping along inches from my feet, he was interested in us, but not scared, there was squawking, the parent was hopping also, down the tree, lower and lower through the branches, until it came upon the innocent pigeon in the lowest branch .. it sat just above the pigeon squawking continuously in it's ear (I'm guessing pigeons have ears obviously, as I do not know for sure !) .. the pigeon just moved it's head (ear) back a bit (presumably so the squawking was quiter !) they both stood their ground as the baby hopped away into the distance.

There was tension on the next playing field, as I turn around and come face to face with a black labrador sporting a red and white spotted neckerchief, Corbin doesn't see him .. in the moment, nothing has happened .. I feel my spine .. R is right .. something is different .. the dog is called back and he disappears .. all is well.

Let Me Tell You A Story ..

.. about a woman and a man ..

Lyrics by Billy Joel

Love

Today on the way to work, I stopped briefly at a set of traffic lights and alongside me stopped a blue megane .. there was a guy and his gal with the windows wound down, they sang with a passion 'All you need is love' .. the lights went green, away we went .. as we approached the roundabout, I passed them and caught The Beatles on their radio 'Love is all you need' .. they were gone !

Oh .. And A Pretty Damn Fine Scrapbook !

A Single Petal Flower And Just Three Mandalas Today

Scrapbooking On Day 17

June 16th 2006

It is going to be hot again and so, the dog and I set off early. We managed today, to walk almost entirely without being there in the moment.



At the top of the Causeway, we were attacked by a Jack Russell whose lead was trapped in the front door, presumably so that she could have a nice leisurely stroll around the front garden. She was on the opposite side of the road, but not for long, as soon as she saw Corbin, she started going mad, spinning wildly, around and around on the lead and soon was no longer trapped in the front door and was instead barreling across a busy little road on the attack .. I was cursing and wishing I had walked a different way .. why me, why do these things always happen to me ? I tried to drag Corbin along, but this dog was trying to hump him and biting his back legs and well, Corbin wasn't very happy and started getting a bit pissy (understandably so !), at this point the owner, realising that the dog had escaped, shouted from the front door, 'Sorry, sorry, I'm just getting me shoes' .. then she had to get her door key ! and by this time, Corbin was sitting down in a piss and the other dog, who had taken a toilet break and allowed me to use the intermission to drag Corbin a few yards down the road, was steaming in for a second go, teeth bared ready for a fight .. the owner was calling 'Miffy, Miffy, come back Miffy' - Miffy wasn't haven't any of it .. 'Sorry, sorry, I'm coming, just hold her there a minute'.. I was kind of in a state of disbelief, this woman had behaved completely irresponsibly with her dog and now wanted me to 'hold her there a minute', if I had not have been with Corbin, or course, I would have done so, but to 'hold her there a minute' whilst she was attacking my dog did not seem entirely fair. Finally, the owner got to us and managed to grab her dog .. apologising profusely, I told her she should be more careful because her dog could have been run over .. I was not angry .. just glad that Corbin had not retaliated, if he had it would have been a different story.

This attack was on my mind the whole walk and I did not recover until almost the end, there was a huge X in the sky where the water vapour from two aeroplanes had crossed over each other .. I thought, X marks the spot ! the spot for what ?? I took a photo.

I walked past a bush with purple flowers, the petals were not separate, they were all one big mandala. I crossed the bridge over the cycle track and noticed the elderflower blooms are becoming very subtle, I guess starting to go over now.

I got home and after barging into my room disrespectfully as always, T went out.

I put my notes in with the bracelets and the rainbow mandalas from a few weeks ago and I went to the Post Office to post them.

I rang R and talked to him about bowing out of the Living Transformation. Before the Deepening meet, I could not decide, I really wanted to go and then I really did not want to go, I talked to R at the Deepening, he said he completely understands. Since my return and the hugeness of the meet, no part of me wants to go anymore. It's not that I do not want to be on the LT, I do, it is another great gift, it's just that, I no longer want to be on the LT at the same time as the Deepening, it is too much. When I initially asked could I go, I had at that point not engaged with my project and the Deepening was at that point not in my soul. My project has become a huge part of my life and the recent Deepening has blown my mind and I want to rest with what happened without blasting off into another huge learning experience. Maybe if R runs the LT again, I will go, maybe I won't. R is cool with it and agrees that it is right for me not to continue.

I also talked to R about when the shit hits the fan, as it has done this last week, he said bring my spine into alignment and something will change .. that's all .. just exercise the muscle .. it's so hard to do and I forget, forgive when you don't do it he said and celebrate when you do and then just keep on practicing. He said it's about allowing these things and being there with them.

Now I sit and look out at the boiling hot day, the dog is up on his bench covered in Factor 12, cos he burnt his pink bits once already. Do I feel peaceful ? today, I don't really know.

I had lunch and then lay on the floor in the dining room with my A3 pad, my compass and coloured pencils. A couple of mandalas arose from this space and something does not feel right.

I have been searching for weeks, months even, for a scrapbook suitable for the reflection of my journey. This week, I finally found one, a beautiful lavender handmade paper scrapbook and 50 pages of rainbow coloured cardstock !!

I am raring to go, this is why today does not feel right .. I feel like I want to start creating my scrapbook, after all I have 17 weeks of reflection to catch up on ! I have resisted all day until now, after all 'this is a mandala project' not a scrapbooking project and so 'I must make mandalas' !!

Well, poppycock .. it's all creation and it's not about doing it's about allowing, so I'm going to start allowing my scrapbooking in.

Well done me .. I have had a great afternoon, cutting and sticking and loving the pure space once more .. and to boot, it looks great. I only have a title page so far and maybe a couple of ideas, so by my current estimation, it will be complete in about a billion years and hey so what, there's no rush right, I have the rest of my life and I'm loving it.

The real mandala today was my scrapbook and I think I have had the most fun so far .. I think I was born to be creative ! (never thought I would say that) - lovin' it .. lovin' it .. lovin' it .. and then some.

I didn't really want to and did manage to drag myself away for a small while to cook tea and eat strawberries for afters with honey .. yummmm.

Continued with my scrapbook until the 'Big Brother eviction' at 10pm .. Big Brother is such a pile of junk, it is trainwreck TV, sometimes it is like watching the monkeys at the zoo, or a bunch of kindergarten children in school and for some reason this time around, I find myself wanting to watch it (who am I ? I am someone who doesn't even watch TV) .. I mean, sure, I could live my life without it .. and tonight I want to see the manipulative, back stabbing and bitchy Grace leave and so I do, for half an hour, I do .. am I drawn out of my centre, maybe, I don't know ..do I feel like I cheated, absolutely not .. today has been a great day and once again, I have taken the stand before many things and moved on to another point 'A'.

In bed, it is hot, the window is open and that tiny star which visits sometimes looks down at me, winking now and then as it makes it's passage across my awesome sky.

Lights out .. I feel good

Out Of Control

It has been a tough few days all told, until then, I was managing to hold it all together, now I am lost once more in the midst of myself. This time however, although I am lost, it is not dark and I am still soft.

At Poulstone, 'life' goes away and it is easy to 'let go', it is easy to come into the moment and truly be there with myself. As this Deepening journey has progressed, at Poulstone, I have even become aware of a beauty within myself which I never dreamed was there ..

.. and ..

.. real life is not like that, shit happens, sometimes lots of shit happens, sometimes it happens all at once and I have to hold it or I fear I will fall apart.

This time since the Deepening meet, I am choosing not to take the easy option and slide into the familiar darkness in the pit of myself.

I am choosing to be with how I feel, shit has happened and I am in it, I am battered and it hurts and this time I have not turned away and gone underground. I stand with the pain and the hurt, let it do it's worst, this is the way to healing.

So the rocks have been thrown
And my cover has been blown
There is glass on the floor
As I turn for the door
I decide, I won't leave
I will stand here and grieve
For it is what it is
If I run, I will miss
An opportunity to heal
All the pain that I feel
No quick escape anymore
No longer will I abhor
What I am in the night
I am heading for the light
I will be great
Stand up so straight
And be me

I'm here to be seen
Fuck it

SH June 2006

A Black And White Bean !

My Deepening bean is a monster and I am in awe of the amount of flowers, presumably each one will be a bean ! They smell like washing powder !

The power of growth !!

The Sweet, Sweet Smell Of A Rose

This did not start, it is not finished and tomorrow is no different from today.

Richard Farmer

The Many Sides Of A Circle

Hearts All Over - Blobs - A Chinese Dragon

The Freedom To Draw At Last - Day 16

I came home tired last night not feeling sure at all about my project this week .. how can it ever live up to this last week at Poulstone .. too much expectation .. too many thoughts .. I went to bed with the window open, a cool breeze on my face, distant traffic on the Causeway, a misty moon .. I knew it would be ok.







June 7th 2006

At 4am, there is light pouring in through the window, there is birdsong .. I go back to sleep, I feel at peace.

It will be hot, the dog and I set off early. Not 100 yards down the street, there is a flyer on the traffic light 'Beautiful People', I have just spent a week in the arms of these people.

Further on, a man is cycling down the pavement, irritation rises up in me as he should be on the road, the pavement is for pedestrians (and dogs), he cycles past me, there is a small (maybe 2 or 3 years old) child in a seat on the back, with his crooked little blue cycle helmet, he looks directly at me and smiles the most beautiful smile, I melt away, the irritation leaves me .. the man cycles away, the boy twists and turns in his seat so he can see me .. there is one more glance and another smile .. I wave at him, he waves back .. they are gone .. what a lovely start to the day.

We walk on, the dog is being a pain in the ass trying to eat everything he sees (including cigarette butts and a squashed and dusty orange juice carton), I shout at him 'No', I am so irritated by him, he walks for a while with his ears down flat, he knows he is naughty .. soon he forgets and so do I. There is a conversation with a scaffolder who waits patiently for us to cross the road and then asks the same old questions 'What's his name' ? 'How old is he' ? I say 'Corbin' (cos that's his name !) and '6 and a half', he says '6 and a half months' ? I say 'No, 6 and a half years' he raises his eyebrows (the scaffolder not Corbin) as if he doesn't believe me and says 'Well, he's nice' Corbin wags his tail at the man, it's nothing personal, he wags his tail at pretty much everybody and if they have a biscuit he wags his whole body.

Outside Woolworths there is another man and his small son, the son is lagging behind, the man sees us, I watch the fear rise up in his eyes as he spins around and calls to his son, 'Ron, Ron, Run to me boy', the boy looks up but doesn't respond, Corbin and I walk calmly past, the boy says as his Dad reaches out for him 'It's ok, I'm not scared of dogs Dad' !! I am reminded of R's story about the cobras.

We are home much earlier than normal, I sit at my window to write my journal. I remember writing many weeks back 'It is a glorious spring day - it is the deepest of winter in my heart' things have moved on, it is a glorious summer day, it feels good to be alive and currently it is summer also in my heart.

The birds sing in the trees, the soft breeze on my face, I sit quietly. I am moved by the trees in the wind and the glint from a huge dragonfly which just went by my window. I feel like I have arrived at point 'A' and I look forward to my next point 'A'.

I stamp hearts in a circle and paint them rainbow colours, I make a chinese dragon by complete accident, folding paper onto paint, I elaborate on the accident .. I make a circle filled with paint dots - before I would have said these were of no note .. today they are all part of my journey.

I have lunch, I wash up, I used to hate washing up, these days it is mostly ok as I do it at the speed of my grace and with Tai Chi.

I read through the 3 months of journal I wrote for R a year ago, I remembered there being no Tai Chi, on reflection, there was a lot. These days there is even more as it begins to move me and my life. I look up at the vast sky and think how awesome life is.

The sun beats down, the sky appears still, a wasp comes to my window but decides not to come in. I watch a pigeon flap madly up, up, up and then open his wings and soar, coasting down, down, down, to begin again - full and empty !

T goes to the allotment, I go downstairs with my stuff, I want to make a mandala to remind me of my Poulstone week, to reflect in a mandala rather than with words.

While I was at Poulstone, I let go of not being able to draw .. I try to draw what I see and get frustrated because the marks on my page do not resemble what my eyes see, (for all of my life so far) I've not been able to get over this and now I really feel like I have, my drawing is the same and it doesn't matter anymore that it doesn't look as I intend. This mainly came about because of M, who drew a sharp robin with big red breasts and teeth, followed by a bear from a dream which looked like a food processor (but it had a big furry body and lots of eyes !).

I made my circle with seven segments (one for each day) and drew pictures to reflect my week, it is finished and I do not hate it, I think it is awesome and I can step through each day and remember.

T returned, he had said he would get courgettes for tea, he did not. I make my way to Tesco to get courgettes, I take my noble spine and all is well. I buy me a crunchie icecream in celebration of the glorious day and my first successful drawing expedition. I get home, we don't have any lemons either, I return to Tesco, I had the urge to run (like I mostly do), I rest in the moment, I do not run, all still is well. There is a magnificent cloud it is very grey and the sun strikes out dramatically all around the edges, like it is gilded.

I make food with courgettes, lemon and freshly picked basil from the greenhouse .. I shower .. I make my way to Tai Chi.

We play with energy, we play the form to cross hands while watched and held by a partner, we talk about the power of Poulstone and the love which is there, we talk about RDTC in the future without the Deepening. Feeling good, I get home at 9.30pm.

I go to bed, the guys in the flat across the way are singing along loudly and drunkenly to 80s songs ! 'I need your love .... Nothing compares to you .... Show me heaven .... I would do anything for love ....' I bathe in moonlight from the window, my skin is silver. I feel the happiest I have felt in years .. the singing rocks me to sleep.

I have a bad dream, I am on a runaway train going faster and faster - AN is the driver, he cannot stop it .. I wake up .. there is no train .. the singing has stopped.

Everything Remains Quiet Inside

I returned from Poulstone late on Friday night .. to find, a rock through the greenhouse and four broken panes of glass .. a neighbour's misplaced football and the little plastic shelter housing newly sprouted vegetables split, the tiny plants are squashed .. it's not that I don't care .. it is what it is ..

Saturday .. still feeling quiet, so quiet inside .. feeling no need to reach outside myself and no real need even to speak over much, I had to do various things and I did them within this beautiful place of amazing. Drawn out slightly later on when T put me on the phone to my Dad (who has never and will never understand me) who said 'So was Kung Foo good ?' I didn't make a big deal. Starting to feel a little isolated in my joy.

Sunday .. another glorious day .. I sit at the side of the house with a mandala of candles (one for each Deepener 20 candles), this time it is not windy .. I sit and I sit, the sun on my face, the dog by my side .. I do not know the time .. I sit for ages and ages .. one by one the candles go out, some burnt to the bottom of the wick, some blown out by the breeze. I want to sit until the last candle goes out, time ticks on there are 4 candles remaining .. I am going to my parents for lunch, do not really want to go and I know at some point I must re-engage with life .. I check the time .. I have been sitting for almost 2 hours .. alone and silent .. ain't life grand ...

A Deeper Reflection

How can I reflect on the Deepening meet and express my feelings effectively

'The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao'

My heart will always remember

Fucking Hell ..

The Master doesn't try to be powerful
Thus he is truly powerful
The ordinary man keeps reaching for power
Thus he never has enough

The Master does nothing
Yet he leaves nothing undone
The ordinary man is always doing things
Yet many more are left to be done

The kind man does something
Yet something remains undone
The just man does something
And leaves many things to be done
The moral man does something
And when no one responds
He rolls up his sleves and uses force

When the Tao is lost, there is goodness
When goodness is lost, there is morality
When morality is lost, there is ritual
Ritual is the husk of true faith
The beginning of chaos

Therefore the Master concerns himself
With the depths and not the surface
With the fruit and not the flower
He has no will of his own
He dwells in reality
And lets all illusions go

Tao Te Ching


.. this last week, I have been on a remarkable journey .. a journey with my fellow travellers on the Deepening, many of them now true heart friends, people very different from the friends I have had in the past ..

.. there are no words to express the great honour I feel, firstly to be a representative of the Rising Dragon Tai Chi school out there in the world, secondly and even more so, to be lucky enough to have been given the opportunity to be part of Deepening VII .. I am thankful for so much and I feel amazing .. R said to me as we hugged yesterday 'There is no end to amazing' ..

I return and am quiet inside .. and as I rest in this beautiful place of amazing .. I can not bring myself to be distracted by my PC for long .. not even to write for my weblog, which has become a very integral part of my continual journey with life and with Tai Chi .. I will come back here to reflect soon enough .. and for now .. ..

.. .. I am amazing .. ..

SH June 2006