Regarding Pigeons

A fellow Deepener yesterday told me, they had watched a pigeon who was truly in the moment, he flew down in a paved area, there were three twigs, he picked up the first twig, it wasn't the right twig for him, he moved on to the second, it too wasn't the one for the job, he flew off with the third twig .. !

We were discussing whether or not pigeons are ever anything other than in the moment ?


Now the thing is, although I'm only guessing, I'm pretty certain we would never have had this conversation, had we not embarked on this Deepening adventure !

Snow Is Great

Tie-Dye Sky

I was at work yesterday evening around 5.30pm and there was Tai Chi, right there in the sky.

Again, right in the centre of the city, the most beautiful red tie-dye sky with many nebulous clouds.

I could've taken the most amazing photo and I was at work, so that was a no go .. yet more impermanence I was forced to allow.

So the beauty was there and then it moved on.

Touching The Void

Wow ..

At the last Deepening meet I was given a video tape and told that it's a must see.

Well, this was not an incorrect statement. I have now watched the film and it was indeed truly amazing. My mood became sombre as I reflected that I would never be able to find the resource in me to strive on and on like Joe did throughout his nightmare, I know I would've just stayed there in the crevasse, given up and died.

From The Top Of The World

If It's Time, Just Wait A Moment Longer

I came home and put on a CD, some mandalas came out of this morning's inspiration. There were lots of hearts (one with a mirror in the middle). There were suns, moons, hands, clouds, energy balls, eyes, bolts of lightning, doors and locks (but no keys !).

I tried to draw the circles I was feeling in 'Step Forwards, Deflect Downwards, Intercept and Punch' .. it was very unsatisfactory ! I had to let it go.

Inspired

Today, R visited Bristol, to support the practice group further while G is away. It was a most excellent morning, not least because of the venue - check the picture (courtesy of the lone photographer at the event - gracias MG).

It was in the Terrace Room in The Barton Hill Settlement. So, in the centre of the city, we were on top of the world.

R talked about the difficulties with practice and who it is that is practicing. The one who is trying to practice will probably not find nourishment there, the one who allows practice to arise, allows the opportunity to engage. When I 'try' to practice because I 'should' it doesn't work. If however, I call myself some other way and come right here into this moment, then just maybe Tai Chi will arise from within me and only sometimes.

I felt like I was riding the energy ball when we were pressing palms, this exercise I can normally take or leave, as it does not move me - today it did.

R made reference to 'Hands Touching The World', for me the most significant thing he said the whole morning.

We played some form and there were questions from a few people regarding certain postures in the form.

Leading hands and circles, relaxed shoulders and open chests.

It Was ...

... a hippopotamus with frogs legs running backwards ...

... And Now ...

... a mole with a huge boxing glove

I've Started So I'll Finish

Since 'the ball', I've made quite a few mandalas, I'm quite pleased with them and I really like my rainbow heartbeat.

I cooked courgettes with pasta and pesto for dinner and followed it with fruit and meringues.

I decided to finish the day off with a bath. I lay there for long enough to go wrinkly and then washed in my Dove Bodywash which makes my skin really smooth. I took ages to wash and to really smell the scent of the lather on my skin and to take pleasure in it's touch.

Someone said to me the other day that feet are horrible .. I don't agree and I really quite like my feet and now they are all soft (and wrinkly).

So now, to my lava lamp to see what will appear in the wax tonight and then to the land of mandala dreams.

Four Leafed Centre - Energy Ribbon Flames Rising

Rainbow HeartBeat - Dark/Light Sun/Moon

The Art Of Melancholy

Seems Like Only Yesterday - Day 2

February 24th 2006

The dog and I went out again this morning. We met a small boy who was very excited to see us, he said he used to have a German Sheppard crossed with a Bull Terrier and when we asked 'Was it white ?', he replied 'No .. it was German Sheppard coloured' (obviously !), it just had a head and legs like Corbin. Anyway, he had to go to school and Corbin needed a poo, so we both had to go .. catch ya later small boy.

It snowed a bit and the wind was icy, but we didn't care. The sky was grey and bright white. I didn't take my music today, I decided to just be there in the moment, not sure I actually achieved this too much however.

We were almost back and I was singing 'It's So Easy' and so decided todays first CD would be Buddy Holly. Back home, I had a new Joshua Kadison CD through the post this morning, so I changed my mind and played that first, Buddy Holly got relegated !

I warmed my slippers in the microwave, lit some candles, then spent the morning making a woollen ball ! The winding of the wool was ok, I felt calm and peaceful .. I had lunch .. after lunch I finished my winding.

I came to cut and tie the wool into a finished pom pom .. my scissors were not sharp enough .. I couldn't cut it, I tried different pairs of scissors, I still couldn't cut it, I went back to the best pair. My hand was hurting, my temperature was rising, I was getting seriously pissed off, I felt my mood changing. I used the first and second principles and this helped, however, everytime I started to cut, I lost it and after a while, stuff the principles, I just wanted it all to be over.

Eventually, I did manage to cut all the way around the ball, my hand was red and I was hacked right off with life itself. Then I went to tie it with a nice piece of cord I have, this wasn't working, the cord was too slippery and wouldn't tie in a knot, all the wool was moving around and it was in danger of all ending up on the floor .. I was mad and sad and wished I had not embarked on this particular journey ! Although I had intended to make many of these balls and string them together in a big mandala, that went out the window, I'm never making another .. ever ..

I did then manage to tie it with another piece of wool, although, I didn't do it properly and did not tie it tight enough around the middle, so bits of wool keep falling out and it's all uneven and I hate it. My first 'rubbish' creation.

I really needed to let this go, or it would spoil my entire day.

I decided to turn off my music and sit. I came into my body, straightened my spine, relaxed and felt better already. I tried to hold the experience with heart .. and well .. I don't know about that one still.

I sat with a meditation CD of crystal singing bowls, I calmed down and I was dropping in .. birds were twittering outside my window, my wind chimes were tinkling in the breeze, the sun was on my face.

During the meditation, I had an image appear in my head of a dark three pointed shape and a red ribbon of energy, like flames rising up.

Following the meditation, I decided, I could just get some sharper scissors !!! Is that heart ?

Impermanence

I have a lava lamp in my room and it's a great lesson in impermanence.

Once the wax is molten and moving freely, I get bored. I like it more when the wax has just begun to move and it shoots up in columns from the base, I never fail to see impressive shapes and pictures in the columns of wax.

Tonight there is a Prince and Princess in an embrace.

I tried to draw them and of course I can't draw and my picture looks like .. well, it doesn't look like anything, least of all like the wax couple before me .. so I have to let it go as the wax becomes more and more molten and the image fades away to become something else.

The Power To Change The Future ?

Invoking The Embodiment Of Compassion

The Wicked Witch Of The EastWest !

Blue

In the basement of Blue
There's a picture of you
Your spirit so true

Bringing rest and cool air
It is calm and slow there
To contemplate and to think

Still waters run deep
It's of peace that you speak
With integrity, purpose

With honour, so sincere
Cooling, calming
It's becoming so clear

Virtuous, Harmonious
Faithful, Peaceful and
Serene

SH February 2006

At The Beginning Of Creation ...

Finally Out Of The Starting Blocks - Day 1

February 16th 2006

The Dog and I went for our first 'Project Walk'. We stopped to speak to the lady on the bus stop who used to know a bull terrier called Mollie, she didn't have any biscuits though, so we weren't really interested.

The sky was dark and it was bright

There was sun and there was lots of rain

We got wet and deep down, we were dry

I was there in the moment and I was not there at all

After our walk, I went to the shop, I bought Milky Bar. Milky Bar and I have been apart too long. I bought flowers, I waited to see which flowers would call to me, did I want red, white, lilies or chrysanthumums ? Some deep orange carnations in the centre of the bucket caught my eye, I tried to pull them out by the plastic wrapper, that was fine but the flowers were holding on. I dipped deeper into the bucket and took them by the stems, they agreed they would come.

I made a mandala of chocolate, flowers and candles .. I used candles from my opening ceremony and lit them with LOVE.

Drinking tea, eating Milky Bar, gazing at flowers and candles, listening to melodious mountains, Heaven is shaped like this right ?

Of course it does help that T has gone out for the day, did he do that for me ? The patterned and defensive me doubts it very much, the right here in this moment me likes to think he did.

So, downstairs in the freedom of the dining room with my welcome, the clouds and the rain, I created a mandala, I called it 'My Dog And Me'. I drew around my bare foot, cut round this shape and added toe nails ! I scanned this into the PC with a green background and shrunk it so it was tiny. I printed a streetmap of the area we walked, I put two maps together to make a circle and cut this out. I glued many little bare feet onto the map along our route. I made a green background for my map and finally added the dog's foot prints too.

I read about Orange in my colour therapy book - out of the pages jumped 'Orange removes inhibitions and psychological paralysis that occurs when people are afraid of moving forwards" !!

I had lunch with Kenny G and I coloured a mandala from a book, the dog helped keep me warm by falling asleep on my legs with his head on my lap. I found myself singing 'I'd like to teach the world to sing' and this led to an ABBA CD !!

T came back, was it all over ? No .. I made him a cup of tea and said I would cook pasta soup for dinner later. I gathered up my things and came to my room.

It's all good so far ....

I finished my day with pasta soup, some New Age music and a foot massage.

Clear Vision

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart
Who looks outside, dreams
Who looks inside, awakens

Carl Jung

My Candle Mandala

My Candle Mandala on project launch night

The Road To Mandala Project Launch Night - Valentine's Day

In true 'me' stylee, this was a bit of a disaster, however, I feel like I have been able this time to hold onto the essence of it and that feels ok.

Like most project related things so far, it feels like it was right to do this tonight, then I remembered it was Valentine's Day, how apt ! It was very windy and my launch involved many candles !! The principles were right there and they saw me through. It was tough and I lived it ! I was alive, not just surviving.

I began with a short meditation on things I wish to nurture and bring to my life through the project and also things I would like to let go of. This was interrupted only 5 mins in, not just a little bit interrupted but completely interrupted with a lack of respect and understanding. I got upset, I shouted, I turned it in on myself and then, I let go of it .. what was the point in sabotaging my evening, it was meant to be, I wanted it with all of me .. so I let it go and once the interruption was gone .. I carried on. My meditation was unsettled, so I moved on to the next part of the launch.

I created cardboard spills on which I wrote the following words ;

FORGIVENESS AWARENESS JOY FREEDOM HONOUR HARMONY HOPE PEACE CLARITY A SMILE HAPPINESS BOUNDARY COMPASSION SECURITY LIGHT COMPANIONSHIP UNDERSTANDING LAUGHTER SPACE SPIRIT STABILITY MINDFULNESS POSITIVITY ALLOWING CREATIVITY GROWTH HEALING ACCEPTANCE STILLNESS STRENGTH PASSION HEART & LOVE

These all symbolise things I wish to encourage and bring more of to my life throughout my project and beyond. In colour therapy, I have learned that green is the colour of heart, so I wrote these words in green.

I also made a small paper balloon (by folding a square), on this balloon I wrote 'I AM LETTING GO - FEB. 2006' and I made tiny cards, on which again in green, I wrote the following words ;

FEAR HOLDING ON FRUSTRATION GUILT LONELINESS ANGER DEPRESSION BITTERNESS ABUSE HATE VICTIM ANXIETY CONFLICT SADNESS RAGE JEALOUSY DISAPPOINTMENT DARKNESS THE PAST CONTROL WEAKNESS ABANDONMENT & FAILURE.

These all symbolise things I wish to let go of from my life throughout my project and beyond.

After a deep in breath, I inflated the balloon with my out breath holding these words and my intention to 'let go' in my awareness. I then posted each little card into the balloon, as each one dropped in, I said it aloud. The last word I dropped in was FEAR, I decided to make another FEAR card and I dropped that in too.

Now armed with head torch, camera to mark the occasion, 33 candles (one for each spill) and my balloon filled with letting go, I went into the garden. There is a large concrete area at the side of the house, here I laid out the candles in a mandala. I had a green candle from which I intended to light the spills, with which I was to light the candles in the mandala, however, it was too windy and the green candle would not stay alight, so in the end, I put a tea light in a plastic tub and then I sat in the mandala with my spills (which kept blowing away !) and my flame.

As I sat in front of the first candle in the mandala, I lit my green candle from the donor tealight in the tub whilst saying 'I light this candle with ... ' using my first spill word. From the green candle, I lit the first spill whilst saying 'I light this spill with ... ' From the spill, I lit the candle in the mandala again while repeating 'I light this candle with ... ' I then moved to the next candle in the mandala and repeated the process for the next spill word, first lighting the green candle from the tealight, then lighting the spill and finally lighting the candle in the mandala.

It was so windy, each of the candles in the mandala soon went out, it did not seem to matter. I continued on around the mandala, lighting the green candle, the spill, and the candles in the mandala.

By the time all the candles had been lit, I had endlessly rescued my spills, my notepaper and my letting go balloon, as they continually blew around. Sometimes they were wet as they had blown into a wet puddle nearby. I had used more than a box of matches ! None of this mattered, it was all part of it.

The last candle I lit in the mandala was lit with LOVE, I purposely left this until last. I held my letting go balloon in my hands and lowered it over the LOVE candle in the mandala, I kept saying 'I let go with LOVE' and soon the balloon was alight.

I watched as the balloon burned, the LOVE candle and the balloon were in the plastic tub (because of the wind) and it wasn't very long before the plastic tub caught fire and I had a (small) but raging inferno !! I felt my fear rise up and I fought with the fear for a while, what's the worst that can happen ? It will burn itself out .. right ? In the end, my fear got the better of me and a threw a bucket of water over the fire, it fizzled and popped and then it was gone.

Briefly, I felt like I'd spoiled the end .. then I let that go too.

I gathered up my spills (each one extinguished after the lighting of the mandala) and my candles and came back inside.

In my sacred space I re-lit each candle in turn. I now only had 32 candles as the final LOVE candle was frazzled in the tub fire ! This did not matter either, I used the green candle for LOVE and I lit this one last, as I blew each one out, I repeated their associated word once more.

I then sat to write about my evening. By now there was rain and the wind has picked up even more. The rain was pounding on my window and my candles, spills and balloon had done their job. I had done my job.

I have launched my project, although it was windy, I did not get wet.

I am blessed by MANDALA

SH February 2006

The Deepening Meet

For me, this weekend was most excellent and far better than I had expected. I feel like I went to Poulstone in the same low place as I did in October and that a weekend would not be long enough to pull me out. Well, I must've been ready to take it on, because I feel like I stepped into the house and all my shit dropped off. I felt lighter and welcome and loved.

We did some great stuff and obviously a lot of project related discussion went on. It became clearer for me that my project is not about creating the mandalas, although obviously that is the vessel I will use. It is actually about the space, the separation and the inner quiteness I will be nurturing. There are many exciting projects in the group and some great titles !

R introduced to us the Mandala of Being, which for me was a very useful concept. He also agreed to me going on the Living Transformation in March. This feels important too, like it's time for me to do this work and to be dipped more often at Poulstone is a good thing.

I surprised myself at how I was able to let go of all my shit and 'be there' fully for the weekend and all it's gifts.

I look forward immensely to my project and know big time from here on in I will need to hold myself and go gently with love.

Dear R

After contemplation of the points in R's letter ...

This is a pilgrimage back to who I really am, back to the person I was meant to be before all the layers got added, before all the defence mechanisms came to be. I hope to become more loving and tender especially towards myself, more open and more positive. I want to head toward living life again instead of not living it and not wanting to live it.

This project because it offered itself to me, as did the name. It pushes my buttons and yet has drawn me in anyway.

I want to be able to hold and comfort myself and know that 'to be' is enough.

I intend to let go, let go of not knowing how and of not being able to do this. Let go of my 'this will be rubbish' and my individual fears as they arise.

I have created a sacred space and will invite myself into the weekly gift with candles, music, indulgence and quietness.

I intend to engage for an evening, the following day and through until the following morning with this spaciousness which I am going to allow.

Every time, I intend to sit and just see how I feel and go from there. I have some mandalas to colour, some books to read, many ideas about things I want to create, paper things, woollen things, papier mache things, drawn things, painted things. I have collected many different creative materials with which to experiment and allow. Meditation and space will be at the centre of my project days.

The principles will be needed all around this project.
I'm going to have to hold myself through the creative aspect which I have never been any good at, I have never been able to draw for example.
I will have to hold myself when the need arises to be flexible, I have committed to a huge time investment and although it is a realistic one that I can achieve each week, there are going to be times when I will have to be flexible, this will be difficult.
I intend to give away mandalas, create them in nature, have ceremonies to celebrate impermanence like the Tibetan's do, by destroying some of my creations, this I will need to hold too as I am someone who holds on to everything big time.

I head for acceptance and loving awareness.

I head for space and peace.

I head for a separateness of my energy from the energy of others and establishing my boundaries.

I want so much to be able to love myself and go through my life with heart, letting go of how it is now.

In this moment, I know this project is going to be huge.

SH February 2006

Dear Deepeners - February 2006

I have just received my letter from R, welcoming us all to the next meet (10th-13th February) and the start of our projects.

R asks that we go ready to engage in our project.

He asks that we contemplate the following ;

A sense of a pilgrimage to what ?
Who is being birthed and strengthened ?
Why this project ?

What am I going to do ?
What are the details ?
What do I feel my project is ?

What is it called ?

When am I going to do it ?
What are the time parameters and why ?

How will it make me use the principles ?

In what other ways will it serve me ?


The beginning of our second year is a special time, another chance to step in, to see where we hesitate. It will be over before we know it and I for one and going all out to seize the opportunity whilst it is here.