Maybe It Doesn't Even Matter Why

Today, I am feeling good for a change. I feel the need to mention it in my blog as it has been such a rare occurance recently and the occasion should be marked.

I still couldn't say for certain why I feel better, although various things have happened this week : therapy was very difficult on Monday and then all the difficulties seem to have been sorted out in further discussions yesterday. I spoke to a fellow Deepener yesterday and felt it lift me. T has just got himself an allotment which he is understandably excited about. Oh yeah and my bean broke through the soil today on it's journey with me towards the light.

I am regularly finding myself in my body checking out the holding in my shoulders etc. and this morning, I was sitting in my rocking chair before work and when I checked in, for the first time my shoulders were perfectly relaxed. I'm not sure either why this checking in has started to happen by itself, maybe because I have had the intention ? If I walk around my mandala of being, I hope with all my heart that it will continue .. if I stand in the centre of the mandala .. if it doesn't continue, it has already begun to inform my body for sure and I am grateful for that in this moment. I came to work today without wearing the support on my elbow for the first time since January .. I have some huge shit in my life AND I have some huge things to be grateful for.

I went out for lunch earlier, I was walking with my music and the sun and the gentle breeze, it was light and bright around me and it was light and bright inside me too and I haven't felt that way for a while.

Then the Barefoot Doctor tells me "There is a feeling you get occasionally, that sweeps through and fills your person, when, for whatever reason, you momentarily desist from struggling with yourself about pretty much anything you can find to struggle about – you could call it grace – which viscerally assures you the Tao, the universal mind does indeed know and love you, that you haven’t been passed over or ignored and with this assurance comes the knowledge that all is precisely as it’s meant to be right now. This encourages you to trust the path you’re walking even if aspects or all of it make little sense to your rational mind just yet"

I am resting right there ..

Have A Heart

'Everything wrong
gonna be alright'

In The Flow - Blue Hearts

Rainbow Colours Are Back In

Spring Gardens

Softly Softly On Day 11

"You have to let go to get what you want" is what the Barefoot Doctor told me this morning in his daily Docbox.

I feel almost back on track this week, life in general feels softer. The dog and I went for our walk, longer than normal, it was another lovely day and I haven't been letting it in fully these past few weeks and so, we just walked and walked.

We came face to face with two equally ferocious bull terriers, they were on show leads and were walking nicely until they saw Corbin and he saw them and suddenly, there was a hackle competition .. as there were two of them and they could not actually get to Corbin, they started biting each other ! I remained in the centre as the person they were with is a bull terrier breeder and so she was completely in control of the situation, even if it seemed like she wasn't. No need to be ruffled, so I wasn't.

It feels terrible to say it and I'm still going to. It seems to me that I have never before actually 'really' noticed spring, not in the way I am now anyway, I guess R would say, celebrate that I have finally noticed and forgive the rest. I have never noticed the gradual slide of the seasons into each other and am looking forward to the rest of the year in my newly awakened state of 'Deepness' ..

I also always think of the area in which I live as a bit of a dump, always covered in rubbish and surrounded by people who mostly don't give a shit about anything of their own and even less about anything of anyone elses. Anyway, it has come to me that actually while that is still true, in fact, I can choose to see it differently, as also, the area in which I live is very beautiful to behold .. if I look. This is shown to me over and over as I walk past many gardens planted and tended with care, repaying the owners with much colourful beauty. I thought I knew the streets of Fishponds well as I have been walking the dog there for many years, in fact, I don't know them at all.

As I came to sit, the sky clouded over and the bright sun was gone. I wanted to let a mandala arise from within me, as I wanted it, almost certainly I felt like it would not happen.

I don't think it did and actually that was ok. It was a prolific day for creation as I made lots of mandalas, some with more attention than others. I used pencils, crayons, glitter glue and then paints. I have used these particular paints before and today, I discovered that they are much more rewarding if you smudge them into one another and drag around the circle ! Rainbows are back in my awareness, as are stars. Today, some blue hearts. Some more black paper and glittery pens.

I did sit and wait for shapes to come into my awareness and some did and the outcome is quite shit. I also suspect the shapes came from the suns light on my eyes and not actually from within ! Also some of the shapes I saw, I cannot draw and I became very frustrated with this and so I let this 'idea' go and moved on. I then sat for ages and a beautiful mandala happened.

All through today, I have continually been aware of the holding in my shoulders, I have relaxed and carried on, I am really hoping that now this is happening, I will be able to change it, I head towards being mainly relaxed (let go) instead of mainly tense and held. It struck me that this is a combination of the first and second principles .. doh !

I opened my mandala book randomly and found 'Golden Apples' .. it offers that 'the treasure is within' and 'monsters are simply an aspect of self which can be banished with courageous resolve, without fighting' then it asks 'What is your treasure ?' - mine for sure is freedom from who I currently am.

A gentle breeze from my open window, as I listened to some more beautiful music .. I lay on the bed in the dark, looking at the sky .. very moved by a song called 'Come September'. It is once again very peaceful inside and actually outside at the moment too. In those moments, there was no holding in my shoulders.

I know I have said it before and it feels more and more like, my whole life is this project.

I lay a hand on my heart and give thanks.

Awareness

'That which you are aware of, you are already greater than' is what R told me.

Since I began having massage for my arm, I have become hugely aware of a constant holding in my upper body. I have started to regularly check in with what is going on and without fail (so far) when I do so, I am holding in my shoulders, arms and chest. As I check in, I become aware and I let go, relax the muscles and feel good that I noticed. This feels like another big step forward.

Perfection In My Parents' Garden

We All Need Some Stillness In Our Lives ..

I was reading a book today about meditation and there was a particular passage which spoke about ;

'Letting thoughts pass through your mind without engaging with them - not trying to influence or judge them - simply to be aware of them and to notice the calming effect as you enjoy quiet moments of observation and reflection.'

Of course, I have heard this tons of times before and this time it made me think about how, at the beginning of my project I said, that 'Meditation and space will be at the centre of my project days' and recently I have been questioning whether I am being true to this part of me .. the passage in the book enabled me to see that absolutely and completely I am being true to this part of me .. as at some point in every single project day (even the ones where I have been lost inside my shit) I have touched this calm, quiet and reflective place .. I always knew this project was perfect. And like I said .. 'The night sky touches me if I let it'


'Meditation encourages us to awaken to the reality of today and in so doing, offers us freedom not only from all that has been but also from all that will be'

The Joy Of Living ..

The Spirit

Of Growth

Another Day, Another Massage

These last couple of days, I have started to feel so much softer and although, I couldn't say for certain why, there is a song, there is a poem, there is a feeling of being held deeply and unconditionally like never before and there are people in my life who truly care about me even when I try my hardest to convince myself that they couldn't possibly, why would they ? However hard I try, they don't go away and they do not punish me for trying to protect myself from their love either .. they just are .. I've never had people like that in my life before ..

The Night Sky Touches Me If I Let It

Return To Centre

.. lying on the floor .. listening over and over to possibly the most beautiful song I ever heard .. and I think I am back .. it may be brief .. it may not .. right here in this moment .. I'm back .. and it feels so much softer .. I don't know for sure what made the difference this time .. it doesn't matter .. right now it feels like I am in fact in the centre of the circle ..

The Circle

Saturday afternoon the sunshine pours like wine through the window
And I know golden June can turn an empty grey against your window
And I feel like I'm on the outside of the circle
If I walk by the trees I'll catch the falling leaves if the wind blows
And I know all this means is whiling on the hours watching side-shows
And I feel like I'm on the outside of the circle
Will I turn my coat to the rain but I don't know
I'm going somewhere I can warm my bones
Fare you well I'll carry me away
And sing for those I know on their birthdays
And I feel like I'm on the outside
I won't feel like I'm on the outside
I won't feel like I'm on the outside of a circle

Lyrics by Minchella/Fowler/Harrison/Craddock

The Girl In My Mandala

There's a girl in my mandala
Who smiles at me with glee
She says she knows a secret
And it can set me free

She tells me life is wondrous
Says I twinkle like a star
She thinks I need some tenderness
She sends it from afar

She looks into my troubled eyes
Says she knows my heart is true
She tells me if I just let go
My life will follow through

She gives her hand for me to take
It fits mine like a glove
I fall into her open arms
She looks down from above

In her hand there is a gift
She says that it's for me
To use when I am most in need
Of holding tenderly

She says it will be always here
Tells me look inside and see
I do believe she gave her love
For it to set me free

She says again now just let go
She tells me by the way
She holds things which are beautiful
She holds me every day

There's a girl in my mandala
Who I think just might be me
Cos I was told a secret
And one day I will be free

SH April 2006

There Are No Words To Say On Day 10

It's Bean So Long .. And Finally .. A New Beginning ..

It's bean ! in the jar for two weeks now and there was no sign of anything happening, except what I had started to suspect was rotting .. I was resigning myself to the fact that it wasn't going to grow and was starting to consider my options and berating myself because after all, how hard can it be to put a bean in a jar between the glass and blotting paper, keep it damp and watch it grow ?!!!! It seemed like such a good idea at the time ...

Anyway .. today .. here it is, the first sign of life ..

"The vegetative universe opens like a flower from the earth's centre in which is eternity"

William Blake

So Here's What I Read ...

... today, on another WebLog (http://taichiheartwork.blogspot.com/) ...

'What distinguishes a good Tai Chi student is their refusal to baulk or flinch at the truth. Part of this involves not having it in you to brush what makes you uncomfortable under the carpet, but instead face it constantly until resolution, even if that means becoming so consumed by your battle that you almost cease to function as a normal social being'

... and I thank the WebLog provider for this touching piece of wisdom ...

Since I began to look at who I 'truly' am and to ask, is my life 'truly' happy and fulfilled, it has felt like I have been 'consumed by my battle to the point where I have been unable to function as a normal social being'.

I was moved when I read this, it was so liberating and I believe I fleetingly felt compassion for myself and for my struggle .. instead of feeling like a drama queen.

A Ring Within A Ring Within A Ring

Supermarket Principles

I went shopping, I felt irritated, it is a week day, why are all these people here ?

I did not have a £1 for the trolley, I had no cash so I could not get change, I could also not find an employee to release a trolley for me. I would carry a basket, I didn't want much !!

The basket was getting heavier and heavier (so much for my relaxed back, shoulder and arm muscles !) I started to get grumpy, I should've looked harder for someone to get me a trolley .. I got a second basket to divide the weight .. I advanced to very grumpy .. less manoeuvrable with two baskets and my arms were starting to ache .. trying to be in my centre and to relax, trying not to be grumpy with other people.

Trying, trying .. trying too hard all over again.

I sat in my car, I had undone the massage results fully no doubt .. I came into my body .. I relaxed .. I wanted to cry .. I relaxed some more .. I let it go .. I moved on with my day.

Deep, Deep Within The Tissues

Today, I had a massage, with uplifting oils and a gentle touch. The room was welcoming and peaceful, another sacred space. I felt safe and at home. I let go into the repeated caress .. just what I needed.

I feel peaceful and rested and held.

At the end, I was offered an Angel Card .. the one which chose me said 'Purpose' ...

Uplifting Daffodils And A Tearful Dragon

A Multicoloured Bottletop Mandala

It's Still How It Is On Day 9

April 12th 2006

It is early .. I am in bed .. I can see the sky .. little white clouds drift past my window .. another perfect spring day begins. I go to the bathroom, I never wash my face with soap .. today, the lather feels soft on my hands, I wash my face with the soap, I cradle my face in the towel, holding the weight of my head, my whole world in my hands.

It's another bad day
I want to create anyway
Not wanting ever to stop
Today, there are many bottle tops
To thread onto string
Make them into something
Which will resemble a
Multi-coloured mandala
Paper daffodils on card
Why does life seem so hard
Leaves green, flowers yellow
I begin to feel mellow
It comes and it goes
There are highs, there are lows
While the sky remains grey
My spine calls to me 'Hey'
It's not over and done
Don't give up on the sun
It's still there, so am I
Floating up, way up high
It's just gone for a while
Will return, make me smile
It will shine on my face
And give me the grace
To take care when I can
Gently hold onto my hand
To be kind to myself
For within there is wealth
That just waits to be told
It's time to unfold

SH April 2006

I take a mandala book down from the shelf, it falls open at 'A Garland Of Flowers' .. I sit quietly, my mind is not still, there is too much going on .. I gaze at eternity in the centre of the image before me .. there is a ring of larger flowers, mainly subtle pinks, they are delicate flowers with delicate petals .. they remind me of the need right now for me to go gently with myself. There is one, a red dog rose, it is a wonderful red .. it speaks of strength and depth .. it is at the base of the structure ...... the sky moves on and on, the clouds drift in covering the blue.

I have collapsed many times already this morning as my space is disturbed .. I come into my body and relax .. why put myself through it .. I decide to continue my day downstairs for a while and not in my room .. thereby removing the stress of interruption - is that heart ?

I feel in need of some letting go today - I take my 'lifeline' mandala from a few weeks ago into the garden to the side of the house, with my mandala candle holder .. once again it is too windy .. once again, I persevere .. I burn the mandala to let go .. I cannot light the candles, it is far too windy .. I come back in and begin to make my chain of bottletops for this mornings creation.

'A New Day Has Come' is on the stereo .. I hammer holes in 181 bottletops and thread them onto the string. I make a (smaller than anticipated) mandala. The dog likes it .. it smells nice !! He also likes the ball of string and he can't understand why I won't let him play .. he's happy to go in goal.

Following the successful completion of this particular creation, I retire to my room. I feel very low, I put Lambadas from Brazil on the stereo and sit to make uplifting, brightly coloured daffodils and put them into a mandala. I draw a tearful mandala - the tears remind me of a dragon, to which I add feet and eyes !

I colour many mandalas, it is peaceful and quiet inside myself .. the music continues into North American Raindance and Oceania Cross Cultural Musical Fusion .. it has not lifted me and it has seen me through the day.

My Golden Heart

I have a tub of sparkly things which I acquired to make mandalas .. they were a mistake and do not contribute positively to my mandalas, maybe this was their true purpose - how romantic am I ?

I was sitting watching the sky pass by .. enjoying the clouds as the night drew in .. I lit two candles and led down on my sofa to gaze at the sky. I had a phone call from P and I got up .. when I sat back down, the candle light was catching one particular sparkly thing .. it was catching it in such a way that it looked alight, burning from within at the centre of a whole tub of sparkly things .. I moved around, every which way, it sparkled and shone like a jewel.

Of course the thing was a golden heart .. it is in the tub with many many other sparkly things which are not golden or hearts. My own heart lifted, even if only a bit.

Mandala Of Being - Inspiring Sky - Green After Blue

Black - Red - Crosses - Stars

This mandala arose from a very quiet place within me, when I lay my head down in despair.

Black

The Native Americans say Black in mandalas signifies the burning away of attachment and self-absorption. Also it can suggest a frightening loss of the familiar.

Red

Can mean the arousal of healing life-giving potential deep in the psyche.

Crosses

Interesting that they are mostly 'x' and not '+', this can indicate surrender from familiar ways of being.

Stars

Proclaim identity as a singular being. They can be calling to the inner self to make a special connection to the destiny that it deserves.

It's Just How It Is On Day 8

April 6th 2006

The trees, the birds, the sun, the earth
Don't touch me the way that they have

I am inside myself and it's different today
I feel sad and reserved and there's nothing to say

It's not good what I feel and it's just how it is
Can I rest in this moment with nothing to give

Am I trying too hard to be silent inside
This mandala day, I'm just here for the ride

I could wish I felt different, there's no point in that
Hanging on to the memories of this and of that

I could look to future with hope in my heart
No point in that either, right here is the start

I am what I am like the tides of the sea
They ebb in the moment, with the flow they are free

I sit here in my chair and I breathe in the air
See a glimmer of something that's just under there

I remember two grains of wisdom I heard
That 'To Be Is Enough' and that 'Now Is The Word'

If I take down the person I placed on the shelf
At the base of the pile, that is my true self

Under layers and layers, after years of this shit
Fear and more fear and that just is not it

Let go of it all and believe I won't fall
Much easier to say than to do

If I could just do it
Believe just a little bit

Beneath all that stuff, there is truth and there's love
Then my heart could let go, rise above

SH April 2006

Cider And Black - April 2006

I've just been to a party .. and I don't do parties .. but he is a very important to me buddy and he is 30 .. and most of all, he knows I don't do parties and he would've loved and respected me just the same if I had said I wasn't going to go and probably for that reason more than any other, I decided I would go .. anyway, there were no mandalas there, just very large glasses of cider !

It was a tiger and I embraced it and now I'm back to my mountain and all is well.

Mandala Here, Mandala There, Mandala Everywhere

These last few days, I find myself in a not very good place.

This morning, I went for a really long walk .. to clear my head ? to lift my spirits ? to shake myself out of it ?

I just walked and walked and well, I saw mandalas everywhere .. there was one made of Cotswold Stone in the middle of a driveway, there were two circular pebble mandalas in a garden, there was an Acer, just starting to bud, in the centre of a grass mandala.

There are so many flowers .. spring is glorious, even when I find myself in this place.

I gathered some flowers and made this mandala of my own.

When I need something to remind me that life is beautiful, when it seems that it is quite the opposite .. it is right here.