Full Circle

.. and so, this completes my Deepening circle ..

Like Tears From A Star

 

It All Joined Up

On Reaching the end of the Deepening - January 2007

Our Deepening journey - of friendship & community
Joy and anguish shared and personal discovery

A jigsaw without the picture
Pieces turned over reveal themselves
Falling into place

I don't know you. Can I trust you ? You can trust me
Are you my friend ? I will be yours
We have changed. Friends together. Trusting each other
Now we must leave separately

The intensity, the closeness, the density of telling
The richness of a Christmas pudding we all shared

A mystery unfolding. The cusp before the jump into self belief
An exploration of laughter and tears
The adagio is waiting, holding - an outbreath
Footprints in the snow

In honouring the Deepening journey, we commit to go forward and embrace the tiger
Cradled in the chalice of compassion, nurturing the seed that has germinated
Held by our trust in the Tao, open to our inner depth and aliveness

Coming together in celebration
Joining as we honour our uniqueness

Circles within circles. Arms embracing hearts. Final hugs
Comfort, joy, felt sensations and loving reminders
Carrying forward to our destinations
Bright comets

Laughing stars that twinkly wink
To an open future
Suspend judgment
Cross surely

It's Friday afternoon - where are you now ?
The Deepening lingers six months on
Are you happy ? Are you well ?
Let's meet for a curry or give me a bell


A communal poem by Barbara, Paul, Anne, Allan, Jackie, Jenny C, Pam, Jo, Sharon, Sarah, Jane, Janet, Mike G, Greta, Jenny, Mike, Anne B, Thea

Created at Poulstone Court, 15 January 2007, during Barbara’s creative writing workshop and dedicated to our dear friend, teacher, mentor and guide, Richard Farmer.

It's All Over And ..

.. actually, I am doing ok so far .. things are calm here currently ..

.. I sat last night to cry but not because I was sad, just because the week
has been so truly beautiful and I am so completely touched by it all ..

.. I know I have the need to greive, but for now the waters remain peaceful and serene ..

Dedication

'I have dedicated the last two years of my life as a Rite of Passage. I have stood before the mystery and embraced it. I have seen my own weaknesses and held them in my open heart. I have appreciated the beauty of life. By using the universal principles found at the heart of truth that is Tai Chi Chaun, I have deepened the note that I sound to life'

Sharon Haines
January 2007

Great Wonder And A Swollen River

I do not believe there are words to describe what has happened to us all this last week. I don't even know where to begin. How can I possibly begin. I would use words like 'Awesome' 'Amazing' 'Beautiful' and it feels like they can not even come close.

On previous Deepening meets, I have written much in my journal .. this time .. although without doubt it has been by far the most mind blowing and emotional meet .. I have written little .. I have found it so very hard to reflect what I, what we all have felt ..

So much has happened, so many journeys we have taken, many, many stories, much laughter, joy and many tears .. I have shed tears in joy and tears in sadness .. tears from my heart as I am touched beyond my understanding by the courage and beauty of others ..

.. and somehow, the details do not seem important ..

.. how perfectly it wound down to the end .. a very, very beautiful ceremony, a glass offering, a loving cup, a little trip into the real world, live music, a disco, the gathering ourselves up, the cleansing of the space which has held us, the last bit of gentle Tai Chi with the burst river and a calling bird .. and finally a Jambay drum and the most perfect symbolic cutting of the tie ..

.. The Deepening is over, it is done .. the final circle is over and it is done ..

And Tomorrow .. The Deepening Begins To End Too

Project Close - The Ending Is Profound

I thought sparklers were it .. they were not it ..

It was very windy but not raining .. I go out and setup the mandala of sparklers which will be my 'Grand Finale' .. there are various troubles as per my launch but, the sparklers burn - all of them - right to the bottoms, although too fast for me to be able to light the whole mandala together, I don't struggle with it, but I know it isn't it ..

 

.. I tidy everything up and I come to the side of the house (the site of my project launch), there are still traces of wax on the concrete from the various candle mandalas I have had here over the course of my project.

.. I stand in the centre of the circle which is now in my heart and I just rest there taking in the sodium lit sky which is completely cloudy, there is rain on my face .. there is traffic on the Causeway .. there is a drip from the broken guttering .. the bushes and trees are sillouetted against the sky and the wind is strong, it is rushing the trees .. in true project stylee, the light comes on in the lane flooding the garden .. I can feel the wind on my skin and the rain still on my face and I close my eyes to say the names of every Deepener and remember them in this moment and the journey we have shared .. then I remember D, S, A and S who also were a part .. it feels like the whole of my project, maybe the whole of my Deepening rests right here in this moment where I am with the world which shared my journey too and ..

.. I place my hand on my heart one final time to give thanks as I have many times over during my project journey ..


.. but, what happens is that there are already words in my mouth and they just come ..


and with my hand resting on my heart, I say 'I LOVE YOU'


.. and I did not make that happen, I can safely say this time that it did not come from a cognitive place - it came from the centre of my mandala in the centre of my heart ..

.. at the end .. and a spactatular end of a spactacular project ..

More Scrapbooking - Why Not ?

I have other things to do .. I do them .. there is time .. why not continue with my scrapbook ?

I continue with my scrapbook peacefully most of the afternoon and it gets finished .. almost

.. wow ..

More Fever

The absolute worst yet panic attack and I do not sleep at all until morning when I sleep only briefly .. there is a green and yellow snake on the bathroom floor .. there is a big, tall and lucid man dressed in white on a tiny Brompton fold-up bike pedalling like mad down the road lined with trees, he's ringing the bell ? .. an earshattering noise like fingers wearing thimbles down a washboard ? golden flashes of colour .. again and again no matter which way I turn ..

.. then a day mostly of comfort ..

I am not my neurosis or my panic attacks .. underneath, I just am .. as a new part of me is being birthed and old part of me fears it has to die .. I need to nourish and 'feed' it with love in order to convince it that it can exist too ..

Dr B .. catagoricaly what I believe has been happening is absolutely not happening ..

I feel better .. I am able to eat a little food ..

.. I sleep most of the night with many bad dreams ..

That's All

News which I have hoped for and dreaded .. spins me into panic all over again and then I feel numb. It's what I want to hear and completely not what I want to hear all at the same time .. I can't hold it .. I reach out (I have done this so much over this last week, it's starting to feel easier) .. and like V says, there is nothing I have to do and so ..

.. in this moment .. the news is here, in my life and that's all .. I am calmer ..

'I Choose Love Here, I Choose Love'

And so after a small amount of soup which makes it all happen again, I call L and she is completely there for me and stands with me in my current struggle .. among other things, she reads to me a passage, from 'Emmanuel's Book II - The Choice for Love' (Pat Rodegast) and a mantra suggested in times of fear ..

'I Choose Love Here
I Choose Love'

I put down the phone and for 15mins or so, I chant this mantra while joining with my little blue agate .. and then, when I stop .. I'm ok .. I don't quite believe it .. I am completely calm and what I was feeling is gone ..

For L

And from the deep place inside my heart which L massaged yesterday, this poem arises ..

Never underestimate
The gift that's in your hands
Beneath your touch, I just let go
No matter what my plans

Somehow, you just seem to know
What I need and where to go
In my body, where it's tight
As my mind maintains the fight

It seems in me you feed that place
Where love doth rest in angel's grace
Through your palms, to me such love
You give with something from above

Unconditional, I feel your hold
Encouraging always to unfold
Such gentle touch, which means so much
And tenderness, I can't express in words how it makes me feel

Deeper and deeper emotions arise
They are what they are, even in their disguise
And I am so blessed, that you're in my world
That you crossed my path as my body uncurled

SH January 2007

Big Changes

are going on in me .. today, it's not now just my throat, it's moved into my head and nose and the cold and hot, shivers and fevers are back .. I spend another day in bed .. I miss Tai Chi and I realise that actually, I don't feel sad about the end of the Deepening anymore and I am simply looking forward to another week of love and nourishment (and I'm not going to miss out on the end) ..

.. also .. somehow, I don't feel so alone any more ..

A Blue Lace Agate On My Final Project Day

January 8th 2007

I get up early to shower. I'm in two minds whether to make this a project day as I was going to, it seems too soon after the previous one and there is always Friday, or Thursday come to that and I intend a closing ceremony on Friday and so I could roll it into a final project day - however, being that there really are no rules and that I am feeling much better today, I don't struggle with this, I simply go to therapy.

Throughout this week of my nightmare, there has been a message louder and clearer than all other messages so far .. and that is .. 'I cannot do this on my own', J has seen that this distresses me more than anything else and so reasons that this is part of my deepest trauma and it's calling me to do the work. I feel held completely. When the bar is raised, it is met without fail and unconditionally even when I can only do my best.

It is raining and that's ok.

I get home and still feel a little ambivalent about project day. I sit with a cup of tea and somehow this changes and I decide I will allow it in as planned. I come to my room to continue with my scrapbook and almost immediately there is quiet .. then T comes to my room, telling me I already had one project day this week and can't have another .. he wants to use the PC .. I am irritated .. I let it go and go on with my thing .. he goes on with his thing and then goes out.

I make scrapbook pages until 3 ish and then stroll along to my massage, aware of how fully I have loved and been at one with this project and actually in the moment I am not sad.

L asks what's been happening and I tell her about the panic attacks and my resulting throat, I ask for some TLC. Once again I feel her stand with me as she puts patchouli (which is grounding) with a blend for the throat chakra and I lie down to let go. My back is tight but soon relaxes beneath L's touch. In my hands, big emotion rises up and I start to cry big time .. L remains there, the energy in her palms joining the energy in mine .. there is confusion in my mind, as I have the thought 'Do I really deserve this, am I really this worthy ?' and I hear myself saying 'yes' .. as much as I really want to let everything go and completely fall apart .. I don't (maybe that's part of the current problem ?) and L moves on through my body. As she gently puts oil on my throat chakra, I have an overwhelming sense of entering the final stages, of preparing to go it alone, in whatever form that may take and I am thankful in that moment that I absolutely am not alone.

After, I feel better, like I really needed to do that .. needed to let some of that emotion go and I am touched completely when L gives me a little Blue Lace Agate in the shape of a heart. She says blue is the predominant colour of the throat chakra and that the stone also can offer healing in this area. Do I believe in angels ? I still don't know .. L says be open to the possibility because she has asked my Guardian Angel to take care of me .. in that moment, I want to believe in angels more than anything ..

I leave to walk home, it is very windy as dusk is starting to fall .. I clasp the agate between my two hands and I hold them against my throat, crying again .. I approach the bridge over the cycle track and there is a bird singing so loud, much louder than I ever noticed before, I stop on the bridge and look up into the bare branches of the trees which are being tossed on the wind and are lit by the sodium street lamps .. I can not see the bird .. and it continues to sing the loveliest song (maybe angels help even if you can't quite bring yourself to believe ?) ..

I get home and I can't put the little agate down ..

I spend the evening enjoying scrapbook pages and realise that I have not made a mandala today and that feels quite cool !

I go to bed at 10pm but can not sleep, I lie awake still at 3am feeling more coldy and stuffed than ever.

 

It's My Throat

So again I don't sleep too well and when I wake, all of me aches and is sore to the touch .. my throat is more relaxed now but completely raw, I can't open my mouth and I can't bring myself to eat. I take the dog out, slowly but surely, we amble around the block, he seems to know that we need to go gently and he's ok with that. I go back to bed with honey and lemon as I feel the need to take care. I reach out and allow myself be touched by love, people reach in and the same happens. J calls and it helps a lot.

Tonight there is a Tai Chi Xmas Social at G's, I am completely gutted that I will miss it as the annual ceremony has come to mean a lot, however, I am told that I will be held in the space and at 6pm, I join with the intention. I sit with open palms in my lap and am instantly silent. A few thoughts come and I let them go, silent once more .. I am only able to do this for 10 minutes as T has tea ready .. in those 10 minutes I recieve all I need .. not only do I not feel alone .. I feel held and I have an awareness of Rising Dragon Tai Chi flowing through my veins .. as T calls, I place my hand on my heart once more to give thanks - I am truly blessed.

On The Day After I Panicked Big Time

More Avoidance On Project Day 46(b)

January 6th 2007

I'm not feeling so good, although the panic was there in the wings last night, I did feel much calmer after speaking to L and then J. Still, I didn't sleep too well and now I feel like I might have a cold, although currently, it's just my throat.

I get up quite late and it's pouring with rain, a reflection of what is currently happening in my heart. R's letter has arrived to mark even more poiniently the approaching end.

T has gone to the allotment shop for the grand opening. I take the dog out, intending only to go around the block, but it's not cold, so we venture further and I feel better when we return. I can't bring myself to eat breakfast still and so I sit in front of the doors with a cup of tea and I draw my first mandala of hearts, in twos ? Then a PANIC mandala, in the centre is a heart filled with calm, love and peace etc. I make a couple of others and I eat a cheese and hummus sandwich that I mince into a pulp before swallowing. My throat is very sore and dry and still tight. The panic is still there although currently not taking hold.

I spend a while updating my weblog and then ages writing finally to R about my form. I feel like I have avoided my project and my silence very successfully so far. It's almost 6pm and Tony has done Mushroom Tagliatelle for tea, I stop to indulge, it is soft and doesn't trouble my throat.

I come back to my room and decide on some more scrapbooking. I complete a few more pages and am aware that there is no way I'm going to finish it by the Deepening meet, I feel like I can take it with me whereever I am up to and that will be ok .. I do not want to rush it as that would not be true to my project intention and all I have learned.

I am alone and I let go into scrapbooking fully, I feel blessed as I look back through all the previous pages and am proud of what I have achieved.

I go to bed around 11pm, feeling pretty damn awful, the impending panic shows itself briefly acouple of times but does not overwhelm me like before.

Bad Following Good

Today another panic attack, almost 5 hours, I'm in control on and off, mostly, I am not .. this one is too much, I am over whelmed and I am terrified .. it's too close to the previous one ..

I have hardly slept .. I go to work .. I arrive and there is another panic attack .. I sit in a room with another for an hour .. I am calmer .. I go on with my work ..

.. I reach out three times .. I am met three times .. I am thankful and blessed and still terrified ..

What is it I am finding hard to swallow ?
What is it I am holding back ?
What is it that remains unsaid ?

Is this the final assault to convince me I cannot move on or do this alone ?

Codeword 'MANDY' - Project Day 46(a)

January 3rd 2007

Today was to be Project Day 46, however, I have been to Poulstone to prepare for my project presentation, the content I will not reveal here as I wish it to remain a surprise.

I arrive and am not confident this will work at all .. slowly but surely, the plan comes together and it becomes clear all will be well.

All is more than well, I am beaming within when I speak with R at the end.

It's The 2nd Already ..

.. and it's just 11 days until the beginning of the end .. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way .. I can't quite help it .. today a faint rainbow and a beautiful sky at dusk was enough .. and a realisation that my panic attack happened following many very stressful events ..

Beginning

'This is the moment of embarking
All auspicious signs are in place'

In the beginning, all things are hopeful. We prepare outselves to start anew. Though we may be intent on the magnificent journey ahead, all things are contained in this first moment: our optimism, our faith, our resolution, our innocence.

We must make a strong connection to our inner selves.Alone and naked, we negotiate all of life's travails. Therefore, we alone must make something of ourselves, transforming ourselves into the instruments for experiencing the deepest spiritual essence of life.

Deng Ming-Dao

Tai Chi In 2007

My first Tai Chi moment of the new year, it's before 8am and on the way to work, a seagull soars above me, the wind beneath his wings .. my reaction is to decide it can't be my first moment because it isn't enough, it's only the flight of a seagull, I start to look for something else bigger, better, which can be my real first moment of Tai Chi in 2007 !!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then another panic attack almost takes me over .. I reason that I will be ok .. over and over .. what I fear will happen isn't happening and will not happen and I will be ok ..

I go to J and rest in her holding for a while ..

And Then Lots Of Noise

I finish work, I am tired, two battles ensue, I don't want to go out, I feel it would not be wise to not go out, I go out, we play a game, it's quite good, I don't feel like I fit, I come home, I watch TV, I miss midnight consumed by TV, I am tired and I do sleep eventually, at 4am, T comes in, at 5.30am there is a commotion next door, a big commotion, I get up to let the dog out, but he goes back in his bed, it's almost 7am, I get up for work ..

.. Happy New Year ..