It Flowers Still

Another Beautiful Autumn Red

From Softness To Even Softer On Day 36

October 26th 2006

I have the urge to sit again with the offering chant, I don't really know why, but I don't .. in the post, there is the most beautiful card from a Deepener, who reaches into my world to give his support and tell me tenderly that he cares, it touches me so deeply (and I let it), I have never recieved anything so lovely and it makes me cry (things like this never used to happen to 'me') ..

The dog and I embark on our walk and I feel very soft and open this morning, brought into the moment by P's card, I feel I can rest gently and take in the morning. I go down the lane to take another photo of the variety of reds in the autumnal hedge (as my last photo was blurry) .. of course we are two weeks on, the hedge is no longer so colourful, as only a few red leaves remain .. impermenance and it's still beautiful .. I take photos anyway.

We continue on our walk (even on the side of a taxi there is a mandala !) noticing, noticing, flowers, trees, leaves, the sky, the clouds .. the moment .. every moment .. the trees lining the car showroom, softly yeilding to the wind (it is wind today not breeze and still gently they move with grace). The ground is covered in the rich colours of fallen leaves .. generally today is colourful .. the light is odd .. glowing almost against an ever blackening sky as the rain clouds move in.

For the first time in ages, I am truly with myself, in my body all the way around and we arrive home as it starts to rain. I celebrate this, it feels great.

I make a cup of tea and I read my card again as I come to sit now with Lama Gyurme and the offering chant .. I sit and allow my tears .. the power of the keyboard solo takes my breath away each time .. too beautiful for words.

Riding on the power of today, I have two things to do and normally even though they are both nourishing things, I would feel something about doing them on project day, which I always set all of aside for my project and I don't like to do anything other .. sometimes I even struggle with the idea of going to Tai Chi on a project day !! and this is a Tai Chi project ! Today however, this is different, I feel different and although I'm not entirely sure why, I can allow these two things to be what they are and include them in the spirit of today .. maybe this is because at Tai Chi classes we have been working with including, maybe it's because of the joy of the Deepening, maybe it's just because ..

So I visit J and am held unconditionally again in my knowing and my not knowing why .. then I visit G to discuss my project presentation and how it can come to be .. I feel excited .. like everything about my project from the start .. this just feels so right .. like it was meant to be .. it is part of my path for a reason ..

I return home and come to sit again with the offering chant and my pencils and 'try' to let a mandala arise .. a couple do, but they are rubbish (and that's ok) .. I just sit and looking out of the window, the colourful cosmos are writhing around, tossed on the wind .. I go out and I cut lots of flowers and I make a mandala, then another and another .. and this feels better. I scatter petals and they are not in a circle but they look good .. another day I might have made a circle .. today .. just as they fall is mandala enough for me ! (there is no right or wrong mandala - right ?)

It is 4pm and I feel like moving to music and so I begin to let go into CD after CD, track after track of dancing .. grooving .. physical mandalas .. I move and am moved by dance tracks and slow songs from the heart .. I love them all .. I love it all .. I savour every note and soon the afternoon is gone .. enveloped in music. Dusk is falling and I want to sit .. there has been no Kenny G so far and so I let go into the sweet, sweet sax again .. I sit on my cushions in front of the door with the dusk. I should eat, but this time is too wonderful to miss .. besides, T will be back soon and I will have to reign it in ..

.. I sit and write as the darkness falls around me .. I watch the sillouette of the buddliea dance against the darkening sky as the sounds of his breath through the saxophone meet my ears. I feel rich, mellow, calm and at peace and there is nothing better than this feeling (this is one of my moves for sure !)

I continue to watch the tree tops as they dance to the sound of the sax (so romantic am I).

6 tracks in and T returns and that's ok. I stop the CD and make some tea and then come to my room. A colourful mandala shows itself and I indulge.



I find myself falling headlong into how wonderful my project presentation can/will be.

I listen again to Kenny G and I sit at my window once more before bed to take in the sacred night with track 15, my favourite track. I can not resist the offering chant just one more time (turns into 4 more times) before I sleep. I sit with a straight spine, cross legged on my chair, headphones on and I engage with the dark once more. The flood light comes on directly opposite my window and shines in my eyes .. another time I could be pissed off at this .. I am not .. it is what it is .. I move my chair and I tip the blinds so that it no longer affects me, that's heart right ?

So .. there's the night .. my spine .. my arms wrapped around myself .. and this most beautiful, compassionate chant which fills my whole being with love.

I finally tear myself away (as although I could listen forever, it would not be sensible or practical to do so and I must let this moment go).

I sit with a hand on my heart and give thanks for music, for love and the life that I am in, which right now in this moment could not mean more than it does.

I acknowledge the circle of true friends I have come to know, who help me along, every step of the way.

I feel J with me all of the time, holding me in her heart.

I love love and today has been an amazing day ..

I am amazing (even when I think I am not) and my project days are just the most incredible gift.

There is no sweeter goodnight.

Thank Goodness .. I Start To Soften ..

.. there is an hour of beautiful relationship and tender loving care .. holding which means more than I can say .. an email which touches my heart .. angry tai chi, angrier by the minute .. an opening into Shibashi which brings my softness to me and the beginning of forgiveness ..

.. this morning a candle and a CD, which touch the deepest part of me .. the lush sound is so beautiful .. an offering chant beyond words, only my tears can express what I feel when I join with this track .. a keyboard solo in the middle fills my whole being with love ..

and I'm ok ..

What Are My Moves ?

Effectively the final Deepening meet ..

.. for the first time, I bring no baggage at all .. I realise I have already begun to know what my moves are .. but can I share my most intimate breath without resistance ? the light goes on at 5.20am .. there is a stolen flower and a fraudulent feeling .. I play a form from my heart for M and remain soft throughout .. I feel in love with love .. a face massage brings such a sweet feeling .. as I reflect in a group, I have come such a long way .. I sleep so soundly that I miss the storm .. is there a Sharon in here ? a cup of tea and a prayer flag (blue for peace) .. I shine the light of my hands up over my body and am surprised by how beautiful I feel .. I am hugely moved by my own gestures and then even more so by those of B .. what are my family voices ? nut roast - bleh - cheese and humous .. there is a Ukranian healer with spoons and knives, eggs, water and 'erbs .. there is massage and healing .. I am relaxed .. my form is sincere and has dynamism .. respect .. as it all comes to a close, suddenly, I am blown apart (caught by an old pattern) I spin into turmoil and pain .. I reach out and am forgotten .. I spiral further into panic and talk nonsense in a circle .. I feel directed anger and then such softness as my heart opens for another but not for myself .. I am moved, but still caught .. there is a tiny bear on a ring - I let it touch me, still caught .. I reach out again, I can't help it, feeling so troubled .. I miss the end lost inside my (old) self .. I feel selfish and angry with myself .. life is too short .. an opportunity which I know I will miss .. I am misunderstood .. I am so, so sad .. we leave ..

.. at home .. I sit alone in the dark after a weekend filled with love which I enjoyed so much .. and .. I fall apart .. I want to call .. everybody .. anybody .. I find reasons not to and then finally I can take it no more, from the pit of myself .. I dial the numbers and on the other end there is nothing .. I am broken hearted ..

Mosaics

Mosaics On Day 35

October 19th 2006

It is very, very windy and a bit rainy today, but still mild as the dog and I embark on our walk, which is full of coughing - my feeble excuse for not being in the moment at all.

I come to sit with my cup of tea, my candle and the weather outside the window as the wind buffets the trees and flowers beneath me. I put two of my collages onto nice backing paper as I have decided to have them laminated, I spend quite a while cutting round the edge of my photo collage and the result it pleasing. I am listening to various music and nothing is really moving inside. I feel restless all over again.

After lunch, I begin to experiment with mosaics .. I start off with a very simple one, cutting a photo of an earlier mandala into strips .. it's ok .. then I embark on another made up this time of tiny (1cm x 1cm) squares .. as I mark out the photo, cut and then stick onto the page, I think how long this is going to take and become aware of the need to enjoy the journey and not just want for the end product .. I stop my music and sit quietly to enjoy the cutting and sticking and soon I am enjoying it and it is looking good. I do one more but decide I think that mosaics are not for me.

Although T has only interrupted me once, I feel like I have interrupted myself many times, I have made much tea and just have not allowed myself to drop in so far today.

I look out of the window at the bright and colourful cosmos flowers and my yellow roses being tossed around in the wind, I watch the clouds pass by overhead and think this is what life is about, there isn't any more to it than this .. however this time, I can not feel it, only know it .. I sit with can I let that be ok ?

In R's letter there are questions to contemplate and I spend a while reflecting on my Deepening journey so far ..

.. passion for creativity .. stillness inside .. self worth .. taking up my rightful place on earth .. separation from the energy of others .. meaning and direction .. positivity .. 'to be' is enough .. 'being with' fear .. slowing down .. calmness .. letting go .. forgiveness .. normality .. smiling .. joy and happiness .. living from my heart .. trust in others ..

and how day by day, these things are happening more.

Then I sit to write my project report to R to take with me this weekend, I could write forever, I sit for a while to let the most important things rise to the surface. As I write, the rain gradually stops and the sun shines through my window onto my face, the sky is blue and the moment touches me as beautiful, what perfect timing ..

So this afternoon, no music, just weather, my candle (and the odd cup of tea). There is this nagging in the back of my mind that I have not been able to tell R everything and he won't know how utterly fabulous and rewarding my project has been - I let this go, of course he will know, he will feel the energy in what I have written and he will know.

My candle illuminates the room, the rain falls steadily again outside the window. I go to bed with the sound of the rain.

It's Not ..

.. what you look at that matters, it's what you see

Henry Thoreau

Friendship In A Mandala

 

In The Direction Of Love

 

Not Until The Very End - Day 34

October 14th 2006

Although I had a whale of a time last night emailing nonsense to and fro some crazy guy I know ! I ending up going to bed really late and then being too 'high' to sleep for ages. When I got up this morning and it was much later than normal, I felt a pang of 'shit, now there is less project day than usual left, I have wasted it lying in bed' and when I sat with that, I decided that my body had done what it needed to do and there is still plenty of time left !

The dog and I went for our walk and I was struck (coming abruptly on one occasion to the moment at the end of a lane) more than once by golden/red autumn leaves (like the ones in J's note) on climbing plants. I love autumn .. colourful and beautiful.



I get home and I come to sit, Tony is in my room on the PC, he says he won't be long .. right now, that's ok .. I tidy my desk .. he stays much longer than 'not long' and I start to get irritated, he's sitting on my chair, I am standing and project day is ticking away .. I feel a little unreasonable and not soft .. as I become aware of this, I begin to soften and eventually, he goes away and I can sit.

My first mandala is inspired by a scrap book page I saw in a magazine .. and turns out really well, symbolising my journey so far on my spiral toward love, including wholeness and individuation (which have started to happen along the way).

So soon it is lunchtime and I rush it to come back up and return to inspired creation - a little voice arises inside which says, rushing to a destination is not what this is about - I ignore it and sit to create again. Again, my next idea is taken from something I saw in a magazine and I intend to make it as a gift for a blossoming friendship, however .. as I progress, I am nagged by self doubt all over again, about how it is not a worthy gift and therefore I will keep it for myself .. I progress further into the afternoon and it starts to look really good and I change my mind back and decide I will give it as a gift after all.

I cover triangles of card and make hinges, I am really enjoying myself and it becomes an expression of 'the honour I feel at the friendship and love we have come to know'.

When it is finished, on reflection .. this afternoon has been quiet and on and off there have been no thoughts to catch me, however .. I have not touched that pure space which I really enjoy. I come to write a note in the gift and I write that 'I give this gift in this beautiful moment of now' and I feel a bit of a fraud because although I cognitively know each moment is beautiful, I cannot feel it in this moment.

T has gone out this evening and I begin walking around my mandala once again because I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't want to.

I come back to the moment which I can make beautiful if I choose to. I ask myself, how can I make this moment beautiful ? There is a song track which appears immediately in my head and I know it will touch my heart because it always does. However, the CD is downstairs and the alarm is already set and I feel like I can't be bothered .. can't be bothered to make this moment beautiful ? really .. can't be bothered ? I feel like I do not honour the intention of my project if I do not go to get it, so I do.

I put the CD in the player and I climb into bed with my headphones on, I relax and I listen to 'The Circle' which I decided would be the warm up for the main act, however, although it is nice, I have thoughts suddenly rushing through my mind and they do not stop .. the music is there and it drowns out my thoughts now and again .. mostly it does not. So after listening to it a few times 'wanting' it to work and 'trying' to touch that pure space, I decide to move on to the main act. At first the same thing happens, I'm not letting it in .. it is there in my awareness and I am bombarded with inner commentary which does not let up, I spin off into oblivion swallowed by it .. I am only brought back by the CD changer loading the next CD !

OK, so I lie in bed and I feel my spine, do I really want to let this in, or is my project day already over and done ? I put my hand on my heart and know that, I have come to really enjoy the space when I allow it and that it nourishes me more than I can express.

I lie still and can still feel the noble line of my spine held by the mattress. I am aware now also of my breathing, deeply, in and out, the rising and falling as I begin the track again. As I continue to breathe, more gently now and to remember the line of my spine, I have a sense of the mattress holding all of me .. the sounds of the piano and the sweet, lush saxophone in harmony begin to wash over my body .. as I breathe them in, I begin to feel the notes fill up my body. At the very end of the track there are four bars, each contains a semibreve and I am nowhere else but right here in this moment, my whole body tingles with the pure sound, as his breath flows gently and effortlessly through the saxophone, it makes the moment without question beautiful .. beautiful absolutely. I have to play the track again. It eases my mind, it calms my thoughts, it soothes my soul. This moment is now truly beautiful .. the last four bars are beautiful. I play the track once more and I hold the headphones tight against my head, I notice, I have furrowed my brow and I relax this along with the rest of my body continually throughout the final gift of this track .. my body breathes in the sweet, sweet tone, deeply into my bones again and I am grateful I gave myself this at the end.

Sweet, tender loving and sax with Kenny G - the perfect end to any day - if I just let it be.

Sometimes (Always) There Is A Sparkle

Sometimes in the mirror
She glimpses her true nature
The wholeness that is the centre of herself

There is a sparkle which has not died
It stays hidden from today because it thinks it is not welcome here
The sparkle is not going away
It rests like an eternal ember
When she places her hand on her heart and stands in the centre of herself
In this moment of now
Hand in hand with her true nature
She knows what she must do

There will be a new beginning
The rainbows will show up
The sun will come out again and shine brightly on her world
It has been too long already

SH October 2006

Postponed Due To Illness

V and I have started celebrating at least one thing every day ..

Also, there was a note of an Autumn Wind that had blown ill which touched my heart ..

Roll on project day tomorrow ..

Love Is The Bridge

Go to the truth beyond the mind
Love is the bridge
~ Stephen Levine ~

Now I'm Getting Really Good At It

What's In A Collage ?

Collage - A picture or design created by adhering such basically flat elements as newspaper, wallpaper, printed text and illustrations, photographs, cloth, string, etc., to a flat surface, when the result becomes three-dimensional and might also be called a relief sculpture/construction/assemblage.

Anyone For A Ransom Note ?

  

Well, I Changed My Mind !

  

Did I Say I Can't Do Collage ?

  

More Collage On Day 33

October 6th 2006

I got in very late last night, from another perfect night of friendship and laughter ..

'Laughter is the shortest distance between friends' - Anon

.. and so again now feel very tired .. however, after breakfast, the dog and I embark on todays adventure and I start to feel better. It is mild and not raining. I notice trees and flowers and a sliver of blue sky sandwiched between grey and white clouds. Mostly however, dog walks now do not really feel different on project days and when I acknowledge that, I feel disappointed and like I 'should try harder'.

I recall something R said to me once 'You say you don't feel anything, well that's a feeling! If you start there you will be amazed what is there. What you mean is that when you look for the memory of what heart feels like, it is not there. Correct. A new sensation of heart awaits eyes unclouded by longing or history. Just breathe, soften and relax and let your intention show you the love that waits for you' .. again, I rest right there ..

We were almost home and it had been a very pleasant morning up until this point, then right in the moment of now, it began to absolutely chuck it down with rain .. not just little rain .. massive, huge, monster rain balls .. instantly we were both soaked, I didn't have time to put up my hood or roll down my sleeves or prepare in any way .. I was just very wet and Corbin well he was speeding along with his ears down flat, keeping as low to the ground as he could (presumably it's drier there ?) well as we were charging home .. it came to me in my cold and soaking wet through to the skin jeans that, it's only rain and I actually quite like rain and have been looking forward to autumn and winter and it ain't gonna kill nobody and so, I stood back up and as the rain ran down my neck and back and drops fell off the ends of my hair .. it was ok .. we got home and it went off !

As I sit downstairs (T has gone to R's) there is the most glorious sunshine. The dog and I sit just being, quietly. It is 12.15 and so far no mandala creation and although it passes through my mind that I 'should' be 'doing' something .. I relax and know that I am ! I put the Be Good Tanyas on the CD and am caught over and over, thinking about last night, the Living Transformation (which is this weekend), the Deepening, V, L, friendship etc. etc. etc. it does not stop. My flowers (given to me last night in celebration by V and L) are on the table in the vase, my first mandala of the day

  

The music stops, I sit in silence, it's very windy outside, I feel sleepy. I close my eyes and allow the sounds of the wind to come to me, the ticking of the dishwasher dial, an awareness of the rising and falling of my hands on my belly with each breath.

I come upstairs to embark on my first creation, it will be a collage day. I begin with strips of blue paper around a circle and some of the encouraging words from my launch night. All the while, more and more thoughts .. blah blah blah. I begin a coloured collage with circles cut from a colourful magazine. I take my cutting downstairs, T is still out. The circles look crap .. I persevere .. I stick more and more coloured bits onto the page and it still looks crap .. I continue to persevere and gradually, I start to like it, by the time it's finished, I think it's looks awesome and I love it .. maybe I can do collage after all ? :)

Then I make another out of strips of colour, which is rubbish and it doesn't matter. I return to my room on T's return to listen to Eternal Spirit and Forever Healing, both of which always bring about quiet inside. They do .. all thoughts have left me and I feel like I have been hours without them. I don't really notice just how quiet it is until the thoughts return and then the difference is profound.

Inspired by a crossword, I decide to create a kind of crossword mandala which ends up looking like a ransom note. I spend hours and hours, cutting letters from a magazine and building up the encouraging words again. As I do this, I am struck by how much a lot of them have moved into my life (as I intended, but didn't really believe) since the start of my project. For hours and hours it is oh so silent again, until one of the words goes outside the circle, I start to curse and feel like I ruined my perfect creation when it was all going to well .. I let go into this 'mistake' ? and it means now that more words will fit on the mandala !

I stopped at 9.45, my back breaking in two as I have been working on the floor and have not been sitting properly.

I lie in my bed and relax into the pain in my lower back. I do some stretches and feel thankful once more for my project and my life in this moment. My back is no longer hurting .. I am ok.

Tai Chi

At the moment, although I don't really know why, I am fully engaging with Tai Chi (the physical movements) .. I am now attending two classes a week (as it did not feel right to leave A's group and I want also to be part of G's sessions), my energy has been huge and this week, after playing Shibashi and then a form, I stood at the end and had a almost mindblowing sense of the earth (a circle going on forever - coloured like my sand mandalas) beneath my feet and the sky (another circle going on forever) above me and I was part of both of these circles resting in the centre where they both meet.

Awesome !

Maybe the sand mandalas gave me something after all.

It's Still Day 32

This is all very well, I have made sand mandala after sand mandala and then I fill the picture frame and the little trinket box from the kit with the coloured sands .. but I feel I have completely missed the real quiet intention that I set out with .. that to pour the sands would be a meditation and it would be an expression from within .. I now have loads of mixed sand and a nagging 'why didn't I do it properly' ? in the back of my head which I need to let go of. I 'should' sit and let go of this .. I do not, instead I move on to my scrapbook which is where I really want to be .. perhaps I should've poured the sand another day ? perhaps, this was just meant to be ?

All afternoon and evening I make scrapbook pages and again I really enjoy myself .. scrapbooking feels really good and feels like something I will continue to do for sure. As my evening comes to a close, I notice that I have once again not been caught by thoughts .. they must've been there and I was not caught .. I celebrate this because it happens more and more and is a great move forward .. I have really indulged today, revisiting earlier weeks of my project whilst making the pages.

Today, being week 32 means there are only 16 weeks left to go, we are 2 thirds through .. and on reflection, there have been good times and bad times and I have visited 'amazing' places both inside and outside myself .. all of it has been perfect and I have learned a lot about myself and the inner and outer world where I live my life. I had a fear at the start that I would be bored .. I always get bored quickly with things and I am not and have not at any point been bored with this project, the weekly separation from 'how it usually is' has been more powerful than I could have ever imagined and has brought (among other things) peace, joy and love into my life - which was there before, I just did not allow it.

So, I have revisited music I have used in previous weeks and I have connected again with the bigger energy of others on this adventure.

Recently, I wrote R and I wanted to say 'Why can't the Deepening be forever' and then I realised that my Deepening is forever .. I'm not going to stop .. it's not going to stop .. it's a roller coaster ride for life ..

Maybe when the Deepening ends, my project may morph into something else, but I'm going to continue the day each week separate from 'everything else' because it has become my special time and has given me so many gifts.

I put the Healing Pool on the CD and I listen quietly while sitting with a cup of tea. T has not been out at all today and mostly this afternoon, he has left me alone .. this always helps me to touch into myself more.

A thought arises that I have to work tomorrow - shit - and that's walking around the mandala right ? so I let go and stand in the centre, in this moment of now .. I'm not at work and all is well.

It's been another most excellent day ..

And More Sand

 

Sand

 

And So .. It's Day 32

September 29th 2006

T already walked the dog, so I got up leisurely (although still feel tired). It is pouring with rain. After breakfast, I sat with the dog on my feet a while, just looking out at the garden and the rain. Then I came to my room to make mandalas (because that's what I do) even though in the back of my mind, I feel again like, I'm only making them because there will be nothing to put in my scrapbook this week otherwise !! I make a few, I am ambivalent about them and I am not quiet inside. I am listening to more trance music. I have been interrupted several times already today and feel hurt and disrespected all over again.

It's 11.30, I am putting down the mandalas because they are not working and they are not really what I want. I am not fulfilled, I feel the need to sit, thoughts come, they are rushing at me from all directions and I am caught as usual. As I sit, it comes to me that I have not yet indulged in a sand mandala ! Today will be the day for my first sand mandala.

I get out the little kit I got at the start of my project containing little bags of coloured sand. I also have a little plastic plate thingy onto which I pour the sand, one colour and then another.



Then there were more and more and more sand mandalas ..