Full Circle

.. and so, this completes my Deepening circle ..

Like Tears From A Star

 

It All Joined Up

On Reaching the end of the Deepening - January 2007

Our Deepening journey - of friendship & community
Joy and anguish shared and personal discovery

A jigsaw without the picture
Pieces turned over reveal themselves
Falling into place

I don't know you. Can I trust you ? You can trust me
Are you my friend ? I will be yours
We have changed. Friends together. Trusting each other
Now we must leave separately

The intensity, the closeness, the density of telling
The richness of a Christmas pudding we all shared

A mystery unfolding. The cusp before the jump into self belief
An exploration of laughter and tears
The adagio is waiting, holding - an outbreath
Footprints in the snow

In honouring the Deepening journey, we commit to go forward and embrace the tiger
Cradled in the chalice of compassion, nurturing the seed that has germinated
Held by our trust in the Tao, open to our inner depth and aliveness

Coming together in celebration
Joining as we honour our uniqueness

Circles within circles. Arms embracing hearts. Final hugs
Comfort, joy, felt sensations and loving reminders
Carrying forward to our destinations
Bright comets

Laughing stars that twinkly wink
To an open future
Suspend judgment
Cross surely

It's Friday afternoon - where are you now ?
The Deepening lingers six months on
Are you happy ? Are you well ?
Let's meet for a curry or give me a bell


A communal poem by Barbara, Paul, Anne, Allan, Jackie, Jenny C, Pam, Jo, Sharon, Sarah, Jane, Janet, Mike G, Greta, Jenny, Mike, Anne B, Thea

Created at Poulstone Court, 15 January 2007, during Barbara’s creative writing workshop and dedicated to our dear friend, teacher, mentor and guide, Richard Farmer.

It's All Over And ..

.. actually, I am doing ok so far .. things are calm here currently ..

.. I sat last night to cry but not because I was sad, just because the week
has been so truly beautiful and I am so completely touched by it all ..

.. I know I have the need to greive, but for now the waters remain peaceful and serene ..

Dedication

'I have dedicated the last two years of my life as a Rite of Passage. I have stood before the mystery and embraced it. I have seen my own weaknesses and held them in my open heart. I have appreciated the beauty of life. By using the universal principles found at the heart of truth that is Tai Chi Chaun, I have deepened the note that I sound to life'

Sharon Haines
January 2007

Great Wonder And A Swollen River

I do not believe there are words to describe what has happened to us all this last week. I don't even know where to begin. How can I possibly begin. I would use words like 'Awesome' 'Amazing' 'Beautiful' and it feels like they can not even come close.

On previous Deepening meets, I have written much in my journal .. this time .. although without doubt it has been by far the most mind blowing and emotional meet .. I have written little .. I have found it so very hard to reflect what I, what we all have felt ..

So much has happened, so many journeys we have taken, many, many stories, much laughter, joy and many tears .. I have shed tears in joy and tears in sadness .. tears from my heart as I am touched beyond my understanding by the courage and beauty of others ..

.. and somehow, the details do not seem important ..

.. how perfectly it wound down to the end .. a very, very beautiful ceremony, a glass offering, a loving cup, a little trip into the real world, live music, a disco, the gathering ourselves up, the cleansing of the space which has held us, the last bit of gentle Tai Chi with the burst river and a calling bird .. and finally a Jambay drum and the most perfect symbolic cutting of the tie ..

.. The Deepening is over, it is done .. the final circle is over and it is done ..

And Tomorrow .. The Deepening Begins To End Too

Project Close - The Ending Is Profound

I thought sparklers were it .. they were not it ..

It was very windy but not raining .. I go out and setup the mandala of sparklers which will be my 'Grand Finale' .. there are various troubles as per my launch but, the sparklers burn - all of them - right to the bottoms, although too fast for me to be able to light the whole mandala together, I don't struggle with it, but I know it isn't it ..

 

.. I tidy everything up and I come to the side of the house (the site of my project launch), there are still traces of wax on the concrete from the various candle mandalas I have had here over the course of my project.

.. I stand in the centre of the circle which is now in my heart and I just rest there taking in the sodium lit sky which is completely cloudy, there is rain on my face .. there is traffic on the Causeway .. there is a drip from the broken guttering .. the bushes and trees are sillouetted against the sky and the wind is strong, it is rushing the trees .. in true project stylee, the light comes on in the lane flooding the garden .. I can feel the wind on my skin and the rain still on my face and I close my eyes to say the names of every Deepener and remember them in this moment and the journey we have shared .. then I remember D, S, A and S who also were a part .. it feels like the whole of my project, maybe the whole of my Deepening rests right here in this moment where I am with the world which shared my journey too and ..

.. I place my hand on my heart one final time to give thanks as I have many times over during my project journey ..


.. but, what happens is that there are already words in my mouth and they just come ..


and with my hand resting on my heart, I say 'I LOVE YOU'


.. and I did not make that happen, I can safely say this time that it did not come from a cognitive place - it came from the centre of my mandala in the centre of my heart ..

.. at the end .. and a spactatular end of a spactacular project ..

More Scrapbooking - Why Not ?

I have other things to do .. I do them .. there is time .. why not continue with my scrapbook ?

I continue with my scrapbook peacefully most of the afternoon and it gets finished .. almost

.. wow ..

More Fever

The absolute worst yet panic attack and I do not sleep at all until morning when I sleep only briefly .. there is a green and yellow snake on the bathroom floor .. there is a big, tall and lucid man dressed in white on a tiny Brompton fold-up bike pedalling like mad down the road lined with trees, he's ringing the bell ? .. an earshattering noise like fingers wearing thimbles down a washboard ? golden flashes of colour .. again and again no matter which way I turn ..

.. then a day mostly of comfort ..

I am not my neurosis or my panic attacks .. underneath, I just am .. as a new part of me is being birthed and old part of me fears it has to die .. I need to nourish and 'feed' it with love in order to convince it that it can exist too ..

Dr B .. catagoricaly what I believe has been happening is absolutely not happening ..

I feel better .. I am able to eat a little food ..

.. I sleep most of the night with many bad dreams ..

That's All

News which I have hoped for and dreaded .. spins me into panic all over again and then I feel numb. It's what I want to hear and completely not what I want to hear all at the same time .. I can't hold it .. I reach out (I have done this so much over this last week, it's starting to feel easier) .. and like V says, there is nothing I have to do and so ..

.. in this moment .. the news is here, in my life and that's all .. I am calmer ..

'I Choose Love Here, I Choose Love'

And so after a small amount of soup which makes it all happen again, I call L and she is completely there for me and stands with me in my current struggle .. among other things, she reads to me a passage, from 'Emmanuel's Book II - The Choice for Love' (Pat Rodegast) and a mantra suggested in times of fear ..

'I Choose Love Here
I Choose Love'

I put down the phone and for 15mins or so, I chant this mantra while joining with my little blue agate .. and then, when I stop .. I'm ok .. I don't quite believe it .. I am completely calm and what I was feeling is gone ..

For L

And from the deep place inside my heart which L massaged yesterday, this poem arises ..

Never underestimate
The gift that's in your hands
Beneath your touch, I just let go
No matter what my plans

Somehow, you just seem to know
What I need and where to go
In my body, where it's tight
As my mind maintains the fight

It seems in me you feed that place
Where love doth rest in angel's grace
Through your palms, to me such love
You give with something from above

Unconditional, I feel your hold
Encouraging always to unfold
Such gentle touch, which means so much
And tenderness, I can't express in words how it makes me feel

Deeper and deeper emotions arise
They are what they are, even in their disguise
And I am so blessed, that you're in my world
That you crossed my path as my body uncurled

SH January 2007

Big Changes

are going on in me .. today, it's not now just my throat, it's moved into my head and nose and the cold and hot, shivers and fevers are back .. I spend another day in bed .. I miss Tai Chi and I realise that actually, I don't feel sad about the end of the Deepening anymore and I am simply looking forward to another week of love and nourishment (and I'm not going to miss out on the end) ..

.. also .. somehow, I don't feel so alone any more ..

A Blue Lace Agate On My Final Project Day

January 8th 2007

I get up early to shower. I'm in two minds whether to make this a project day as I was going to, it seems too soon after the previous one and there is always Friday, or Thursday come to that and I intend a closing ceremony on Friday and so I could roll it into a final project day - however, being that there really are no rules and that I am feeling much better today, I don't struggle with this, I simply go to therapy.

Throughout this week of my nightmare, there has been a message louder and clearer than all other messages so far .. and that is .. 'I cannot do this on my own', J has seen that this distresses me more than anything else and so reasons that this is part of my deepest trauma and it's calling me to do the work. I feel held completely. When the bar is raised, it is met without fail and unconditionally even when I can only do my best.

It is raining and that's ok.

I get home and still feel a little ambivalent about project day. I sit with a cup of tea and somehow this changes and I decide I will allow it in as planned. I come to my room to continue with my scrapbook and almost immediately there is quiet .. then T comes to my room, telling me I already had one project day this week and can't have another .. he wants to use the PC .. I am irritated .. I let it go and go on with my thing .. he goes on with his thing and then goes out.

I make scrapbook pages until 3 ish and then stroll along to my massage, aware of how fully I have loved and been at one with this project and actually in the moment I am not sad.

L asks what's been happening and I tell her about the panic attacks and my resulting throat, I ask for some TLC. Once again I feel her stand with me as she puts patchouli (which is grounding) with a blend for the throat chakra and I lie down to let go. My back is tight but soon relaxes beneath L's touch. In my hands, big emotion rises up and I start to cry big time .. L remains there, the energy in her palms joining the energy in mine .. there is confusion in my mind, as I have the thought 'Do I really deserve this, am I really this worthy ?' and I hear myself saying 'yes' .. as much as I really want to let everything go and completely fall apart .. I don't (maybe that's part of the current problem ?) and L moves on through my body. As she gently puts oil on my throat chakra, I have an overwhelming sense of entering the final stages, of preparing to go it alone, in whatever form that may take and I am thankful in that moment that I absolutely am not alone.

After, I feel better, like I really needed to do that .. needed to let some of that emotion go and I am touched completely when L gives me a little Blue Lace Agate in the shape of a heart. She says blue is the predominant colour of the throat chakra and that the stone also can offer healing in this area. Do I believe in angels ? I still don't know .. L says be open to the possibility because she has asked my Guardian Angel to take care of me .. in that moment, I want to believe in angels more than anything ..

I leave to walk home, it is very windy as dusk is starting to fall .. I clasp the agate between my two hands and I hold them against my throat, crying again .. I approach the bridge over the cycle track and there is a bird singing so loud, much louder than I ever noticed before, I stop on the bridge and look up into the bare branches of the trees which are being tossed on the wind and are lit by the sodium street lamps .. I can not see the bird .. and it continues to sing the loveliest song (maybe angels help even if you can't quite bring yourself to believe ?) ..

I get home and I can't put the little agate down ..

I spend the evening enjoying scrapbook pages and realise that I have not made a mandala today and that feels quite cool !

I go to bed at 10pm but can not sleep, I lie awake still at 3am feeling more coldy and stuffed than ever.

 

It's My Throat

So again I don't sleep too well and when I wake, all of me aches and is sore to the touch .. my throat is more relaxed now but completely raw, I can't open my mouth and I can't bring myself to eat. I take the dog out, slowly but surely, we amble around the block, he seems to know that we need to go gently and he's ok with that. I go back to bed with honey and lemon as I feel the need to take care. I reach out and allow myself be touched by love, people reach in and the same happens. J calls and it helps a lot.

Tonight there is a Tai Chi Xmas Social at G's, I am completely gutted that I will miss it as the annual ceremony has come to mean a lot, however, I am told that I will be held in the space and at 6pm, I join with the intention. I sit with open palms in my lap and am instantly silent. A few thoughts come and I let them go, silent once more .. I am only able to do this for 10 minutes as T has tea ready .. in those 10 minutes I recieve all I need .. not only do I not feel alone .. I feel held and I have an awareness of Rising Dragon Tai Chi flowing through my veins .. as T calls, I place my hand on my heart once more to give thanks - I am truly blessed.

On The Day After I Panicked Big Time

More Avoidance On Project Day 46(b)

January 6th 2007

I'm not feeling so good, although the panic was there in the wings last night, I did feel much calmer after speaking to L and then J. Still, I didn't sleep too well and now I feel like I might have a cold, although currently, it's just my throat.

I get up quite late and it's pouring with rain, a reflection of what is currently happening in my heart. R's letter has arrived to mark even more poiniently the approaching end.

T has gone to the allotment shop for the grand opening. I take the dog out, intending only to go around the block, but it's not cold, so we venture further and I feel better when we return. I can't bring myself to eat breakfast still and so I sit in front of the doors with a cup of tea and I draw my first mandala of hearts, in twos ? Then a PANIC mandala, in the centre is a heart filled with calm, love and peace etc. I make a couple of others and I eat a cheese and hummus sandwich that I mince into a pulp before swallowing. My throat is very sore and dry and still tight. The panic is still there although currently not taking hold.

I spend a while updating my weblog and then ages writing finally to R about my form. I feel like I have avoided my project and my silence very successfully so far. It's almost 6pm and Tony has done Mushroom Tagliatelle for tea, I stop to indulge, it is soft and doesn't trouble my throat.

I come back to my room and decide on some more scrapbooking. I complete a few more pages and am aware that there is no way I'm going to finish it by the Deepening meet, I feel like I can take it with me whereever I am up to and that will be ok .. I do not want to rush it as that would not be true to my project intention and all I have learned.

I am alone and I let go into scrapbooking fully, I feel blessed as I look back through all the previous pages and am proud of what I have achieved.

I go to bed around 11pm, feeling pretty damn awful, the impending panic shows itself briefly acouple of times but does not overwhelm me like before.

Bad Following Good

Today another panic attack, almost 5 hours, I'm in control on and off, mostly, I am not .. this one is too much, I am over whelmed and I am terrified .. it's too close to the previous one ..

I have hardly slept .. I go to work .. I arrive and there is another panic attack .. I sit in a room with another for an hour .. I am calmer .. I go on with my work ..

.. I reach out three times .. I am met three times .. I am thankful and blessed and still terrified ..

What is it I am finding hard to swallow ?
What is it I am holding back ?
What is it that remains unsaid ?

Is this the final assault to convince me I cannot move on or do this alone ?

Codeword 'MANDY' - Project Day 46(a)

January 3rd 2007

Today was to be Project Day 46, however, I have been to Poulstone to prepare for my project presentation, the content I will not reveal here as I wish it to remain a surprise.

I arrive and am not confident this will work at all .. slowly but surely, the plan comes together and it becomes clear all will be well.

All is more than well, I am beaming within when I speak with R at the end.

It's The 2nd Already ..

.. and it's just 11 days until the beginning of the end .. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way .. I can't quite help it .. today a faint rainbow and a beautiful sky at dusk was enough .. and a realisation that my panic attack happened following many very stressful events ..

Beginning

'This is the moment of embarking
All auspicious signs are in place'

In the beginning, all things are hopeful. We prepare outselves to start anew. Though we may be intent on the magnificent journey ahead, all things are contained in this first moment: our optimism, our faith, our resolution, our innocence.

We must make a strong connection to our inner selves.Alone and naked, we negotiate all of life's travails. Therefore, we alone must make something of ourselves, transforming ourselves into the instruments for experiencing the deepest spiritual essence of life.

Deng Ming-Dao

Tai Chi In 2007

My first Tai Chi moment of the new year, it's before 8am and on the way to work, a seagull soars above me, the wind beneath his wings .. my reaction is to decide it can't be my first moment because it isn't enough, it's only the flight of a seagull, I start to look for something else bigger, better, which can be my real first moment of Tai Chi in 2007 !!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then another panic attack almost takes me over .. I reason that I will be ok .. over and over .. what I fear will happen isn't happening and will not happen and I will be ok ..

I go to J and rest in her holding for a while ..

And Then Lots Of Noise

I finish work, I am tired, two battles ensue, I don't want to go out, I feel it would not be wise to not go out, I go out, we play a game, it's quite good, I don't feel like I fit, I come home, I watch TV, I miss midnight consumed by TV, I am tired and I do sleep eventually, at 4am, T comes in, at 5.30am there is a commotion next door, a big commotion, I get up to let the dog out, but he goes back in his bed, it's almost 7am, I get up for work ..

.. Happy New Year ..

Continuation

Very apt, is the New Years Eve reading from my 365 Tao book (Deng Ming-Dao);

'Upon completion comes fulfillment
With fulfillment comes liberation
Liberation allows you to go on
Even death is not a true ending
Life is infinate continuation'

and further it says ;

'With each turn of the wheel you free yourself from the mire of ignorance. Turn the wheel of your life. Make complete revolutions. Celebrate every turning and persevere with joy.'

And did I not say this (almost) in my early reflection ?

Happy Noo Years

And so, here I find myself, sitting on the edge of 2007, another year passed, a very tumultuous year.

So many wonderful things have touched me as I have lived my Tai Chi through the Deepening. In just 19 days from now, the Deepening in it’s outer form will come to an end and indeed so will my project in it’s current form. At the beginning of the Deepening, I could not have even contemplated the end of the Deepening and now when I do, there is a huge sadness in my heart. However, because of the Deepening, there is also so much joy in my heart which was not there before. Although, I feel like the Deepening has been too short, I just start to feel huge changes beginning and now it has to end .. too soon (I remember laughing about this with A, saying, if it had only run for another 10 years ! 20 maybe !!) I acknowledge that I have the tools now and I can go onward living with them in my life as I have started to do already and no matter how long, the Deepening would not have been long enough right ?!

Is it a different me who sits here to reflect on 2006 than the me who sat at the end of 2005 looking forward to the approaching project and another growth year ? Of course .. every new moment .. a new me ..

In the last year, I have stood with fear enough to loosen it’s vice like grip. I have the awareness now that I am repeating old patterns over and over in my life because of fear and what might happen if …. I have come a long way in separating my energy from others and individuating and actually, nothing bad happened !

I am starting to have the feeling a lot recently that life is so precious .. rather than ‘what if I do’ .. every now and then, I think ‘what if I don’t’ .. and that is a huge change which is only just beginning.

Outside the window, it is raining and the world is grey as dusk falls, in the distance the huge wheel of light revolves in Castle Park as it has for many weeks now, turning and turning like the world, like my world.

I am finding it hard to reflect on my year, when I can think only of the end of the Deepening which looms large. So to the joy of the Deepening throughout this year, my wonderful friends who know me like no-one ever knew me before and possibly like no-one will ever know me again .. I feel like we have shared such a special journey, tears of sadness and tears of joy ..

This year has been very important for me in many ways, not least because I found out that I am creative and I can feel passion, enthusiasm and joy.

I can allow others to hold me (sometimes) when I cannot hold myself and to know that although often I am ‘reaching out with nothing to give’ that’s ok when others are more resourced than myself.

Hey, I almost forgot, I passed my motorbike test (come on !)

I made it through an almost fire in the Computer Room, many panic attacks and many more bad dreams.

I have laid my hand on my heart in thankfulness more times this year than in my whole life up to now. I have seen the seasons change through Winter – Spring – Summer – Autumn and finally to Winter once more. I have seen flowers (and a bean) flourish and wither. I have seen the beautiful sky moving through. I have spent time with a tiny star, a glorious sun and a cloud covered gossamer moon.

I am more content in my work then ever before (with this current employer) and I have more quiet and peace in my life than I ever imagined was possible. Not that I overly watched TV before, but this last year, I have felt the need less and less to distract myself in that way, taking more pleasure in what is outside the window, or inside my heart.

All these things have happened when actually, outwardly, things are much the same as they were one year ago and I celebrate that.

In this moment, I am thankful for another year of health and support from J, L, G and R and all of my true friends and of coming to know the greatest friend I ever could have – me. I look forward to another year of growth, beginners mind, Deepening further and further and further, following the week of January 13th – 19th when we are going to have just the best time ever.

Goodbye 2006 and thank you .. Bring on 2007

SH December 31st 2006

The Truth Stands Up By Itself

.. so today, I finally watch my form and it's ok ..

I light candles and I sit to ask again

What has changed ?
What happens in me as I watch ?
Who is it who sits this time ?
Who am I seeing compared with the first time ?


Last time - I had to stop twice during the filming and start again - this time I carried on even though the moves were 'wrong'

Last time I was in my head - this time I was in my head

I’m still rushing – and it is no where near as much, it’s fast and no where near as fast as last time. The time it takes to play the form is more this time than last time and this time I missed a whole chunk out.

I have a much shorter step, maybe not always natural but so much closer - a big difference and that makes me feel good.

I notice, the way I do some of the postures has changed and they are better - iron fan -kick with heel. I can not decide whether my right hand is more ‘embodied’ in single whip etc. I think it is, but am not really sure.

My arms are rounder and there is more fluidity - I see me flow into press and push and ebb back out.

There are still places where I don't take empty steps, but I still have body as one unit and still drive from my waist.

I'm still holding in my shoulders and I can’t really see that this is any less, it looks the same.

It looks sloppy to me .. I give up as I realise I am the wrong way round.

While I am watching, I get lost in thought, I want it to hurry up and be over so that I can do something less challenging instead ?

I'm playing the form with my mind .. I'm watching with my mind .. I straighten my spine and I try to watch with my heart .. I try to feel the form .. .. .. I cannot .. .. .. even though I feel so much more heart these days, I still cannot be here with heart, even after all this.

I wanted it to be different .. my initial reaction on the day and then for a long while after when I was angry and hadn't even watched it yet .. was that it isn't different .. it doesn't reflect my Deepening journey .. now many weeks later .. after being with this and softening to what has happened in me .. it is different (IT IS DIFFERENT) than the first time .. there are things to celebrate (THERE ARE THINGS TO CELEBRATE) and there are things to meet with compassion .. it is different .. I am different .. and .. of course it reflects my Deepening journey ..

.. which approaches it's end and fills me with fear all over again ..

I Paint And I Paint On Project Day 45

December 28th 2006

And so with just 3 days left to go, I get up to take the dog out and after a while, I remember it's project day .. here we go round again .. I don't want to be walking today (which is crazy as it is the most glorious day, the sun is shining for the first time in a while and it is very mild) and I take the short route. I get back and T is very obviously grumpy with me .. there is an altercation about the stupidest thing, another day, another way, he wouldn't be so unreasonable, today he is grumpy and so it's all a big deal. I feel really small and am aware that I also feel unworthy .. actually, standing up in myself right now, I am worthy (?).

I hang up the washing and I come to my room. I notice, I am feeling hard done by and angry and sad .. blah blah blah .. I'm bored of myself ..

I sit at my desk in front of the window (I haven't done so for ages and I've missed it). I open the window .. the glorious sun beams down , the traffic is quite quiet and there is a very pleasant breeze. I start to write my journal in rainbow colours and I am back. I'm right here still, on my project day and I'm back.

T is grumpy at me for simply being me and that does what it does to me - still ..

I kind of feel like I only got the paints out today to use them up because otherwise they will be hanging around at the end of all this !! and despite myself yet again, I let go into what I'm doing and boom .. boom .. boom .. some great mandalas ..

I sit at my window with my candles and I continue to create mandalas, when I started today, my mind was thinking, thinking too much and as usual now, as the day has gone on, the thoughts have stopped and I just am .. how could I possibly have not wanted it to be project day ??

My candles remain as the day fades away into dusk, there is a beautiful sky as the sun makes way for the (half) moon .. the window is open until it is cold .. the weather has truly been gorgeous today, not wintery at all .. and now, as I update my weblog, I listen to Kid Rock and read another meditation from my '365 Tao' book ;

'No matter how much we strain and how wide we wander, we all need some lodestone, some centre from which to operate. For some of us, this is a place, a home. For others, it is merely withdrawal into our own hearts.'

'One gradually peels back the layers and makes one's way back to the unsullied, pure inner person.'

(Deng Ming-Dao)

I start to read through my project journal from the beginning, thinking about my project presentation, I don't really need to do this, my journey is in my heart and I love that it is .. I never thought that could happen either ..

.. I read and I read and I read some more and suddenly, it's almost midnight ..

Ending

'A shadow edge is never on the edge
The time to contemplate the ending is before the ending'


There will be an ending and there will be a new beginning.
That is Tao.
We cannot do without limits and endings.
They bring definition to our endeavors.
If we are to use them to our advantage, we have to plan how to meet them.

(from 365 Tao Daily Meditations - Deng Ming-Dao)

It's Project Day Tomorrow ..

.. and I can't help feeling the end, so close now .. there are just three more project days left including tomorrow and suddenly, I don't want to do this anymore .. for the first time in the whole year since I started this amazing project journey ..

("Note to Self" this has been an amazing project journey and absolutely without question that is true)

.. I don't want it to be project day tomorrow .. I don't want it ever to be project day again ..

.. AND ..

.. I WILL NOT LET THE FEARFUL PART OF ME DESTROY WHAT I HAVE FOUND ..

.. someone tell me I can do this .. tell me I can make it through the end of the Deepening and the end of my project in it's current form because right now .. I can't ..

.. why does the best thing that ever happened to me have to end ?

It's Xmas Day

After a restless night worrying about whether I switched the halon over to auto or not and several bad dreams, I get up early, T asks did I fall out of bed .. the dog has already been out and so, I go for a walk on my own .. like I did last year ..

.. as soon as I step outside the back door (and this is not an exaggeration) I notice that the noise level is virtually nil, scary that it is so noticeable. I walk out onto the Causeway where every now and then there is the odd car and mainly it is empty .. it's so weird like this and so quiet and it only happens so briefly ..

I walk down to Fishponds Road, totally pre-occupied by this guy who is walking behind me, he has his hoodie up and I immediately have him down as an evil dooer and so I feel afraid .. he seemed (in hindsight) simply to be going the same way as me (!) .. there are a couple of other guys also walking on their own and I feel the fear rise up some more .. consequently, I don't really let go into my walk .. fuck .. why do I still do this to myself .. there is (generally) nothing at all to fear and I miss out because of fear (AGAIN) .. will I ever stop .. ?

I get to the bridge over the cycle track and I want to stop and just take a moment, since I really haven't at all so far .. and as I stop, some guy comes around the corner and it is back all over again .. on the one hand, I love and crave the quiet and on the other, I'm scared because there are so few folk around .. it makes me crazy .. the guy walks on past, he is at least 70 !

I take the moment on the bridge looking down at the cycle track which disappears into the distance (thinking that the path looks so very long, like it never stops - funny that) .. except I don't really take the moment at all because I'm beating myself for not giving myself the walk and not allowing myself to truly be with the quiet, on the only day of the year when it's like it ..





I make my way home feeling like it was all just a waste of time .. I walk in the back gate and I hear a bird chirping, I look around and there he is up in the tree, a tiny blue tit and he's singing his heart out .. maybe it wasn't a waste of time after all ?

I go on with my day ..

Be Mindful

Walk slowly
Don't rush
Each step brings you
to the best moment
of your life
the present moment

N Kirsten

Heart

.. these days, I feel more heart than I ever could have imagined was possible ..
.. and I celebrate that too ..

We Are Project Partners You Know

.. L is kind to my back and then I spend a very nice wee while with P .. and after, feeling much more like doing so .. I sit to engage with the evening .. it is misty and very still again .. I sit and sit and my mood does not fail .. I put a hand on my heart and give thanks for sharing and for love and I celebrate 'the beauty of MY life' .. in this moment and every moment .. and I reflect that this is what happens when I love and am loved ..

Calendar To Present

  

This And That

  

The Shortest Day 44

December 21st 2006

Feeling a bit disappointed today that the mist of yesterday is gone, the dog and I walk out to The Magic Numbers and Andy Abraham .. not in the moment at all .. still annoyed at Corbin's gannett ways.

I decide today will be the day that I will stand in front of my form and write R with what I see. I read his recent letter before I do this. He says so many important things that it is hard to hear all of them, let alone remember them. There is one in the letter which touches me again ..

"Self protection would like you to believe the story that you tell yourself, but remember, the truth stands up by itself, so our job is to let go"

.. and I realise that I am starting to do this ..

What has changed ?
What happens in me as I watch ?
Who is it now sitting here ?
Who am I seeing compared with the first time ?

And so, I am ready to watch and feeling ok about doing so, then the Riverford driver knocks on the door and I take in the veg, put it away and T comes home, I can't do this while he is around, so I let go of it for now.

I come upstairs to paint again. Today, BIG mandalas .. one inspired by J's card

'May all beings be peaceful'
'May all beings be happy'
'May all beings be free'

followed by some BIG coloured circle thing .. bleh ..

There is cauliflower cheese for lunch and then another hand/heart mandala with paints on mirrored card (it dries and is awesome), followed by a pink paint and blue glitter mandala (it dries and is sandpaper - pretty sandpaper !)

I decide to make a 2007 calendar, so I sit on the floor in my room and embark on what turns out to be a very fulfilling creation. It maybe a bit corny, but I like it nevertheless. Dusk falls outside and although I look up at the window and note that this is happening, I am fully in what I am doing and so choose not to engage with it today and that feels ok.

Eventually, around 5.15pm I give in to the increasing pain in my lower back and the pull of the evening's beauty and I come downstairs, just to sit and to be. I open the blinds, it is already dark and a little misty .. tonight, there is no wind at all and it is not raining .. everything is still .. it is grey and cloudy .. as I sit and I sit, I feel my mood starting to fail .. I disengage with the garden and the beauty of the night (the beauty of life ?) and am conscious of making this choice .. conscious of becoming caught in my shit .. and I don't get it all over again ? why do I do this over and over.

I celebrate that I've had a good project day so far in terms of creation and although I do feel maybe I have managed again to run away from my form (T has been absent again since lunch and I have had plenty of time in fact to do it and I haven't) I have chosen to remain with my calendar instead. Also I celebrate that initially, I did let in the night and it did touch me.

After tea, I clear up my room so that I can work from my desk instead of the floor and be kind to my aching back. I finish my calendar and am in bed by 9.30pm.

There has been no music during the day and I seem to have achieved a lot - even if the 'perfect' moments were only brief, they were there.

Three project days left and then 'That's All Folks' it's playing on my mind .. ..

It's Back

There is mist shrouding the world once more, a beautiful mist .. there is absolutely no wind at all and everything looks completely tranquil and still .. and it's very cold ..

It Just Touches Me So Completely

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night
You took your life, as lovers often do
But I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you

Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless head on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget
Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in the ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will ...

Lyrics By Don McLean

The Sun Was On My Face

.. before the Deepening, I doubt whether I would have noticed .. I had been into town to get my lunch and was on my way back to work .. the sky was blue .. it was mild .. there was beautiful music in my ears and I closed my eyes as I walked under the trees with the glorious sun on my face, I celebrated the moment .. another sacred moment ..

.. and then I was warmed through while sharing with L 'moving on .. and on' I was truly touched and honoured .. there was pizza (am I homeless ? or a princess ?) it was 10.20pm and there were Revels and finally .. the car wouldn't go .. eventually .. it did !

Mandalas Of The Day

I painted this one the other way and while walking around it as it was drying, it speaks to me so much more this way up. It shows me a tunnel heading in the direction of a hazy but not completely black future. There is light flooding beneath towards me.

The Music Of The Night On Day 43

December 15th 2006

Whilst brushing my teeth this morning, I had a feeling that I would really like to celebrate this project day (as after today, there are only 4 left). It is drab and grey, but not cold. The dog and I go out as usual, hardly in the moment. I laugh to myself at the end of Forest Road at the comic Xmas message in the window !














There is a man on a bike all dressed in blue tinsel (the bike not the man). There are many Xmas trees, lights and decorations which generally make me sad. I get home and am angry with the dog because he constantly scavanges and because of the amount of rubbish in the streets it is almost impossible to stop him eating things he shouldn't. I really do not want him to be as ill as he has just been again anytime soon.

T has gone out somewhere. I sit with a cup of tea feeling quite down - so much for celebrating my project day .. I feel like right here, I can choose dark or light and I feel like I want to choose the dark - why do I prefer it to choosing to live ? maybe I will never know the answer to that.

I come to my room and get out the paints which I haven't used in a while. I make a mandala of black and yellow, my choices - black (dark) yellow (light) .. then I drip red paint (blood ?) onto it and I tilt the page around so it all runs. Then I splatter paint a blue and green mandala and I smear the paints around in a spiral from the centre. I put the mandalas down and return downstairs to play 'loud' music .. I sing with Josh Groban passionately from deep within me. My voice resonates through my body like the chanting the other night and I realise that in spite of myseld, I have emerged into the light instead of falling further into the dark. I light a candle and put on the Offering Chant followed by Pachelbel's Canon In D and let go into my tears as I allow myself to be deeply touched.

I take a very indulgent shower, I alight and have been 20 minutes ! I mosey along to my massage and tell L I feel ok, 'quite chirpilly ok'. There is a new mix of Pine, Cedar and Orange as I ask her to work with my legs for the first time following my recent knee (hip/ankles ?) awareness at Tai Chi. My lower back is tight (as usual) and she finds part of my thigh muscle is also quite rigid. L says that metaphysically, holding in the hips can be associated with a reluctance to move forward in life .. this makes me feel really, really sad .. am I really moving on at all ? L is encouraging without wiping out what I say, it feels like she meets me in a place where most others will not and I am thankful for her in my life again. I wander home feeling very sad, I snuggle down into my fleece jacket, as it is much colder .. it is not quite dusk.

I get home and T is still not back. I re-light my candle and sit by the window to be with the dusk as it begins to shroud my world which can be beautiful every moment if I allow it to be. Dusk falls and turns to evening and I remain sitting quietly at the window, with my candle looking out at the darkening skies and the Buddliea dancing on the wind. I get lost for a while in regret that I am currently still not where I would like to be.

T returns and says (genuinely) he is sorry to interrupt and that he is going back out soon. We eat tea and he goes out again.

I sit on the floor again, this time with a spiral of tealights and I open the blinds to engage with the night. The sky is cloudy and light polluted, it is windy and the garden looks peaceful. A tiny hedgehog comes to snuffle round the patio and then waddles off down the garden.

I paint another mandala .. I can't really see too well and it turns out to be very dark and bleh .. I listen to much music as I sit and sit .. completely silent and right on the edge of that beautiful place. Fear rises up at the dark outside the window and I could close the blinds and buy into the fear, I don't want to close the blinds .. I sit to allow the fear and the blinds remain open .. the fear passes and the garden is not scary anymore.

Starry, Starry Night and Canon In D again, followed over and over by the Offering Chant which gives to me the most powerful love as always. I find the whole of my being rocked by the keyboard solo over and over again. I turn my face towards the candles .. it and my body are bathed in the golden light.

I feel very, very soft and very, very mellow and I have let go completely as I am held by the music .. I reflect, I am caught again and still lost .. am I choosing to not move my life on ? will I ever choose to change it ? any of it ? Even in this soft and sad place, I cognitively know that I have come far and yet right now in this moment, I feel no closer to 'really' moving on.

As I continue to listen to the piano solo and as I allow the compassion of the track to touch my body deeply, it feels like the secret to life is held within the notes. I can see the tenderness of the softly relaxed fingers on the ivory as gently, softly and compassionately, they bring the song alive and right now it lives in me. It holds my sadness and it does not judge, it does not think I am crazy or wrong and it does not wish for me to be anything other than what I am .. and it makes me feel amazing ..

It has started to rain, the sweet sound patters on the door and splish splashes in the bird bath on the patio. This moment, all of these moments (potentially every moment) is beautiful and I don't want to leave. The water droplets cascade down the glass altering my view. They are gleaming in the light from the floodlights in the lane, the bushes and trees are caught by the wind and shadows are cast all around.

I get myself a cup of tea and sit now without music - still the blinds are open and as I engage with the night, I still am not afraid. The silence is beautiful .. and I am still soft .. the candles gradually extinguish themselves until there are only three .. J returns my call and although it doesn't really change anything, it helps somehow .. I have been sitting .. truly with myself in the spirit of my entire project and The Deepening and I feel like this is the celebration I hoped for .. for hours and hours and now it's time for bed.

1-2-1

.. so, last week in such a bad place after Tai Chi, I felt the need to work with an almost desperate attention on the weight in my heels .. I was 'doing' it 'wrong' .. I hated myself and my Tai Chi all over again .. this week after my 'WOW' moments last night, I no longer felt that need and also now maybe a reluctance to 'go there' at all, in fear of being swallowed in the 'bad shit' again .. I was understood and we slowly and gently visited it paying attention to how my knees are today ..

.. turns out (surprise, surprise) the problem isn't in my knees .. my ankles are not soft .. they are holding .. and maybe .. I'm turning too far (soft limit ?) and I'm 'trying' to make the moves bigger than they need to be (do less ?) .. and so softer .. softer .. move slower .. soften my ankle .. soften my ankle .. soften my ankle .. soften my ankle .. soften my ankle ..

.. lying on the floor there is holding in my hips .. in my knees .. in my ankles .. have the intention to let go in my hip .. easier said than done .. gradually it happens ..

.. and in the Tai Chi class, I don't turn back so far .. I put a soft intention in my ankles and I don't 'do' so much .. it is so much better and the weight is not in my heels (bargain !) ..

.. we pay a visit to A .. it is great to see her .. I leave feeling a mixture of really happy and really sad ..

And Did You See That Sunset ?

WOW - Celeb-rating Instead Of Be-rating

.. there was a reading from the Tao Te Ching which didn't touch me .. followed by the experiment of the first in class chant .. ahhhhh from the tantien and oooooo from the heart .. I was moved and resonating .. open and different .. already different .. and still something inside me balked at prospect of more partner work before the form .. and this time it was ok, something was moving in me .. I felt joined with my partner (K) as I traced the dynamic energy in and out of her root while she moved .. then it was my turn and trying too hard, I didn't get it .. I felt the prickle of anger and I felt the slide toward the beginning of the beating .. G came over and explained it again and almost magically, I got it .. her hands were tracing my energy and I got it .. I was waving hands in clouds and I was Tai Chi !

I had been trying to 'understand' it with my (linear) mind (because that's what I do - that's who I am?). Now, I could feel this all going on and other stuff too and I felt inflated ! and amazing .. I wanted to tell the world how great it is to be alive and to be Tai Chi .. we played a form and although the weight was still in my heels now and again, it didn't matter today .. I didn't retain amazing all the way through the form, that didn't matter either .. I kept thinking, this is Tai Chi, this is what it's all about .. everytime I did that, I was lost and the feeling went away .. as I softened to allow again .. it returned ..

G said this is what's happening already and we are simply feeling into it .. to yield, to soften and to allow it to be .. what it is ..

WOW ! A sense of space and a sense of flow. I was filled up with it .. I'm so glad I went to Tai Chi and I'm so glad I continue around this spiral of life because sometimes it can be so rewarding !!!!

I noticed tonight how profoundly different the response when I relay how I feel .. how others can be/are willing to be with me in this .. they are willing to meet me .. in my happiness and my smile .. in contrast to the darker side of me that they do not/will not meet (of course this is my own perception of how it is and so is my truth .....)

I feel and I voice the fear that I WILL crash because I feel so good and that (while walking around the 'mandala of being') is ALWAYS what happens .. a huge high (often unexpected and sometimes a mystery) followed by the hugest low .. however, I am encouraged to rest in the moment where truly I feel amazing.

Bargello And Then Some ..

Many, Many Mandalas On Day 42

'In Life .. We Think We Have Forever .. And Then We Don't'

December 10th 2006

There are many mandalas today and some Bargello .. everything is quiet and I know I am still avoiding 'real quiet' as I feel my project reaching it's conclusion.

I listen to the CDs from the last Deepening meet and I hear again that 'In life .. from time to time, we think we have forever .. and then we don't .. and in that assumption, we miss the moment' - it feels like a punch in the stomach as it did when R said it in the circle and as it has each time I have played this CD. They are very powerful words for me and they feel like a big stick to beat myself with and I am aware that I must start to accept and yield to this or it will contribute to another downfall that I do not need or necessarily have to choose.

I decide to take a bath with the intention to let go and allow the real quiet to come and it doesn't fail me. At first my mind is busy with thoughts, many thoughts .. but the water is hot and it soothes my body, as the candles flicker, my body is bathed in their soft light .. the surface of the water is perfectly still. Tiny drops fall from my fingertips and ripples spin out across the rich reflection of the candles. Time stands still for a while .. I notice also that my hand is reflected and I have an image of two parts of me, the part (above the water) which keeps my life going day by day as the other part (a deeper part - beneath the water) falls apart constantly, buffeted by the movements inside, stirred by the Deepening and therapy.

Although I acknowledge that to change, undo and let go of old and unuseful patterns is my only hope of a future, sometimes I wish I could turn back ... as it is so very hard ... I have come to far to turn back ...

The Xmas Gathering

It is the most glorious day .. there is mist hanging in the valley ..

'It can take some people a whole lifetime, to learn that they have the right to exist'
Dustin Hoffman

Recieving hands and offering hands in a circle, I am moved to be here once again

In the barn .. R refers to lifting the head up off the vertabra, to release tension caused by

computers or driving
struggling and striving

This touches me ..

.. for the first time in a long, long time, I play a form and I do not critisise .. I notice how it eases my mind .. (right now in this moment of reflection, I celebrate that and forgive the rest)

It's nice to see R & J again and in fact many others, some I know, some I will come to know

A relaxed holding space with understanding and compassion

Clear skies and so many stars

R talks about the end of an era, I feel sad and yet it will be and soon ..

It's tough for me not to expect each Poulstone experience to be as good as the last ..

On my return, I have the intention to be quiet and still for a while, to take in my day .. I turn away from this however and loose myself in unecessary 'stuff', I do not welcome this movement in me.

And Further ..

.. I spend a night in Bath with J & P, there is good food and conversation, I don't really want to leave .. and on the way back, there is a most beautiful nearly full moon and the lights of Bristol flood the skyline ..

.. again I feel deep anger in class at Tai Chi .. my knees are hurting .. I can't 'do' it 'right' .. the weight is in my heels .. I've been doing Tai Chi for a long time now and the weight is in my heels .. again I can't see out .. I am sad because no-one understands, they just look at me like I'm crazy .. I feel crazy ..

.. I try to unravel all this at therapy and I just don't get it .. there is the suggestion that I want to be perfect, that isn't possible, I will never achieve that and I get mad that I don't .. when the anger comes again, I need to step out of it .. I will try to do this ..

.. I have the intention to allow the anger and hate, embrace it and try to come back to myself ..

.. I will attempt to 'meet it, feel it, allow it, yield to it, it is just a feeling passing through. It will pass on in time. It is not me in my essence' and 'feel the space around me - that is not angry, or filled with hate' ..

.. why is it so much easier to hate myself than to have compassion for my struggle ? .. I DO NOT GET IT ..

The Man From Poulstone ..

.. he say .. 'Your paragraph is perfect - so that is a yes!' .. I knew he would ..

Wild Horses

I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out, hmmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
There's greener pastures
I'm thinking about, hmmm
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare-back, care-free
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face my fear, but not feel scared
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses


Lyrics By Natasha Beddingfield

Moseying Home !

What Am I Doing On Day 41 ?

I take the dog out after breakfast, it's so mild .. I drift around in the moment briefly only a couple of times when I notice a branch of yellow flowers sticking out of a ruby red hedge of berries .. and every now and then when I actually remember it's project day .. mostly though just drifting ..

I take a shower but do not indulge .. I mosey along to my massage and feeling ok this week, I still don't want to stand in front of my emotion and so, I ask for a purely physical treatment again .. I let go and I am thankful (always) for this gift .. I leave and forget my watch and my chain, panic arises .. I reason that there is no need .. I relax and it is gone ..

















I have lunch, it is 3.15 and no creation so far, something in me is struggling with that .. I put on my new Lama Gyurme CD and have the intention to be quiet for a while and join with my project. I create a mandala of moseying home ! and another with wet paper and watercolour pencils (this one is rubbish), then another which reminds me of the earth. I make another by covering a circle of card and printing out the words LOVE and PEACE in different fonts and assembling into a mandala !











There is squash soup for tea and then another LOVE mandala inspired again from a magazine.




















I have been listening mostly to Lama Gyurme (with a bits of The BGTs, Avril Lavigne and Anastasia) .. once more it has been very quiet and uninterrupted .. however, today feels a little odd .. I go to bed to reflect ..

.. I have not allowed that perfect space AGAIN today and I don't know why .. as my Deepening statement echoes through my mind, I feel fraudulent all over again .. but that's rubbish and I know it .. I am not a fraud and the Deepening (especially my project) HAS been the greatest gift, I HAVE allowed it and I AM (I always was and always will be) amazing ..

Hustle And Bustle

.. the wind is in my hair on the bridge .. it is blowing a gale .. I notice the circular lamps all in a row and the wind blowing the surface of the water .. there is a nice light .. it can be a nice night .. I return to work ..

But I Don't Believe In Angels ?

.. on the way to Tai Chi, I am almost knocked off my bike by an asshole who is pulling into the road I am pulling out of, he's on the wrong side of the road, pulling into the wrong side of the road with no lights on .. we are almost head to head, we both hit the anchors, I skid and am shaken but stop short of hitting him .. just ..

.. at Tai Chi I share this and they do not understand .. I don't realise how shaken I am .. G offers me some rescue remedy as I realise how much calmer I already am following Tai Chi ..

.. I am half way home and my bike dies on the roundabout .. I am calm, there is no panic, no distress .. I stand by my bike considering my options which seem few .. a fellow biker sees me and doubles back around the block to offer his assistance and support (but I thought the world was full of bastards ?) he is very sweet and my bike is going again .. probably a faulty earth or damp in the ignition .. he'll follow me home in case it happens again .. there is no need .. I am very touched that he stopped, I tell him so ..

.. at home after no further breakdown, I sit and feel good that I have been calm throughout and I remember the rescue remedy .. .. and hey, I just did Tai Chi !

I Found The Warrior

There is more love for 'me' at Poulstone this weekend than I could ever have imagined .. firstly, two people, both genuinely pleased to see me and then a heart so open with real understanding and support which touches me completely. 'Sharon, you are not a fraud'.

I sit in the teaching circle and I feel no divide between teacher and student, we are one, we are Rising Dragon Tai Chi and I feel honoured and so very lucky all over again.

We play Tai Chi, we hang out. I am squashed and then I am told, the moment has passed and I notice that I am light again and fully back. I realise in that moment, I have found the warrior.

More Tai Chi and a sequential ritual which brings absolute quiet.

We finish with a meal and then we say goodbye and that's ok.

I get home and I sit in the silence with myself and my cup of tea and I feel so healed .. healed by love. I retire to bed and lie for just a moment to give thanks and then a peaceful (with no bad dreams) sleep washes over me and I do not wake until the morning.

My Deepening Statement Mandala

From Rags To Riches ? On Day 40

November 24th 2006

I wake up early and drift in and out of sleep for a while. I have this weird thought about Cinderella and about her rags to riches story and about how my journey is about that too - rags (a dark life filled with shit) to riches (a lighter life filled with love and acceptance) and how she remained the same person throughout her journey and so (fundamentally) do I .. as underneath 'I' am there ALL the time and 'I' am perfect ALL the time. The golden/glass slipper awaits me every morning in the dawning of a new day, a new moment and I can choose rags or riches every day .. I have the awareness that currently, I am choosing rags again.

I take the dog out and am hardly there in the moment at all.

I sit at the window with the garden and I draw a cinderella mandala




















followed by an anger mandala which is an expression of how I feel about Tai Chi and my form





















and then a green (the colour of heart ?) circle filled with black not touching the sides ?













I decide to make a mandala for my Deepening Statement to give to R tomorrow. This comes from my heart as I engage again with the power of the feelings the words convey.


I come to my room after having some lunch because T gets up. I decide this afternoon I will continue with scrapbooking my journey. The afternoon is very quiet, but I am busy, busy and although there are not really thoughts, it is not the real heart quiet I have come to know. I guess I could celebrate that I know and can feel the difference between the two ?

As it is Dad's birthday, I make my way there for tea and I feel able to allow this, to be part of my project day. Even when he says he didn't want the present I got him, he wanted something else ! I feel ok. I stay a while and come home around 7pm. I return to my room for some more scrapping. The rest of the evening is quiet also and my space has not been disturbed at all today, neither from the outside or the inside.

I come to bed with the intention to engage with 'real' quiet .. this doesn't happen as, thoughts begin about Poulstone tomorrow, thoughts that I am a fraud, going to a Tai Chi retreat day when currently, I really do not like Tai Chi and I do not want to play my form, knowing I will have to stand in front of all of these things tomorrow.

I lie awake for hours unable to quieten these thoughts .. thrown off centre until I finally fall to sleep.

Another Bad Week .. And

.. P rings and tries to understand my struggle with the filming of my form and now with my life and it's shit all over again .. he does not dismiss what I feel .. I know he is trying to help .. it does not ..

.. I venture out to lunch around 4pm, it is hammering down with rain .. I wander around with no purpose, my feet are soaked and squelchy .. I think how nice all the lights look, the world in a sodium hue .. street lights .. office lights .. lights on the surface of the water .. it makes me feel Xmasy (even though I normally do not even entertain Xmas) .. that makes me feel sad .. I am aware of people all around rushing here, rushing there .. and I stop in the pouring rain by the bridge, after walking down the path strewn with golden and red leaves under the trees and I take in the power of the rain drops hitting the river, the sky is not quite dark and the storm clouds are truly awesome .. I stand for quite a while and the rain does not matter .. I reflect that another time, I would consider this moment beautiful and this time it doesn't touch me in the same way ? .. I return to work ..

.. I miss Tai Chi because of work .. I feel surprised at how relieved I am that I don't have to stand in front of it this week ..

.. then (wow) the Be Good Tanyas at the Colston Hall .. even better than I could've imagined .. I experience a fair bit of stress and it is completely worth it .. I was sad it was over and to boot we got really, really wet and that was ok ..

.. P came all the way over to see me (x) .. apparently there was the most impressive double rainbow over Bristol and I missed it .. our time together is nice and I feel safe enough to ask P to watch my form with me .. we watch and P sees goodness .. I still see none and I get mad all over again .. then I put on the video from 18 months ago and although we do not watch this with the same attention, I do see a difference and briefly I do feel better and now I feel like I can watch it again on my own ..

Love And Happiness

Here's a wishing well
Here's a penny for
Any thought it is
That makes you smile
Every diamond dream
Everything that brings
Love and happiness
To your life
Here's a rabbit's foot
Take it when you go
So you'll always know
You're safe from harm
Wear your ruby shoes
When you're far away
So you'll always stay
Home in your heart
You will always have a lucky star
That shines because of what you are
Even in the deepest dark
Because your aim is true
And if I could only have one wish
Darling, then it would be this
Love and happiness for you
Here's a spinning wheel
Use it once you've learned
There's a way to turn
The straw to gold
Here's a rosary
Count on every bead
With a prayer to keep
The hope you hold
You will always have a lucky star
That shines because of what you are
Even in the deepest dark
Because your aim is true
And if I could only have one wish
Darling, then it would be this
Love and happiness for you
And if I could only have one wish
Darling, then it would be this
Love and happiness for you

Lyrics by Mark Knopfler

Once Again ..

.. I am offered such heart when I am able to find none for myself ..

"This is the deep practice of Tai Chi to stand with such feelings and not be caught"

.. I cry .. aware of deep sadness and at the same time deeply joyful, that I made it this far into a circle of people who not only can, but are willing to hold me while I cannot hold myself, full in the knowledge that one day I will be able too ..

.. I am more thankful for this than I can express ..

There Is A Weird Kind Of Light

.. it is autumnal, it is yellow, it is orange, the world around me is vibrant with it .. I feel it touch me like before .. and there is a rainbow, at first very faint, soon the rainbow is vibrant too ..

Mein Liebling Meine Liebe

.. I know I need to go very slowly and gently and I feel ready now to do so (can I still be a warrior after all ?) ..

.. I light my rose candle and begin to play Manifestation again .. I have been holding the DVD of my form next to the Manifestation CD case for ages (is that stupid ?) .. I put the DVD in the drive .. I straighten my warriors spine .. I breathe and relax and I hit the button and I stand fully in the moment and in front of my form ..

.. at first it feels ok .. then it approaches the bit where I go to pieces .. I am aware of tension and I feel like I can't stand to watch .. I am also aware that the music is playing, holding me in it's arms .. I am holding the scented rose candle .. I'm ok .. I let go and I just watch ..

I see holding in my shoulders, I see me going way too fast, rushing to my destination, wishing for it all to be over, I see doubt and fear, I see a complete lack of compassion for my struggle and no heart at all, I see me feeling I have learned nothing at all ('Fear will tell you nothing has changed')

.. I continue to stand before it and I let the DVD roll .. I watch the second form, I do not go 'wrong' this time but for the same reasons it is no better .. I watch the recording of all three of us playing together and I am touched .. I feel privileged all over again to be sharing my journey with these two beautiful people .. I am softer ..

Manifestation finishes and the rain beats down on the window pane.

Tigers

The largest of the tigers still before me is that dark place of self hatred and punishment which I have chipped away at and yet still remains there beneath to catch me and swallow me whole in my lowest moments. I acknowledge it as a huge part of who I have been all my life until now and that it was always going to take much longer than the period of the Deepening to surrender to it’s hold and just let it be what it is. I will continue with my intention to soften and accept it and maybe one day be free of it too.

Am I A Warrior ?

John Virkmann & Lau Laursen : Manifestation

1. Homage
2. Radius Satori
3. Manifestation
4. Hymn

"Manifestation is like a dimensional journey into the present, going deep within as well as expanding outward"

My Deepening Statement

My Deepening has allowed

me to reach beyond my mind,

to let go into the silent centre of my heart and

to be with my noble and worthy self. I have learned

to rest just there, where I am amazing, everything is beautiful

and perfect and life is worth living. A place where I feel in love with

love. I have had the time of my life and it has been the greatest

and most generous gift, I ever could have bestowed upon

myself. It has enabled me to see and to touch a part

of myself, which always has been

and always will be

.. free ..

Sweet, Sweet Music On Day 39

November 17th 2006

I woke up and the sun was on the blinds, the sky was a perfect blue. It was quiet inside and another bad day .. all the flowers I saw today were dying, something inside of me is dying ..

I light my rose candle and sit with the rain on the window, I light lots of candles in a circle on the table and I breathe their light into my heart where it is dark as night.















I make my first mandala

'As the beauty of each sunset marks the passage of time, every sunrise gives us hope and promise for all that is yet to come - Floria'




















Followed by another which charts my Deepening journey from the beginning to the instability of today




















Then, there is an email which tells me 'Find the warrior, find the root. Do you really want to move on ? Where is the warrior, find her, she is who you need right NOW' at first, I do not let this touch me .. I look for a while and I can't find her or her root .. then I am taken by fear and doubt and I get to thinking maybe she is not and never was a warrior ? I get angry and sad all over again. I make a 'WARRIOR ?' mandala, I feel lost and empty.

I read today's www.dailymotivator.com - 'Empty yourself of every disappointment, every desire. Gently let it all go. Underneath there is freedom and there is power - Ralph Marston'. It makes no difference, I do not let this touch me either. I ask the I Ching 'Am I A Warrior ?' it answers me 'The situation is evolving slowly and Yang is gaining ground'.

I feel the same.

I put my Manifestation CD on which calls to the deepest part of my heart, the very centre of myself and gradually everything changes .. I am sitting and am aware of the emptiness inside me and a feeling of huge sadness at the thought that maybe I am not in fact the warrior I thought I was, or that I have been trying to be. Maybe the fight is just too much, maybe I have reached the end of the road.

In this place where I sit in the darkness, the rain on the window, the flickering cande flame, the CD is playing. I start to read in R's letter from the recent meeting, the part about the Deepening statement, as it still has not arisen and I feel the need to be with that. Through my headphones is flowing this oh so sweet sound and gradually it touches me in spite of myself and I put the letter down.

I feel myself becoming softer .. and it crosses my mind that what is happening to me is sabotage, as the fearful parts of me try to undermine my Deepening journey as it draws to a close ('Fear will tell you nothing will have changed').

I sit with the CD, a cup of tea and I light many candles again. I sit and I sit and the sweet sound envelopes me and makes me feel safe. It feels like it's time to stand in front of my Deepening truly and ask myself 'What is my statement of pass' ..

I Can't Do This

Everything is turning to shit .. I'm afraid all over again .. I've lost so much ground .. right now I want everything to stop ..